Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Lost Video

What if Hurley from Lost got so hungry he ate everyone and everything on the island? He'd be lonely, that's what. Here's an illustration of that.

Speaking of which, the Season Premiere is on my birthday in February. We should have a party or something.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Best Oliver Quotes of 2009

Mandi, after seeing Oliver pull his swim diaper down a little and start playing with his weener: "Do you need a new diapy?"
Oliver: "Yeah, I'm just playing with my butt,"
Mandi goes in the living room and he follows, making his ween go around and around in a circle. "My butt is just going around. It's just crazy!"
Then he stretches it out and says, "My butt is just LONG!!"

Oliver: "I wonder if I could kill Grandma."
Mandi: "WHAT?? Why would you say that?"
Oliver: "I'm just kidding..........but I just wondered about getting a new one."

"I don't like to kill capes, because they're awesome."

Coming into the bathroom when someone is pooing: "How's the poo goin', Joe?"

"You smell like pumpkin, and you're warm, and I love you."

Oliver and Mandi (Having an intense argument over whether Link is a girl or a boy): "She's a girl!"
Mandi: "Let's see what the computer says."
Oliver: "The computer just don't talk!"
Mandi (showing him the Link Wikipedia page that said he was a boy): "There. See?"
Oliver (exasperated): "She's just a girl! Let him be a girl! Burp is telling me it's a girl."
Mandi: "Who? Bert?"
Oliver: "NO! BURP! IN MY MOUTH! Burp is just my best friend, and he is saying that Link is a girl!"

Oliver, standing up watching Tom and Jerry while eating some cereal. He has his weener out of his underwear and he's banging it with the back of his spoon.
Mandi: "Don't bang your bum with the spoon!"
Oliver, looking up with a smile: "That'd be jigglay!"
Then he goes back to scooping his cereal up with his spoon.

Oliver, at a hotel hot tub with me, listening intently to a mother and daughter discussing body hair issues: "Dad, I just have a hairy tummy."

Thanksgiving of Danger

Last year, we had the incident of some excessive drinking, my overmedication, and a big fight which led to my brother walking out with his kid before we even sat down to eat.

He wasn't there this year, and all alcohol and drugs were banned, so it was assumed that it would go somewhat more smoothly.

After eating a nice Thanksgiving feast at Mandi's parents in Sandy (her dad's name is Randy and the yams? Candied.) we went to my sister's house in Orem. She has been really worried about this for some reason, and has had the table set and decorations ready for about 3 weeks. She really went all out with the decor and preparations.

After I said the prayer we dug in. Mandi had brought this big green glass dish with stuffing and she had warmed it up in the oven. Dorothy saw this and she put it on top of the stove on a hot burner to keep warm. You're not supposed to keep glass things on the stovetop burners. Did you know that? I did, but Dorothy apparently didn't. Some dude went into the kitchen. We hear this huge explosion and a calm but fervent "Ouch." He had tried to move the glass dish off the burner. As soon as he touched it it exploded, sending hot stuffing into his face and green glass shards all over the kitchen. There were seriously glass shards embedded into the cabinetry on the opposite side of the kitchen.

I don't get how he escaped serious injury. A Thanksgiving miracle!

I ate a lot. And drank a lot of juice, to my dismay, because once we finished the pitcher, we found a live wasp hanging out at the bottom. This was also Dort's fault, since she had put the pitcher outside on the porch to keep cool.

Afterwards we played speed scrabble and some Xbox. My mom was putting away some antique dishes that belonged to her mom. She went to sit down in a chair, and fell over backwards, still
holding the plates. It was agreed by everyone there that this humorous crash (that slightly damaged her wrist) was a perfect ending to the evening. I think she might have been breaking the no-alcohol rule. The End.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Balls of Fury

I forgot to get Alex's bike fixed, so out of guilt yesterday I got him a new Xbox game. As I walked in the door, I challenged him to a match. I practiced and mastered the tutorial while he did homework, then we began. He won me three games in a row...I think I got one point. The kid is a natural at any game that is in video format.

Isabel then asks to play. I hand it over and soon they are doing smashing it back and forth. They accomplish a rally of 475. That's 475 hits. Without. Stopping. Mandi gives them chores, and they continue playing while doing their chores. They didn't have one match that was less than 200 volleys.

