Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Sanitary Solution

I found this disturbing website and immediately thought it was an SNL spoof. Apparently, it's not. So I believe this will be the first video re-creation that I will attempt. Mandi, get the wigs. But, who shall play that sophisticated gentleman who has found that being a big man has its advantages?

Whatever pills this blond 40ish woman is on makes her
1) believe she has a convincing european accent
2) believe she has a right to talk about maintaining dignity while on an ad for buttwipe sticks.
3) right eye close randomly
4) ears grow freakishly

Since the 1880s, people have relied on archaic and filthy technology to cleanse their buttholes. Then came the bright teal, contoured buttwipe stick. The whole "look what technology has given unto us" feel of the website reminded me of this scene.

The problem is that you have this buttstick sitting next to the toilet. It would take a hazmat team and a priest to get that thing clean enough for Mandi to touch. And whoever thinks I can guide a TP wad on an 18" stick to effectively cleanse hasn't seen a) what I can produce back there and b) me trying to put up xmas lights with my extendo-reach tool.

It'll sell like hotcakes, though. I already have my xmas shopping done.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Coccyx comes from the greek "cuckoo" cause it has a curved pointy beak

I have entered the celebrity coccyx trade for two reasons only:

First: To satisfy my customers fully. I pledge to offer the finest famous tailbones and tailbone-related merchandise at the lowest prices. If you have a celebrity coccyx to sell, I promise to pay the highest prices for even the most inferior of coccyges.

Second: To spill the blood of as many annoying celebrities as I can.

An irritating man who is paid millions to "interview" other irritants, the incomprehensible Larry King has been my main source of irritation with CNN for nearly two decades. Though Mr. King is a decent and reputable man, he has always maintained his talk show to a standard of quality easily attainable by, say, a housecat. Except a cat might listen to the guest's answers more, and offer more intelligent insight. He also is repulsive to the eye, and seems to enjoy hurting me with his choice of ties and suspenders. Because of these violations against me, I must hereby offer a ransom for his extracted lower vertebrae.