Monday, February 06, 2006

Deep Thoughts I Hadn't Heard

If I was a doctor operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a hundred dollar bill, flash it at the spirit, and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse. That oughta do it. In any case, I'd take the hundred dollar bill back before he woke up.

You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.

It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.

When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain and the dizziness.

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.


Eight Hour Lunch said...

Ok, that alternative crucifixtion is AWESOME!!! I'm going to have to stop reading your site in the library!

Anonymous said...'s alex.

toe goes.
paul's toe goes.
paul's toe goes doe.
doe goes paul's toe.

tony said...

You know how when you run over a ant with a bike? How would a steam roller crush a ant. Wouldn't it be scared of kids with magnifiing glasses, I geuse it wouldn't because there are no survivors, or pauls to that goes doe.