Hopefully our future involves fighting all the world's problems with Xbox controllers. If so, I think we're in good hands.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Thanks Yoko

That shiver down your spine you're feeling is her voice. To be fair, at least she kept her clothes on.

Friday, August 21, 2009


Mandi's post got me thinking about mullets and how much I dislike them. In perusing my old pictures, though, I found that I guess at one time I was a big fan.

It looks like I only colored the front and back of my hair. And only ripped the top of my shirt.

During this period I was listening to a lot of Depeche Mode, Duran Duran , and even some non-gay bands. Duran Duran taught me the most on how to perfect the least masculine hairstyle possible. Here we are hiding from an angry christian mob.

Let's try to ignore the erect finger and concentrate on the fact that this is probably the most attractive my friend Jim ever looked. If you know Jim, you know that in the present day, he is far below desirable. But this picture captures him at a time before the metabolism slowed and when mullets were not a punishable offense. Thanks, Nanette for at least trying to butch up what continues to be an extremely gay picture.

I have to hand it to Joel, who was so staunchly anti-mullet that he went the completely opposite direction and grew his bangs out to ridiculous lengths, which then resembled a mullet when combed back, thereby collapsing his pro-bangs platform.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Top 11 Most Bizarre Logo Design Requests

11: (Under "Things the client doesn't want in their logo") "Chartoon, blocky, screaming, value"

10: "The logo should not be too squiggled"

9: (Under Things they definitely want in the logo") A graphic of a semen stain

8: "Must show a globe, and some guinea pigs in each concept. I want the globe to have the true colors of the globe with the guinea pigs in different colors walking across the globe or walking below the globe with my company name below the guinea pigs."

7: "Do you ship logos to Lagos Nigeria?"

6: "I working in India I saw your work is excellent. Sir I work with us. Please give me a guide line. I waiting your reply."

5: (Under "Important applications of your logo, i.e. business cards, website, signage")
"1: You have to know how to dance
2: you have had a boyfriend before
3: you have at least more than 2 friends
4: you love to watch television"

4. (Under "Things you definitely don't want in the logo") "I do not want any goats in my logo. I strongly dislike them, and they smell, so no goats, a lamb would be ok, but no goats, that's where I draw the line. Goats are out!"

3: (Under "What don't you like about the logo?") "I don't like the green as the text colour. This was particularly not liked by a colourblind colleague."

2: "I am in need of a logo that conveys brain injury but with a hopeful future. Can you help?"

1: "My products are all nadmade so please make the idea suitable for my products."

Friday, July 24, 2009

I encounter a dumb person

Alex has a friend that is less intelligent than most people. I don't want to say retarded, but he's severely intellectually handicapped. He's a latino kid named Jarome or Jaron. He is constantly accompanied by his more intelligent sister, who is about the same age. Jaron will call (employing his sister to push the correct sequence of buttons) and ask if Alex can play. Then he and his sister will come over. If one of them is invited to a party, they both come. I seriously have never seen them apart.

I'm not the kind of parent that lets friends eat over much. I have to really like the kid to allow him at my dinner table. Since these two don't qualify for that honor, every night at dinner time I say, "You kids need to go home now. We're eating dinner. Do you want me to drive you, or do you want to walk?"

"No, we're good." Jaron will say, plopping himself down in front of the tv and flipping through the channels.

"The point is, you will now be leaving us. Get in the car."

They don't know their address, so they guide me to their house. The girl is aware that it's on 750 east, but that's it. I'll drop them off at their empty house, and they'll find the housekey and go in.

For a while I thought they didn't have parents, because parents are supposedly the ones that teach kids manners and what their address is, but apparently I was wrong. Once their dad came to our door to pick them up. They had asked if Alex could sleep over, so I wanted to feel out the guy a little first.

"Alex isn't ready yet," I say. "Give me your address and I'll drop him off later."At the time, I hadn't been to their house.

He gives me a blank stare.

"?Cual is tu direccion?" I ask.

"I don't know."

Now, this family has lived there for over a year. I'm not a hyper-organized type, but there hasn't been a place I've lived (including Ecuador) where I didn't know the address of where I was living within the first week. I consider it a semi-important thing to know. But not this guy.

"What's your phone number? I'll call you after you find out from your wife." I assumed there had to be someone at the house that knew.

"I don't know."

"Oh, you don't have a phone?"

"No, I have phone. I don't know the number."

