Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Phil Riesen fans and Colonoscopy Enthusiasts: come to this blog

I've been getting a lot of hits from people searching for "anal mucosa" and other people wondering about their ass lesions. You're welcome for the info, people. The new tagline for the blog is "Come for the anal mucosa info, stay for the grins".

To celebrate our presidents, we took the kids to the state capitol, where my mom (a tour guide) gave us all the official tour. I saw some legislatin' and some earthquake proofin', but the most exciting thing was when Representative Phil Riesen of Channel 4 and John Paras Furniture fame comes out of his office. I yell "Hey, its Phil Riesen" and he immediately turns right around and goes back in. "Maybe I didnt really need to go out" he thought to himself, I guess.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Everything about my anus you wanted to know

Blogs are sort of like online journals, right? At least that's how I explained it in my "family heritage" talk. It's where we should write down the highs and lows of our lives, so later we can look back and be grateful for blessings and learn from our mistakes. It's time to stop thinking my private life can be private, especially when I have sisters with huge flapping mouths. So take a deep cleansing breath. And release.

I guess you've heard: I have anal fissures. It's a pretty big relief for me, because I couldnt stop thinking that I had butt cancer after I started seeing blood. The doctor gave my butt a quick check while we chatted and joked, then gave me a prescription for some stuff I can put on it. Wikipedia gave me a lot more useful info, though.

"Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Various causes of this fissure include:

* Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry (that doesnt sound like me)
* Severe and chronic constipation (nope)
* Severe and chronic diarrhea (This is the one I'm going with)
* Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis (maybe)
* Tight sphincter muscles (I'm trying to work out that area. I have a "Sphincter of Steel" dvd)
* Anal intercourse (almost never)
Many acute anal fissures will heal spontaneously. Some fissures become chronic and will not heal. The most common cause for this is spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle. This spasm causes poor blood flow to the anal mucosa, hence producing an ulcer which does not heal since it is deprived of normal blood supply.

(I'd be able to tell if this is happening, right? I'm pretty sure I'm not having internal rectal spasms)
Anal fissures are common in women after childbirth, and following constipation in infants.


(It then gives a lot of things you can do for infants, and then goes into ways to prevent it, most of which, I'm sorry, but arent likely to happen, like changing my diet. There are however, some more interesting preventatives...)

* Treating diarrhea promptly.(how do you do this? All my life, my only treatment is to wipe afterwards or take a shower... there's a treatment?)
* Avoiding straining or prolonged sitting on the toilet. (Well, then, make an easier crossword puzzle, Daily Herald!)
* Using a moist wipe instead of perfumed and harsh toilet paper. (I have been buying the Charmin instead of the Angel Soft and already I see a big difference. I dont want to use wipes, though. They dont flush well, and leave the whole area wet.)
* Keeping the anus dry and hygienic. (Well, which is it? Lube it up, or keep it dry and clean?)
* When using Analpram (cream) do not use the dispenser which can injure the area. Instead use a finger to insert a pea size amount of cream. (That sounds expensive. And I've been instructed to keep my finger outta there.)
* Carmex lip ointment (the version without sunscreen-protection chemicals) also helps and is much less expensive than Analpram ($70.00 small tube). (Chapstick is an even cheaper solution. Or maybe this lip gloss that I bought for Isabel's friend.)

Monday, February 04, 2008

Birthday Celebration

I woke up Saturday with some singing and breakfast in bed by the kids. They like doing that. That was nice. I couldnt sleep in anyway, because apparently I'm the favorite chorister of a kid in the ward (son of OrangeFace), so I had been asked to come to his baptism and lead music. I did, and it was worth it, because I got to see his mom, OrangeFace sing with her sister ScaryEyebrow. She had one eyebrow that would go up and down exactly in sync with the pitch she was trying to hit. Even the modulations were coordinated. It was a wonder.

I didnt need to go to the bathroom during the baptism (at least I didnt have to GET UP and go to the bathroom), because the day before I had received a package of Depends from a dear friend.

We then went to Azuka, the most delicious place to eat in Utah County. The kids were thrilled and amazed at the Flaming Onion Volcano. Oliver pretty much just enjoyed the ginger sauce.

In the evening, we made and ate eggrolls at my mom's. My sister gave me a chicken that poops candy.

Afterwards we went to "I Am Retarded" starring Will Smith. Do not go to this movie, especially if you have read the book.

Sunday we enjoyed the testimony of several, not including Bro. Gelatinous Photographer, who got up in a scottish red and black plaid bagpiper costume and told us that as he watched Hinckley's funeral, he noticed a bagpiper, and the spirit whispered that he should wear his outfit tomorrow to honor him in that way. Did you know that you can honor a spiritual leader if you wear a kilt to church? And you've probably heard of something prompting a cop to put a bulletproof vest on or something similar, but did you know that the spirit sometimes tells you to wear a ridiculous loud scottish costume?