Friday, June 30, 2006

The Movie That Fell to Earth

Superman was not that great. HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL!! Any Superman movie that has him going to the hospital does not know the character. Writing=2 mangled thumbs down. Acting/casting=2 thumbs up.

I'd much more like to talk about the mexikids sitting behind me. There was a herd of 7 or 8 hispanics with kids ranging from 10-13 years old that each needed one punch each, right in the mexi-nuggets. They wouldnt shut up or stop kicking our chairs. I had to turn around and talk meanly, which I dont like to do, being a funloving sweethearted guy. That would get them to settle for 5 minutes, though, before their retard mouths kicked into gear again. And you can't beat up kids in a Superman movie. Wait, can you? Cause I think they needed it. Just thinking about pummelling them makes my mouth water. I would take my time, starting out with a good working over in the crotchal region, then start cutting up the face with fists of rightous fury. The parents would rise halfway through (they were a little slow) and say something like "Deje de pummel mis hojos...." and receive the Pibb in the face, blinding them so I can move in for the orbital-lobe-fracturing elbows and throat chops. Then here comes the bag of doorknobs in the crotch. Kids start to recover, weakly struggle to protect their parents. I snap off their seat-kicking feet and cram them down their gullets. Eyes bulge as they fight for breath around the cruel vinyl and rubber of their costco roller-sneakers. Losing consciousness, they sink back into their chairs, and the audience cheers and hoots. Hands are shaken, gratitude is expressed. and I yell out "Let's shut it up for the Soops!" and we all do.

Superman probably wouldnt approve. But the awesomest superhero character in the universe, Lobo, would heartily endorse my actions.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Lists for a ShouldBeWorking

9 lasts

Last dollar spent: Costa Vida nachos
Last cigarette: Never never never
Last beverage: Diet Coke with Lime to wash down the Percoset
Last movie: Spinal Tap for the 125th time (this time with commentary)
Last phone call: Kip from Vox
Last song played: POD-Boom
Last bubble bath: Saturday
Last time you cried: When I smashed my finger on thursday night. 2 tears.
Last thing you ate: Papa Murphy hawaiian

8 have you evers.

Have you ever dated a best friend: yes
Have you ever skinny dipped: yes, in some hot springs
Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: yes
Have you ever lost someone you loved: yes, Grandparents, but that's nto very original
Have you ever been dumped: like a hot turd thrice
Have you ever been drunk and threw up: yes
Have you ever ran away: no
Have you ever wanted someone you thought you couldnt have then found out they liked you: yes

7 states you've been to.

1. CA
2. NV
3. UT
4. ID
5. WA
6. CO
7. AZ

6 things you've done today: (in no particular order...)

1. showered with my thumb sticking out above the curtain
2. designed 2 logos
3. made plans for a meeting with bosses
4. emailed a guy about a trip to Canada
5. emailed some people
6. mad eplans to pick up a check from a client

5 of your favorite things in no order.

1. rain walks
2. sunglasses
3. nachos
4. Tenacious D
5. drums

4 people you can tell [almost] anything to in no order..

1. mandi
2. joel
3. christopher
4. sisters

3 things that make you smile.

1. lesbian art directors
2. gooch massages
3. Marcos Mateau

2 things you want to do before you die.

1. too many things to list
2. go to Argentina

1 one thing you can't live without

1. Kids (just mine, I can live without all other kids)

One-Legged Man Part Two

Craig comes over last night to chat. We sat outside and nothing, not the setting sun, a phone call from a client, kids, NOTHING could get this man to pack up his leg and get home. The pretense of the visit was he wanted to rototill with me, but he saw my thumb and realized that wasnt happening. I think the guy really likes to rototill.

Highlights of his ramblings:
He used to go walking when he lived in Salt Lake. He would bring along a huge knife, in case of dog attacks. He DID get attacked by a dog, a rabid pit bull, and he killed it by driving his knife into the back of his head.

He went to Gold's Gym for a while, but had to stop cause of some "bowel problems" he had in the pool.

He used to sit in the sprinkler in his wheelchair in only his shorts. The neighborhood kids would dance around him.

He once saved the neighbor kid from geting run over in the street in front of my house. Because it was so hot, he got a blister from the asphalt (he doesnt wear shoes), which got infected and eventually led to his leg being amputated. The mystery is solved! But he's not blaming her, she's just a kid, he says, but he kept on saying "If only she'da stayed on the grass..."

He told the bishop he didnt want to get married again, cause he didnt want to replace him. The bishop recently got married, and then soon after was made bishop.

He had to punch his dad to get him to stop telling One-Leg's daughter to come to church.

All these gems and more were interwoven with very little coherence into a long life narrative which is a conversation with One-Leg. I've grown to cherish these moments with him, when you can say and ask anything, and it will somehow flow into a bizarre story with beautiful imagery and creativity.