I go into really-polite-understanding mode, acting like, hey, none of us really can keep track of ALL the crap we've got on our plate. "Oh, well, that's fine...I'll find it on the caller ID." And then I internally winced, knowing that "caller ID" was definitely out of their lexicon. What rattled me most was that this timid, confused man was an exact replica of his son. It occurred to me that maybe this man was a cyborg from the future that the kids used only on Parent-Teacher Night and to drive them places but was completely bewildered by humans and their ways.

They went home, and I washed my hands of the whole business. Mandi wound up taking him to the sleepover.

My parents didn't burn too many calories in my upbringing, and I turned out to be pretty-what's the word? Oh yeah, awesome. So maybe I worry too much about discipline and friends and memorizing my phone number and I just need to relax more.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Sanitary Solution

I found this disturbing website and immediately thought it was an SNL spoof. Apparently, it's not. So I believe this will be the first video re-creation that I will attempt. Mandi, get the wigs. But, who shall play that sophisticated gentleman who has found that being a big man has its advantages?

Whatever pills this blond 40ish woman is on makes her
1) believe she has a convincing european accent
2) believe she has a right to talk about maintaining dignity while on an ad for buttwipe sticks.
3) right eye close randomly
4) ears grow freakishly

Since the 1880s, people have relied on archaic and filthy technology to cleanse their buttholes. Then came the bright teal, contoured buttwipe stick. The whole "look what technology has given unto us" feel of the website reminded me of this scene.

The problem is that you have this buttstick sitting next to the toilet. It would take a hazmat team and a priest to get that thing clean enough for Mandi to touch. And whoever thinks I can guide a TP wad on an 18" stick to effectively cleanse hasn't seen a) what I can produce back there and b) me trying to put up xmas lights with my extendo-reach tool.

It'll sell like hotcakes, though. I already have my xmas shopping done.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Coccyx comes from the greek "cuckoo" cause it has a curved pointy beak

I have entered the celebrity coccyx trade for two reasons only:

First: To satisfy my customers fully. I pledge to offer the finest famous tailbones and tailbone-related merchandise at the lowest prices. If you have a celebrity coccyx to sell, I promise to pay the highest prices for even the most inferior of coccyges.

Second: To spill the blood of as many annoying celebrities as I can.

An irritating man who is paid millions to "interview" other irritants, the incomprehensible Larry King has been my main source of irritation with CNN for nearly two decades. Though Mr. King is a decent and reputable man, he has always maintained his talk show to a standard of quality easily attainable by, say, a housecat. Except a cat might listen to the guest's answers more, and offer more intelligent insight. He also is repulsive to the eye, and seems to enjoy hurting me with his choice of ties and suspenders. Because of these violations against me, I must hereby offer a ransom for his extracted lower vertebrae.

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Gift of Absence

The day before Mother's Day, I thought I'd do something nice for the lady in my life. I didn't have a clue what to do until her and my daughter told me the zoo was having a mother's day promotional thing where you buy a tee for $7 and get in free. So I packed up the kids and took them without Mandi. That doesn't sound like a good present, but it is.

I picked up my mom on the way. She's always up for some fun. And telling me how to drive. I almost kicked her out of the car.

The first thing we did was get our faces painted. The kids all got their favorite animal, but I asked the girl to make it look like
wolverine had scratched me with his adamantium claws. And I said to do a teardrop, because it hurts to get clawed. She did pretty well, but the hat goes off to Oliver's painter. She had to endure him talking about Donkey Kong the entire time. The thing with my kid, Oliver is that, yeah, he's cute, but get him started, and he will talk until you are forced to put him down iwith a shotgun.

Then we went and stood in line for the train. The dude ahead of me had his face painted like Wolverine, so we started chatting about the movie, and how his wife (who was painted like a flamingo) needs to see it. Yeah, the reviewers didn't like it, and most comic book geeks didn't like it, but I thought it was freaking awesome just because
a) Wolverine clawed a crapload of people and
b) Deadpool's head created the Three Mile Island disaster. For some reason, this didn't convince her.

Check out Alex's socks. I'm so proud.

That night I went and saw Star Trek with my pal Jeremy. Spoiler alert: Time travel is awesome. You know how on the TV show, Spock was supposedly captain of a starship for 20 years before he even met Kirk? Well, JJ Abrams had an answer for that: No, he wasn't. You know how on the TV show, the dude that goes on the mission wearing a red shirt always gets his ass killed? That was awesome. In the movie, they changed that to a dark maroon shirt.

