Tuesday, January 26, 2010

My wanton crush on the lady I live with

It's been a year since I last blogged fervently of my love for my sweet Mandoo. Since today is the anniversary of her birth, I thought I'd remind you what a sweet and special lady she is.

First off: a description of her, since many of you still have no idea what she looks like. This is probably because actual photographic evidence of her existence is rare. She's a bit self-conscious, and this coupled with a distorted self-image make her hate photographs of herself. I did manage to find a picture of her enjoying some vacation time at Disneyland.

She has thick, luxurious hair. She has thick, luxurious dimples. Her teeth are similar to a military cemetery. She's got the kind of timeless beauty that makes you think, "What catalog have I seen her on the cover of? Why did she marry that carny?" Just look at that picture. There's something about this picture that makes you feel all cheap and sexy while loving every minute of it, like you're eating McDonalds late at night.

For many, many years, she's been my Snuggie, my mentor, and my Live Studio Audience. And she's tolerated me with less and less numbness with each day that passes. Like a reverse Stockholm Syndrome, our relationship has progressed from the love and friendship to the point where she feels like a captive, doomed to endure the smells and jokes of a man doggedly determined to not mature. She has shown admirable restraint and has hardly used any kind of violence in my correction, although one incident springs to mind where my own actions resulted in my crotch having an extreme allergic reaction to her fist. She now only uses her best weapon—the English language—to keep me in line.

My coworkers often ask me why I let my wife make fun of me. "Don't worry, I have a plan." I tell her. "It hinges on the assumption that once she realizes I have no way of defending myself from her abuse she'll just pity me like everyone else. Then the pity turns into love." The plan is slowly coming to fruition.

Mandoo is one of the last true heroes to grace our planet, and her blog demonstrates her convictions like no other media can. Her courage, intelligence, and ingenuity knows no bounds. Her devotion to her family (especially Oliver) is well-documented. She has dedicated her life to raising me and the 4 kids and destroying my ways of terror so innocent civilians like you might rest easy at night knowing all is well. Happy birthday and God bless you Mandoo, wherever you may be (probably hiding from the fridge repairman).