Monday, July 31, 2006

Owen Wilson is My New Lover

This picture is from an incredibly awesome movie, Royal Tenenbaums, with Owen Wilson. I didnt want to support You, Me & Dupree, cause it looks really stupid.

But now, Steely Dan's is all mad, cause they think the movie (You, Me & Dupree, not Royal Tenenbaums) is based on a song they had (Cousin Dupree) about an annoying houseguest. You know what matters? Whether a movie has the same name as a person in your song.

Quoted from USA Today, "There are some pretty heavy people who are upset about this whole thing and we can't guarantee what kind of heat little Owen may be bringing down on himself," band leaders Walter Becker and Donald Fagen wrote in the letter.

In a statement released by his spokeswoman, Ina Treciokas, Wilson said: "I have never heard the song 'Cousin Dupree' and I don't even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, HEY 19. "

This is the awesomest response he could have possibly said. They deserve any mockery they get for actually saying to someone with a microphone that they could generate any kind of "heat" from their awesome influence of power and fanbase. And Hey 19 is another one of Steely Dan's songs. Is it lame to explain that?

Review of Lady in the Water

Friday I took Mandi to a movie called Lady in the Crappy Movie, the latest in a downward spiraling series of movies by M. Night Shyamalan. I will not contribute to his popularity by searching for the correct spelling of his name. This was a peanut log, and he ought to be ashyamed for having squeezed it onto the public's face. He takes a bedtime tale that he made up when drunk, hires some awesome actors like Paul Giamatti and Ron Howards daughter, then makes some monsters on his pc using MS Paint. Add some poo that doesnt make sense(like Frederico working out only one half of his body) and 20 days of shooting later, he's got himself another $200 million movie.

Pros: Paul Giamatti, Ron Howards daughter

Cons: every line of dialogue, and the parts where people weren't speaking, and the things that M in the Night made us watch during the talking and the nontalking parts. And the music. And the idea behind the movie.

I bet Disney is thankful they split ways with M. He got too big for his britches and left them because they had a meeting to discuss this movie, and one of the executives had to go to her kids b-day party, so he got pissed and said no more Disney partnership. I wish I had gone to a b-day party instead of seeing this movie.

The rest of the weekend was spent trying to remove this movie's taste from my head.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Subway or the Highway

Last night at Subway I had the most awkward and embarrassing experience for me that I can remember.

I walk in to get some dinner for me and mandi. I'm being nice, cause I hate this place. But I was talking to mandi on the phone and happened to be driving by, and I know she's a fan. So I said I'd get her something. I see this girl that I used to know from when I lived in a different neighborhood. I can't ever remember her name, but she always goes on and on about how I'm dressed. "Oh I love HomeStar Runner, blahblah"

She makes Mandi's sandwich without incident. As she's doing this, This fat turd starts making mine. He cuts the loaf, then starts to pull on some gloves. The exertion causes a drop of something nice from his greasy mane to drop onto his gloves. Without thinking how this will scar his life, or how loud my voice was, I say "Wait. never mind on that."

Greasy turd: "What?"

me: "I said never mind. I lost my appettite."

GT: "You don't want it?"

Me: " just dripped onto your glove. Sorry, but that's gross."

GT: "Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's just so hot back there...I can start a new one.."

Me: "No, I..just...I can't deal with this-"

I turn quickly to run like a little girl from the store and put this behind me. My sandalled foot hits the chip stand, and I catch it barely, but not before yelling an awful word. Loudly. I hate toe injuries the most. Every head in the room that is not already looking swivels over. The girl has an extremely amused look on her face. The dude looks ready to cry, because he's not prepared to defend his hygiene to a roomful of customers and coworkers and all he wants is to take the knife and slice his throat then and there, and I felt so bad for him and my toe and myself, for letting myself be embarrassed and that I made things so much worse.

I need to remember to ask myself "What would Chuck Norris do?"

So I left and got me some Arby's.

Possible Oral Disease=$15

There was a gooey stain on the table at Sonic. For a small fee I went ahead and licked.

One-paragraph reviews

Good Night, and Good Luck

A George Clooney peanut loaf that he pinched off just in time for Oscars last year, under the guise of paying tribute to Edward R. Murrow. It just did not have anything I cared about or needed to know. Great, Murrow stood up to a senator. By reporting some boring news. Why didnt he just beat the Senator McArthy with a bedpost that says "Love, Eddie" on it? What country does he think he lives in, if he can't get his enemy beaten with a bedpost? Why didnt the entire country give this senator a beatdown?