Last night I watched some of the Biggest Loser finale (where, like every reality show competition, the most annoying person won) until the finale of Fringe (where the most annoying character gets split in half or turned inside out or injected with alien larvae). Then I went to Blockbuster to get Taken. I had heard it was good from somebody that when I remember the identity of will get a punch in the crotch. It should have been called Taken From Behind by 20th Century Fox. Qui-Gonn is too old for cool-looking karate. It was entertaining to see Shannon from Lost run in a couple scenes (which we kept rewinding) because she runs like tranquilized Frenchman with no arm control. All the dudes in the Lost discussion forums talk about how hot she is, but this is something that probably could not be explained by science. Actresses are supposed to either convincingly play a character or turn me on, not make you flip off the screen until your fingers hurt.

The set of skills he's acquired that he uses in this movie are:
1) having a friend in the CIA that can look up all the information about the kidnappers in the space of 15 minutes after getting 10 seconds of audio over a cell phone.
2) the ability to zoom in and print a hi-res picture of someone taken with a normal cell phone camera.
3) the ability to make a special brew of chemicals that make drugged out prosititutes wake up and feel better.
4) the ability to be shot at multiple times from point blank range with an automatic weapon, yet receive no injury.

Wow, I watch a lot of things. Maybe I ought to take some time to get to know my family least until Terminator comes out.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Quotes That I Find Inspirational

"If you only want to lose things, then you should invite the gift of loss into your home."

"Courage is trying hard to not be afraid when something is really scary, like the vision of your dad in nothing but an apron, working in his garage."

"If you win something without having risked anything, than it's not as good as if you had risked losing your family, cause it makes for a better story"

"All races are equal but have you ever seen how Armenians dance? Yikes!"

"My enemy's enemy is my super turbo enemy."

"The cement on your neighbor's driveway is always grayer than yours."

"It's all fun and games until someone loses control of their bowels"

"It's not that I can't find fleeting happiness in a homosexual relationship, it's just that no homos are interested."

"Being a good friend means telling the absolute truth, and being a good neighbor is shutting up about my lawn needs."

"A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but some salad tongs are better for suppositories."

"To any dude who disagrees with any of my quotes: it's time to confess to your parents that maybe the ladies aren't your thing."

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Way to go, 2.6 percent!

This week the most hilarious thing I've read was a Daily Herald article about Utah's Defender of Christianity, Dell Schanze. My favorite part is the sentence "Schanze said he turned down the plea agreement because the case makes a mockery of the court system and Christianity and promotes homosexuality." I can picture the writer trying to wrestle some coherence into the paragraph while showing this lunatic's side. And I do mean lunatic. Isn't one of the recognizable signs of schizophrenia a conviction that everyone is against you, and nothing you have done is your own fault? "It's impossible for me to be reckless driving." Really?

Saying that the media destroyed his business is a lot like saying my pants have destroyed my butt's smell.

His entertaining blog has a list of awesome quotes. Yeah, you're not cocky, you just put a list of YOUR OWN inspirational quotes on your blog. And they are truly pearls like "Wanting is the first step to getting."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Leaving Las Begas

Oliver calls it "Las Begas", so that's what it is for me. This is nowhere near all the pics we took...I just have to find the rest. A lot of them were lost forever because we somehow misplaced our Flip. This is one of the many things we lost on this trip, which makes the pics we have all the more precious...

There was beautiful scenery on the way down. I kept taking pictures instead of driving well. We went through a few rainstorms, but they were light and you could see them coming from far off.

I love the Cancun. The bathtub is ample, jetted and comfortable.

One day we went to the Las Vegas Natural History Museum. We were pretty much the only people there, so we took time to take pictures of everything and really get to know the place. I think we took a picture next to each physical object on the building. Here's what scientists think Adam looked like.

This is my new favorite animal, the helicoprion (from the Greek "Helicopter Pilot") that lived 250 million years ago. Scientists can't figure out if it had a bad-A spike-whip lower lip or if it was like a buzzsaw, but either way, it's pretty awesome. I'd like to keep one as both a pet and carpentry tool.

Mandi made us go on a hike in Zion's that ended disastrously. I think next time we'll go there in the summer and spend a couple days and not tack it onto an early spring Vegas trip.

