Friday, September 29, 2017

Packet of Urine

This article was a fun read. I think all articles should start with "Armed with a packet of his own urine..."

There's not really a happy place to go from there.

Armed with a packet of his own urine, the man gave the child a balloon.

Armed with a packet of his own urine, the boy entered the cathedral.

Armed with a packet of his own urine, John knew that this test drive of a Porsche 911 would end differently.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Real Finishes to Real Races

In order to win a trophy for Best Race Finish Photography, you should develop a few important skills:1) Hiring good models2) Understanding the human body and how it looks in motion:

3) Taking good, reality-based pictures. 

Once you have these skills mastered, only your dreams can slow you down.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017


When life gets you down, think of this person.

He applied for a job where I work. The position is for Creative Writer, and he felt he was qualified, although he calls himself a Composer.

I kind of admire him and his attitude. He knows what the job was, and he did it. He knew he had to not swear, and not fall asleep, and he knows the consequences.

He's diverse in his skills, too. he can fill a hole with rocks, or with potatoes.

What I'm trying to say is, he is all of us, but he mostly is you.

Friday, May 01, 2015

Your Horoscope

People take notice of what you do today. Some of them will even get teary-eyed when you unveil the bellybutton lint you've allowed to accumulate and ferment into a very fine cheese. 

A few extra things need to be done around the house today, Taurus. A few more letters need to be written, a few more cleaning chores should be done, and you might still want to dress the place up a little. And the smell must be addressed.

Children may be a part of your day today. And a walrus tusk harvest is an important and beautiful thing that every child needs to see.

Your mind is quicker than usual, so you can probably grasp some rather complex ideas. Also, the cocoon you've been waiting for 2 months to hatch is, in fact, a dog turd.

Don't get cocky. Real ninjas move in silence, like smoke, or a nice lasagna. 

What begins with a sneeze will end up with your tattoo artist "accidentally" dragging his tattoo gun across your back and creating a beautiful panorama of Mario characters and scenes. Maybe bring along a witness. 

This will be a difficult battle of self-control. You will take the most perfect dump ever; a long symmetrical uniform log. Fight the urge to pinch off! In the end you will gaze at the upright monument; your safety wipe coming back snow-white. Glorious. Then the seizures begin.

A message from a friend could make your day, Libra. The good news may involve travel, money, or a love relationship. It could be "you have ulcerative colitis"

Talk of traveling to distant and exotic places could come up at a gathering of family and friends, At this point you'll discover that Chinese women's breath smell of dry hair and boiled shrimp.

A busy and stimulating day is definitely ahead. Your boss will take all your dental benefits hostage until you answer his riddles three.

Get your camera charged and ready. There's a reason you've named your colostomy bag "SeƱor Stretchy"

"It's better with bath fitters" is all the horoscope you need to know.

Asher Has Come Down From On High

This badass well-coifed youngster is Mandoo. Look at that huge manlike 'do.

This is my kid, Asher, that was born on Friday. He has a lot of hair, but all kids look bald next to Mandoo.

Look at him.

He makes funny faces. He sleeps a lot and he smells good. Even though he's tiny, you can tell just by looking into his eyes that he is a mighty warrior.

He likes to lay in the sun, like a cat. He spends 12 hours a day eating, like a panda. He can breathe out of his butt, like a turtle.

Welcome to a whole new World of Asher. He accepts your obeisance.