Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Steaming Toxic Fecal Mound that is Just Like Heaven

"Oh, this is a nice cover of a song I like by a band I like" you might say as you hear Katie Melua sing through the opening credits. Beware. Soon you will hate the song and anything else associated with this movie. You might enjoy Mark Ruffalo, as I once did, but even he now hates himself for being in this movie. Just look at his face on the cover of the dvd. That "working-through-a-dookie" face is him saying "I know. I'm sorry."

I can't say how I liked the middle part, cause I walked out when he decides to do a seance, and I returned when he was giving her mouth-to-mouth in the hospital in front of everyone. Mandi filled me in that a lot of things happened, like her being a spirit of a comatose body that has amnesia, and when she goes back into the body, her spirit has amnesia. And her spirit possessed the guy at one point and made him act like an ass in a bar and save a life. This is what they've given us to enjoy as an audience.

Witherspoon, spend some time away from a camera for a few years, take care of your kid. Work for some charities. Maybe then God will forgive you for this movie.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Phrases That Earn Their Speaker An Immediate Roundhouse Kick To The Face

1: "You'll get a dollar credit if you return this tomorrow before midnight" First of all, that's not gonna happen. Second of all, and more importantly, please don't say "before midnight" because if it was after midnight, it wouldnt be tomorrow. Just say tomorrow.

2: "I could care less..." it's not a grammar thing anymore. It's just the fact that people that say this actually do care a little about it, otherwise they wouldnt be making me listen to their freaking grammar problems.

3: "I hate to bother you, I just need..." Those 3 dots signify a significant bother will now be entering my ears. I will now be bothered, and this person is telling me he doesnt like to bother me. If he doesnt he would fall into a trapdoor and fall 3 floors immediately into lava. That would be much better if it went that way. Or even "Hey, I like to amuse you, so watch me dive into this lava." If he has to bother me, he could say, "I hate to bother you, but I like to juggle knives. Watch this (juggles knives) and by the way, can I put you on this overdue logo project? (roundhouse kick to head, followed by knives falling into eye) Owww!!"

4: "The logo needs to show what we DO" This is what is said after 3 things occur:
The person has received some pretty good logos

The person has a business which deals in general concepts like "consulting" or "Products and Services" or even "Truck Accessories" that is impossible to illustrate in an icon.

The person has said that his favorite logos are Dell Computers, Nike and CocaCola, without realizing the gross contradiction he has just committed.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Open Valentine to the Phantom Urinator

You. YOU. Hey, you.

You probable mexican, you, that couldnt hold it, and just didnt care. I opened the Toyota's door on that fateful morningnot knowing what awaited me. The smell immediately told me that my car had had an encounter most delicious. My daughter sat in your leavings, and innocently thought it was cat urine. I had her touch it and smell her hand. Then she knew it was you, and it melted my heart.

Happy Today, my little wandering Valentine, glancing around furtively while you tried to find a comfortable position. Was the lilac bush 10 feet away too far? Do you have a phobia of letting your little guy taste the open night air?

I know it's been a while, and you probably have only a dim memory of that night, but I have a favor to ask. I have a van. It's always open. I hate this van and want to leave it, but I'll need your help. With the window motor broken, the engine being repaired, the oft-skipping cd player, just everything so wrong with it, I need to make it right. So right, and I'm gonna need some more of your goodness.

In fact, leave more than mexi-urine. Vomit, go number two, spew whatever filth that only a sinverguenza like you can come up with. I want to see it shamed and befouled, so that keeping up a relationship with that fat-bottomed van is out of the question.

Because recently I came close to losing that van, but mandi made me keep it and try to fix its many ills, instead of buying another van. And it hurt to make that decision. So I need you. And in a crazy mixed up world likethis that we live in, is it too much to ask to get a cleveland steamer on my dashboard? You can even spell out "I heart you"...wait. Just surprise me.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Personal History Questions

What were you doing 20 years ago?
Lakeridge Jr. High. Bugging my little sister and skateboarding at the high school

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Trying out various jobs around Utah. I believe I worked most of the year at Holiday Inn Worldwide, setting up reservations for Holidays Inns....worldwide.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Working here at LogoWorks and teaching night classes in Illustrator and Photoshop. Preparing for the arrival of Oliver, and stressing about money.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Deli Style Lays
2. Sconecutter
3. Taco Time
4. Argentine Pastries
5. Popcorn

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
The The-Sweet Bird of Truth
Every Beatles song
Los Divididos-Que Tal
They Might Be Giants - Unsupervised, I Hit My Head
Fishbone - Sunless Saturday

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. New car
2. Travel to Argentina and France, in fact most of my money would go to travelling
3. Quit my day job and spend my time drawing, occasionally teaching
4. Gold-plated diapers for Oliver
5. Invest

Five bad habits:
1. Drinking too much Dr Pepper
2. Eating too much fast food
3. Plucking Chris Bigelow's beard
4. Swearing
5. Speeding

Five things you like doing:
1. Eating out
2. Reading for pleasure
3. Sleeping
4. Working on logos
5. Movies

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Ball gag
2. A jockstrap
3. Gold-plated diapers
4. bolo tie
5. Corduroys

Five things that scare you:
My driving
Fundamentalist muslims
Home Intruders
Child Rapists
Danny Elfman's cameo in "The Gift"

Deep Thoughts I Hadn't Heard

If I was a doctor operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a hundred dollar bill, flash it at the spirit, and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse. That oughta do it. In any case, I'd take the hundred dollar bill back before he woke up.

You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.

It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.

When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain and the dizziness.

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.