I'll let Mandoo post the rest of the pics. It was a fun time, except for the end, when God decided to punish us for befouling Easter and chucked a bunch of lightning bolts made of poo at us.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Sometimes all you need is a little vibrational resonance

In doing logo research for a mortgage brokerage firm, I came across a reality-based object that, if used correctly, could mean the end to my electro-magnetic pollution.

You know how when you use your cell phone or iPod and you're hearing words, but don't really feel love? If you stick this dogtag into your cell phone, "it translates into the power of love as it is needed". Look, it couldn't be simpler. You know how water crystallized into different things when you write words on the glass? It's simply a geometric synergistic love-angel operating on the phoenic plane! It's not rocket science!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

What a crazy joke!

I got an email today saying "Invitation to be a juryman" and I opened it up and saw this! That's so nuts! Weener pills aren't jury duty! Thanks a lot, the_prophet28!

Monday, March 09, 2009

I watch the Watchmen

Friday night I saw Watchmen again with Bigelow. My review is: AWESOME. Go see it, then read the book.

I've told some of you about one night 6 years ago at the Provo Towne Center. or Town Centre. You know how there's a steep grass hill separating the two levels of parking outside the theater? That long-ago night I was by myself and I saw that the recently watered hill would be tough to get down. At that time I was in a little better shape, so I knelt down on one sandal and, with one leg out in front to steer, I slid straight down and stood up at the end in one awesome movement. Yes, people were watching and yes, they thought I was a freaking ninja. I've had 4 kids and gotten married, but this was, by far, the coolest thing that had ever happened to me.

Well, on Friday night I come out of there with a full bag of large popcorn, and I stop at the top. I couldn't tell, but it didn't look
wet at all. I don't have my slick-soled sandals on, so I start walking all gingerly down the slope. Remember on Arrested Development when Tobias Funke takes a slip on his mother-in-law's spilled cocktail? After about 5 steps I did one of those, flat on my tailbone. The 15 mexicans at the bottom of the hill start laughing THEIR BUTTS OFF. They made no pretense of hiding their joy at seeing this awesome tumble. I get up and slowly make it to the bottom and walk past them saying "Ow." with every step, which makes them laugh harder. They were looking at the hill where you see, in the wet grass, 5 footprints, then an explosion of yellow popcorn and a skidmark, then 5 more steps to the bottom.

I don't get embarrassed, but it was a pretty not cool moment for me.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Secret of my Success

What if I could show you a system of eating which was so different from anything else you've ever seen, that you'll notice a change in your body in just 7 Days from today? Take your psychiatrist-searching finger out of those Yellow Pages for a second and read this. Do you think I'm blogging about it for any kind of personal gain or satisfaction? I've got literally a two-foot pile of projects that are past due, but I'm taking the time to help people out, so they'll stop asking me why I look so good.

Forget about your past dieting failures for a freaking SECOND.

This is my life and I'm loving every minute of it.

If the possibility of EXTREME WEIGHT LOSS is "science fiction" for you then go to the kitchen, look under the sink, and and immediately drink an entire gallon of whatever cleaning product you find because you do not deserve to read this post or exist in the same universe as me. But if you are brave and ready to live the HOTTIE life please meet the secret to my success.

Here is the secret: One morning I turned on the TV to Oprah (my favorite celebrity), she had Dr. Oz on the show and they proceeded to talk about a snack called "Animal Cookies" and how it is the new "superfood". Dr. Oz proceeded to talk about this cookie that had been discovered in the Amazon called "Keebler Frosted Animal Cookies". The part that caught my attention was when Dr. Oz explained how these cookies help you lose weight by suppressing hunger and boosting energy, exactly what I needed. It was on Oprah (and she knows weight loss) and promoted by Dr. Oz so I figure why not?

At this point I need to tell you that any doubters about this cookie can 1)stop reading this. Then, 2) find some scissors and RUN WILDLY AROUND YOUR HOUSE. You don;t deserve the blessings of this product, because your cold callous heart can't allow room for miracles.

To continue my story: It seemed almost coincidental when I saw Dr. Oz again the next day on other shows talking about another good way to lose weight. Dr. Oz also mentioned that keeping your colon clean can be a great way to lose weight in which dieting and exercise cannot. Expressing that a years worth of bad junk get stuck in your colon like toxins etc. I don't know all the medical terms but the point is simple and I just figured out the perfect answer that led to my incredible weight loss! And I didn't need to look any farther than my bathroom (next to my toilet).

