Monday, December 05, 2005

Review of Harry Potter-The Gobbler of Feces

It isn't too hard to make a Harry Potter movie now. It looks like all a director has to do is go on the same sets they've used in the past 3 or 4 movies, set up the cameras and have the actors say their lines. Then go into the computer and add dragons and floating candles. They've got those on their hard drive from the other movies, though, so it should take about 3 hours to make the entire movie.

Then the audience will come, since JK Rowling has ensured that this story will never end, and will not give them resolution to ANY plotline. Are Hermione and Harry going to make love? Is Harry going to conquer Lord Valdimore? Will Harry be involved in another tournament-type-deal where he kicks everyone's ass unexpectedly and has no idea what he did to kick the asses?

Rowling has built a solid formula with her books that worked well enough for the first movie, but has grown really tiresome with the rest of them. Rip off every interesting idea from every fantasy fiction you've read, mix it together, and leave the conclusion for the next book. The fans can be appeased with the numerous plotholes by adding the concept of Magic That Cannot Be Explained. And said magic can be brought on with a wand and saying some latin-sounding phrase. For example, if you want to hit your opponent in the crotch with a sack of doorknobs, you point the stick and say "testiculus doorknobium!" and it will happen.

But for those of us that are NOT fans of the book, it needs to be explained WHY Harry is so talented. WHY he needs to go to an academy where evidently he's in great peril everytime he goes, and he clearly outshines every single student and professor. WHY he doesnt insert his wand into Ron's neck and draw it quickly down into his pubic bone and let every organ fall out into a steaming pile on the floor. Side note: seriously, what's the deal with Ron? Is there friendship based on the fact that Ron lets Harry crash at his house? Is there any other reason in the books or movie that he isnt killed by every person that comes in contact with him?

I'll give an example of one scene, where the newly resurrected English Patient is threatening to finally kill Harry. They have a wand-pointing-magic battle. They stand there with competing rays of Magic struggling against each other...and then Harry talks to some ghosts and runs away and touches a magic trophy teleporter and gets away.

These two do not return to battle. We dont even see English Patient saying, "well, I'll do this next time" or "I'll get him". We're just left with two opponents that may or may not do battle again in the future. It would be like having a King Kong movie where the T-Rex and Kong hold each other's necks for a while, then run away into the jungle, and Kong talks to his trainer, Burgess Meredith, and he says, "you put up a good fight, kid, let's go eat some bananas" and they never fight again. This is not how a movie works! Will somebody please kick somebody's ass?!?!

The film is three hours, and every reviewer will tell you that it is the "darkest". Yes, it's dark, but for no reason. Spoiler: some dumbass kid that we don't care about and has three lines gets killed. It's as if Rowling is desperately trying to get out of a rut, but goes in the wrong direction, replacing imagination with death and gloom. She can't decide who her audience is anymore, so the result is a movie that is too scary for kids, and too retarded for adults. The wise wizard principal-dude says to Harry "the time will soon come to decide between what is easy, and what is the right thing to do". The easy thing for every fan of the books to do is deciding to watch this movie. That doesnt make it right.