Review of Harry Potter-The Gobbler of Feces

It isn't too hard to make a Harry Potter movie now. It looks like all a director has to do is go on the same sets they've used in the past 3 or 4 movies, set up the cameras and have the actors say their lines. Then go into the computer and add dragons and floating candles. They've got those on their hard drive from the other movies, though, so it should take about 3 hours to make the entire movie.

Then the audience will come, since JK Rowling has ensured that this story will never end, and will not give them resolution to ANY plotline. Are Hermione and Harry going to make love? Is Harry going to conquer Lord Valdimore? Will Harry be involved in another tournament-type-deal where he kicks everyone's ass unexpectedly and has no idea what he did to kick the asses?

Rowling has built a solid formula with her books that worked well enough for the first movie, but has grown really tiresome with the rest of them. Rip off every interesting idea from every fantasy fiction you've read, mix it together, and leave the conclusion for the next book. The fans can be appeased with the numerous plotholes by adding the concept of Magic That Cannot Be Explained. And said magic can be brought on with a wand and saying some latin-sounding phrase. For example, if you want to hit your opponent in the crotch with a sack of doorknobs, you point the stick and say "testiculus doorknobium!" and it will happen.

But for those of us that are NOT fans of the book, it needs to be explained WHY Harry is so talented. WHY he needs to go to an academy where evidently he's in great peril everytime he goes, and he clearly outshines every single student and professor. WHY he doesnt insert his wand into Ron's neck and draw it quickly down into his pubic bone and let every organ fall out into a steaming pile on the floor. Side note: seriously, what's the deal with Ron? Is there friendship based on the fact that Ron lets Harry crash at his house? Is there any other reason in the books or movie that he isnt killed by every person that comes in contact with him?

I'll give an example of one scene, where the newly resurrected English Patient is threatening to finally kill Harry. They have a wand-pointing-magic battle. They stand there with competing rays of Magic struggling against each other...and then Harry talks to some ghosts and runs away and touches a magic trophy teleporter and gets away.

These two do not return to battle. We dont even see English Patient saying, "well, I'll do this next time" or "I'll get him". We're just left with two opponents that may or may not do battle again in the future. It would be like having a King Kong movie where the T-Rex and Kong hold each other's necks for a while, then run away into the jungle, and Kong talks to his trainer, Burgess Meredith, and he says, "you put up a good fight, kid, let's go eat some bananas" and they never fight again. This is not how a movie works! Will somebody please kick somebody's ass?!?!

The film is three hours, and every reviewer will tell you that it is the "darkest". Yes, it's dark, but for no reason. Spoiler: some dumbass kid that we don't care about and has three lines gets killed. It's as if Rowling is desperately trying to get out of a rut, but goes in the wrong direction, replacing imagination with death and gloom. She can't decide who her audience is anymore, so the result is a movie that is too scary for kids, and too retarded for adults. The wise wizard principal-dude says to Harry "the time will soon come to decide between what is easy, and what is the right thing to do". The easy thing for every fan of the books to do is deciding to watch this movie. That doesnt make it right.

My Plans for World Domination

Since noone reads this blog but trusted friends and lovers, I can finally disclose the scheme I have been developing to make the world a better place. With all the required elements in place, I am ready to begin.

Twenty-seven years from now, the world will be a place so different from the current norm that the very thought of what is now our present existence will make you physically ill. Where there is now toil and misery, there will be new luxuries and technologies, new trends and tastes, and a completely new world power - PaulBrowning.

Maybe that's not correct to say it in that way. Not A world power. What I meant by that was that I would be THE world power. I will stand uncontested and unquestioned as the head of the Globular Commonwealth of Humans, and whatever I deem law is law - whatever I deem illegal or punishable is punished and corrected. Of course, such utter domination does not come easily. I have a complex plan, beginning with the graduation of Oliver, my son, from high school, that will faultlessly lead me to supreme world power.

You see, I've already begun preparing for my life of conquest and rule. Of course I've been spending a lot of time ordering people around in my household so I'll be ready when I get to the top, but I've also been preparing for my rise to power. For eleven years now, I've been working long hours at countless schmoe jobs, and stashing every spare penny I can sneak from the wife in the bank. I have learned of people's foibles and wishes from scrubbing their undersides at a facility for the mentally handicapped. I have taken their orders and money in the dead of night at Sconecutter. I have monitored their water resources and taught their children. I know the human heart and mind inside and out.

Once my youngest son enters college, I will have my name legally changed to Mike Ball, which also happens to be the name of a well established SCUBA diver and marine expeditionist. My next move will be to contact every large corporation and billionaire in America under my new diver persona, and pitch to them an expedition which I will head to find a sunken ship the was sunken by a storm =while transporting billions in gold ingots. "This expedition will require substantial funding," I will explain and I have not the means to fund it. After promising more than a full return to every ont of the get-rich-quick schemer who hands over a check, I will buy a compound in Somalia and purchase a large amount of arms and hire as many local militia groups as possible from the surrounding countries.

Part II of the plan will follow in 2 days. Make your plans accordingly....

Review of Transporter 2

"Senseless, silly movie" was the thought I had after Thursday night's viewing wth Adam. The action was all I had hoped for, with some interesting character development of Jason Statham's Frank Martin. But nothing of value for my everyday life.

Or so I thought.

The next morning, a red glimmer in the puddles made me notice the reflection of a small black box with a flashing red timer firmly attached to the undercarriage of my 96 Corolla. Having neither a crowbar nor the time to figure it out and disable it, I zoomed away, looking for just the right setup. I thought I might try the same trick I had seen the previous night, which was risky, but the benefits would greatly outweigh the possible consequences.

Locating a ramp, I sped up and launched the left side of my car up the ramp, causing the car to simultaneously jump and begin a slow spin. A convenient crane with a hook was there to pull the bomb from the car just as I passed under it. The removal caused the bomb to detonate, but by that time, my car had twisted around again, and I was driving away, laughing into my rearview mirror.

Once at work, I walked into the back door, hoping to use the stairs. A burly man greeted me with a gun in my face. Looking around, I saw the situation was hopeless. 6 other armed men were ready to blow me away. "What would Jason do?" I thought.

"Slap" went my hand against the closest man's wrist. "Shatter" went the glass covering the firehose. "Clang" into the jawbones and testicles went the firehose end, whirling around and turning bones to jelly.

Trailing profanities, two different guys went running up the stairs, but I lassoed them with the firehose end. I also remembered to twist the hose around the body of each guy I beat up. One guy I even pulled up to the rafters. All six were now wrapped up and immobile. My hose proved to fast for their semiautomatics.

Then I turned it on.

So, you can see that if I had not seen this wonderful film, I woulda been one blowed up and bulleted sumbitch.

Ode to Junko

With love and affection
You showed me the connection
between Oranges and Graphic Design.

With a crash your marriage broke
Maybe because you let me stroke
the silky black hair on the top of your fingers.

O Junko, I bady mangled your name
when to Unicity I first came.
And now I consider you a true and valued friend.

Sugar Beet is Down.

Looks like somebody didnt pay their bills, cause the site has been down for a while now. You can still find the tasty goodness of the Beet in Google's archives here:http://www.thesugarbeet.com/issue24/index.asp and then to see the past issues, just click on the Archives part in the top right. And then to go back you click back. And then to print, you go File>Print. I try to be helpful where I can.

The last issue #31 was printed this week, and it's sad to be done. Now the work on the book starts, and luckily we have a little funds to get it published.