That's right. I used a toilet brush ***REST OF SENTENCE DELETED TO MAINTAIN STANDARDS OF DECENCY***. Once a day, in fact. and let me tell you: besides the pounds of fat I'm sweating off, I have also developed numerous muscles. Tore like three t-shirts this week alone. I didn't want to freak anyone out if my pectoral muscles involuntarily flexed and ripped another shirt, so that's why I've just been wearing muumuus.

There are those that think this is ridiculous. I feel sorry for you, frankly. In fact I hope a witch casts a spell that traps you in an infinite time loop where you experience your first day of junior high every waking moment of your life for the rest of eternity. This is how serious I am about helping you lose weight.

During my trial period of 7 days I lost of total of 23 lbs, how amazing! Currently I'm 210, so I have about 40 or 45 more pounds to go for my personal goals but I am so much more happier and I will continue to use this system for the last lbs I don't want. It has only been a week, so that's close to 3.5 pounds per day! I don't know if it's the Folic Acid or the Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, but something in these cookies is working!

I feel the best I've ever felt in years and it's all thanks to those Keebler elves and Body Cleansing, Dr. Oz and Oprah. My wife and family are extremely proud of me and the time I get to spend with my kids and family is just priceless. Best of all, I feel at least 10 years younger! If you can't see the value in that, then I I hope a wild rhino bursts through your living room window and tramples your face. In fact I'll be riding that rhino and I won't stop him.

I hope my story has inspired you to go take action change your life by losing weight. Don't give up! Let me know how it works out for you!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

hey did you know he was hanged

the way I found out was a mass emailing was sent to me with the title URGENT URGENT URGENT so I hurried and answered it and quickly clicked on every picture and link in it so I could get the news as quickly as possible and then I forwarded it on to every person I know.

Thank you to Carrie for spreading the word.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Doesn't anybody drink human blood for the taste anymore?

You may remember my earlier post about Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey; Vampyre, wrestler, and Presidential candidate.

He's in the news again. The only part of the story that I need to know is a) he harassed a girl that felt some sympathy for him, and b) she tried to break up with him using the "I'm a vampyre hunter" ploy that never works.

He's a pretty tough dude. He says in his MySpace page that he "makes Rambo look like Mother Teresa" and he plans to impale "CHILD MOLESTORS, RAPISTS, KILLERS, DEALERS AND ISTS". So I guess he stays pretty busy.

So there's your morning entertainment.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

As long as you're grieving, let me steal your stuff.

My sister and boyfriend had their car broken into on Saturday while they attended a funeral up very close to my inlaws' house in Cottonwood Heights. The thieves took her purse, cell phone and other valuables and gave them the chance to drive back to Orem with a completely missing window. With this weather, who needs windows anyway?

Apparently, the same girl that did that stole from another member of AFCU, and their cameras were able to capture her successfully getting money out of her account with stolen ID (that looks nothing like her) and stolen checks. The tellers don't look at your ID to see if you look like your picture, so why do they ask for it? Answer: Just for fun.

As of today, there's been no detective assigned to the case, even though they have a good load of evidence to work with and plenty of victims. So I thought I'd post a couple pics of the fine piece of humanity that does this for a living. If you see her, I wouldn't recommend calling the police. Just do me a favor and tackle her, tie her up and slowly lower her into a velociraptor cage.

p.s. Laura made me take them down for some reason, so I'll have to post an illustration.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Two morals: Get to Church on Time, and PG-13 Means PG-13

I stayed up late Saturday night watching "Man On Wire". Its a documentary about a french dude that walked on a wire between the World Trade Center North and South Towers. It was awesome. What was the best was that he did it 8 times. After walking across once, I would be able to say, ok, I've had my fill of walking 250 feet on a wire that's a 17 miles up. But he needed to do it 7 more times until the police threatened to pull him off with a helicopter (which would have been awesome to see). I wanted the kids to watch with us, so they could learn to follow their dreams and aim high and all that crap, but Mandi said NO because it was rated PG-13. The whole time I'm like, its just rated that because they dont want kids to do this, and its tense and scary sometimes. It's a documentary, what are they gonna do?

So finally she relents and the kids come in to watch. Then comes the part when he had just come down from the towers and he's all famous and the police let him go and he goes and immediately has intercourse with some chick, cameras rolling. The scene snuck up very quickly and stealthily, and it's full frontal, so I scramble for the remote and Mandi sends the kids out all panicky.