The Matador, starring Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear
This movie got some great reviews, by critics who are officially retarded. We walked out halfway, because it stunk so bad.

The DaVinci code. The book had one acceptable part where they're meeting with Gimpy Smart Guy and it makes you think and its interesting and the rest was a big Encyclopedia Brown car chase that makes you tired. The movie was exactly the same, except the Gimpy Smart Guy is played by Magneto and you get to see Albino Retard smackin himself with whips. Hey, Albino Retard, you know what would feel better than doing that? Not doing that. You might want to stop doing that.

Mission Impossible 3: Ethan Hunt is a Bad Mofo. Wow, the only movie in this post that I've liked. Spoiler Alert: Felicity gets her brains asploded in the first 10 minutes, so I knew I was in for a RIDE. Then some helicopters get crushed by huge industrial fans, Phillip Seymour Hoffman (my fantasy sleepbag mate) gets held out of a plane hatch, an Asian chick wears a hot red dress, and they break into the Vatican by running straight up a huge wall. There's so much awesomeness in this movie dammit GO SEE IT now. TELL YOUR SUPERVISOR TO KISS YOUR BUM.

Suck the Crap, a movie about Johnny Cash. starring Harelip guy that did his sister in Gladiator. The problem was, it had Reast Witherspoon in it.

Here is a graphic that illustrates how seamlessly Reast blends into every movie, nay, scene that she finds herself in.

We watched a couple minutes, then turned it off to watch another show about a man who weighed half a ton and had to go to the hospital. Hey, caregivers and loved ones of fatasses? How bout when they can't get out of bed, you DON'T bring them their food? Gee Minentley!

Nacho Libre was a movie that I should have just waited for the DVD (and then used a coupon). It was lamer than I'd hoped. I liked Napoleon Dynamite, but this was a cheap mexican clone that didnt quite finish what it had in mind. Jack Black was beautiful, it just needed another year of writing correction.

The Hills Have Poor Actors, a movie about twisted nuclear mutants that trap and eat people in the New Mexican desert. In the end, the least annoying person kills them, or calls the cops or something. I don't know, cause I couldn't last past the first 20 minutes. Why do I do this to myself?

Friday, July 07, 2006


My realtor, Evelyn, has four limbs that end in paws. Each paw has five long, sharp claws that are unretractible, unlike cats. These claws can be used to climb trees, rip open termite nests and beehives, dig up roots, or manipulate a cell phone. While most carnivores tend to walk on their toes in a way that is adapted for speed, my realtor has a plantigrade stance. She walks with their weight on the soles of her hindfeet, with the heel touching the ground, while the toes of the forefeet are used more for balance. Although slower than most bears, Evelyn can reach speeds of up to 50 km/h (30 mph). She is stronger than most realtors and her limbs are more flexible and agile.

Evelyn has a large body with powerful limbs. She is capable of standing up on her hind legs and putting on a business suit. She has broad paws, a long snout, and round ears. Her teeth are used for defense and tools. Her claws are used for ripping, digging, mouse-clicking, and pointing out features of a home. Her eyesight is probably similar in acuity (sharpness) to human realtors, though she can spot architectural flaws better than most. We know that she does have color vision to help her identify fruits, nuts, and carpet colors
Evelyn has a wide mouth with 32 to 42 teeth. They are not specialized for killing her prey like those of cats. Normal canine teeth in a carnivore are generally large and pointed used for killing prey, while Evelyn's canine teeth are relatively small and typically used in defense or as tools. Her molar teeth are broad, flat and are used to shred and grind plant food and powerbars into small digestible pieces.

In all bear species, males are larger than females, but the difference between sexes varies and is greatest in the largest species. While her husband is a human, her husband is as tall as her, but with some striking differences that we noticed last night while on a walk. He walked by us a few times, and we noted his stature and gait. He is very asymetrical, probably due with years of having to perform sexually with a bear. He looks like two different tall men (both of whom have sticks up their anusses), stuck together.

For the most part, bears are shy and are easily frightened of humans. This is what makes Evelyn a rarity, because she is very bold and forthcoming, and will approach anyone, even strangers, without hesitation. She "speaks" in short bursts, and will not back down from a challenge. She will also defend her cubs ferociously.