Joker Ben

What if you were asked to draw something that would attract fans of both Batman and Lost? This video answers that tough question.

I did it in about 48 minutes in Illustrator.

My wanton crush on the lady I live with

It's been a year since I last blogged fervently of my love for my sweet Mandoo. Since today is the anniversary of her birth, I thought I'd remind you what a sweet and special lady she is.

First off: a description of her, since many of you still have no idea what she looks like. This is probably because actual photographic evidence of her existence is rare. She's a bit self-conscious, and this coupled with a distorted self-image make her hate photographs of herself. I did manage to find a picture of her enjoying some vacation time at Disneyland.

She has thick, luxurious hair. She has thick, luxurious dimples. Her teeth are similar to a military cemetery. She's got the kind of timeless beauty that makes you think, "What catalog have I seen her on the cover of? Why did she marry that carny?" Just look at that picture. There's something about this picture that makes you feel all cheap and sexy while loving every minute of it, like you're eating McDonalds late at night.

For many, many years, she's been my Snuggie, my mentor, and my Live Studio Audience. And she's tolerated me with less and less numbness with each day that passes. Like a reverse Stockholm Syndrome, our relationship has progressed from the love and friendship to the point where she feels like a captive, doomed to endure the smells and jokes of a man doggedly determined to not mature. She has shown admirable restraint and has hardly used any kind of violence in my correction, although one incident springs to mind where my own actions resulted in my crotch having an extreme allergic reaction to her fist. She now only uses her best weapon—the English language—to keep me in line.

My coworkers often ask me why I let my wife make fun of me. "Don't worry, I have a plan." I tell her. "It hinges on the assumption that once she realizes I have no way of defending myself from her abuse she'll just pity me like everyone else. Then the pity turns into love." The plan is slowly coming to fruition.

Mandoo is one of the last true heroes to grace our planet, and her blog demonstrates her convictions like no other media can. Her courage, intelligence, and ingenuity knows no bounds. Her devotion to her family (especially Oliver) is well-documented. She has dedicated her life to raising me and the 4 kids and destroying my ways of terror so innocent civilians like you might rest easy at night knowing all is well. Happy birthday and God bless you Mandoo, wherever you may be (probably hiding from the fridge repairman).

Lost Video

What if Hurley from Lost got so hungry he ate everyone and everything on the island? He'd be lonely, that's what. Here's an illustration of that.

Speaking of which, the Season Premiere is on my birthday in February. We should have a party or something.

Best Oliver Quotes of 2009

Mandi, after seeing Oliver pull his swim diaper down a little and start playing with his weener: "Do you need a new diapy?"
Oliver: "Yeah, I'm just playing with my butt,"
Mandi goes in the living room and he follows, making his ween go around and around in a circle. "My butt is just going around. It's just crazy!"
Then he stretches it out and says, "My butt is just LONG!!"


Oliver: "I wonder if I could kill Grandma."
Mandi: "WHAT?? Why would you say that?"
Oliver: "I'm just kidding..........but I just wondered about getting a new one."

"I don't like to kill capes, because they're awesome."

Coming into the bathroom when someone is pooing: "How's the poo goin', Joe?"

"You smell like pumpkin, and you're warm, and I love you."

Oliver and Mandi (Having an intense argument over whether Link is a girl or a boy): "She's a girl!"
Mandi: "Let's see what the computer says."
Oliver: "The computer just don't talk!"
Mandi (showing him the Link Wikipedia page that said he was a boy): "There. See?"
Oliver (exasperated): "She's just a girl! Let him be a girl! Burp is telling me it's a girl."
Mandi: "Who? Bert?"
Oliver: "NO! BURP! IN MY MOUTH! Burp is just my best friend, and he is saying that Link is a girl!"

Oliver, standing up watching Tom and Jerry while eating some cereal. He has his weener out of his underwear and he's banging it with the back of his spoon.
Mandi: "Don't bang your bum with the spoon!"
Oliver, looking up with a smile: "That'd be jigglay!"
Then he goes back to scooping his cereal up with his spoon.

Oliver, at a hotel hot tub with me, listening intently to a mother and daughter discussing body hair issues: "Dad, I just have a hairy tummy."

Thanksgiving of Danger

Last year, we had the incident of some excessive drinking, my overmedication, and a big fight which led to my brother walking out with his kid before we even sat down to eat.

He wasn't there this year, and all alcohol and drugs were banned, so it was assumed that it would go somewhat more smoothly.

After eating a nice Thanksgiving feast at Mandi's parents in Sandy (her dad's name is Randy and the yams? Candied.) we went to my sister's house in Orem. She has been really worried about this for some reason, and has had the table set and decorations ready for about 3 weeks. She really went all out with the decor and preparations.

After I said the prayer we dug in. Mandi had brought this big green glass dish with stuffing and she had warmed it up in the oven. Dorothy saw this and she put it on top of the stove on a hot burner to keep warm. You're not supposed to keep glass things on the stovetop burners. Did you know that? I did, but Dorothy apparently didn't. Some dude went into the kitchen. We hear this huge explosion and a calm but fervent "Ouch." He had tried to move the glass dish off the burner. As soon as he touched it it exploded, sending hot stuffing into his face and green glass shards all over the kitchen. There were seriously glass shards embedded into the cabinetry on the opposite side of the kitchen.


I don't get how he escaped serious injury. A Thanksgiving miracle!








I ate a lot. And drank a lot of juice, to my dismay, because once we finished the pitcher, we found a live wasp hanging out at the bottom. This was also Dort's fault, since she had put the pitcher outside on the porch to keep cool.


Afterwards we played speed scrabble and some Xbox. My mom was putting away some antique dishes that belonged to her mom. She went to sit down in a chair, and fell over backwards, still
holding the plates. It was agreed by everyone there that this humorous crash (that slightly damaged her wrist) was a perfect ending to the evening. I think she might have been breaking the no-alcohol rule. The End.