To paraphrase Patrick Stewart; "By that time, we've seen everything".

Oops. So now the kids think we're into watching that kind of thing, and that we do it all the time.

So Sunday morning i woke up really groggy and out of it. As usual we get to church at about 9:10, and I have this feeling in the back of my head that I've forgotten something major. "It'll come to me" I think, barely listening to the talks. Then the talk ends and I see the choir all congregate up there on the stand. For a split second I think "Oh good, the choir's going to sing" but then I realize that I'm supposed to be UP THERE WITH THE MUSIC TO PASS OUT AND I DONT HAVE THE MUSIC AND I'M THE CHOIR DIRECTOR so I run up there and say "hey dudes, I forgot. I'm gonna run home and get the music" (which noone hears) and I tell the bishop to just have the last speaker go and we'd do the song at the end. I stand up in the front of the choir, raise my hands, then slowly do the "sitdown" signal that we all know and love from Primary. I run outta there and drive home real fast.

Remember the weather on Sunday? Perfect for driving home fast in. I missed 4 stops because I skidded past them.

Turns out, the bishop didnt hear me either, so he awkwardly had the congregation sing a hymn from the book. I get back and sit down, and the last speaker is vamping, waiting until he sees me. He doesn't see me, so I wave my hands up in the air. So I get up there to the mike and say "I apologize...did you ever have one of those days?..". and everyone chuckles and I turn
around and we do the MOST OFF THE HOOK RENDITION OF QUEEN'S "DON'T STOP ME NOW" that any choir has ever sung.

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Lady is a Year Older

How can I describe your crosswords?
My pen burns with passion
My eyes ache, hands tremble
filling in the spaces you could not accomplish.

She has updated the blog.
The anticipation is over.
And I get the full "making of mandi's blog post"
like dvd extras of an excellent movie

The phone rings, and I answer,
Eagerness washes me, but quickly
I am repentant.
I have forgotten the house rules of not answering.

Together, we laugh at a picture
and my heart soars in readiness
for soon we will create a costume
and photoshop the likeness with tears of joy

You rein me in and whip my weathered hide
"The kids cannot watch this PG-13" you cry
I argue, I fight, your resolve weakens and the the children enter
Right when the graphic sex scene begins

Her eyes, shining, bedroomy, loving
Her sculpted lips, full of excitement
Her smile, telling me
That her birthday wishes are nothing,
but tending Oliver so that she might clean or do some aerobics.

I respond in wonder
for my wishlist is long and impossible
but you correctly and reasonably respond
that we are broke, as is always the case.

But...I find a coupon for Los Hermanos....

The passion is ablaze in the two of us.
Holding her tight I kiss those
Amazing and not yet aged lips.
What a woman,
My wife!

Monday, January 19, 2009

It was really, a chance to...go out n make memories with my kids

You may recall my previous post about getting a crisp hundie for taping an ad for an MLM. Well, I finally got the dvd.

Questions you might be asking yourself upon watching this video:

1: How gay can one man be? Can gayness be more than 100%, in essence bringing him around to the other side of the sexuality gamut, or perhaps entering a new universe of gay?

2: How sincere is the little "financial independence" nod?

3: Where do I sign up for Synergy?

I don't have the answers. Those await you once you enter the Synergy™ experience.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Good News for Watchers of Watchmen

Well, it looks like I won't have to go punch Rupert Murdoch in the crotch. He and his Fox cronies have finally settled with Warner Bros. over the rights to the Watchmen. This means I will be able to get the movie into my eyes in March like I've been planning on.

Q: What's the big deal?
A: It's Watchmen, the most well-conceived and executed graphic novel ever made. The complex beautiful brain-child of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. And it's Zack Snyder, director of 300. A perfect storm of awesomeness.

Q: Shouldn't people just leave awesome books alone, and not try to make movies out of them?
A: That's like saying leave sugar, milk and flour alone, and not make dulce de leche churros out of them. I'm finally going to be able to watch Dr. Manhattan build his Mars Fortress of Solitude, and the prison breakout of Rorschach on a huge screen with full Dolby Digital sound. As long as a director appreciates the material, I have no problem with them making it into moving pictures. That caveat is important, otherwise you get Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever, which was 2 stiff birds in the face of ever Batman enthusiast in the world.

Q: Should Zack Snyder make all the Frank Miller Sin CIty books into movies then?
A: Can I make this chair smell?