Tuesday, November 12, 2013


I signed up at a t-shirt site so I could submit a good design. This one. Hopefully it will win me $500. 

They haven't responded to the design yet, nor is there a place to judge other people's designs, but in the week since, they've sent me no less than 5 emails telling me that this neat design "Tee Time" was available for $6. 

It's a design based on a movie quote, I guess, but it doesn't mean anything to me. 5 times advertising the same neat shirt seems a little excessive. So today I decided to unsubscribe from their emails. They then did what I enjoy most, which is an email saying I won't get any more emails. 

I responded:

They responded:

I responded:

I guess I'll keep posting any follow-up they send. My prediction is that it will be something from the info email, telling me to respond back to it with my inquiry. That should be fun. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Family Circus Improved With a Billy Madison Infusion

Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up? 

Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

You got a misshaped head. 

That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace.

I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a good game but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.


Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that f***ing dog.

If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.

I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch!

You had an accident? What's that supposed to mean - GOO!

Lady, you're scaring us!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Real-Life Horror Stories

LB Talks About LBL
A guy drives his father to the airport. He mentions a commercial he saw that was for a product that battled LBL. He admits he didn't know what it stood for, but then Googled it to discover it stood for Light Bladder Leakage. The father admits that he has that malady, but he would call it Light Bowel Leakage. Over the screams of the son, the father goes on to calmly explain that he is currently wearing a feminine pad.

Don't Answer The Phone
It's a dark, stormy night. A man is at home when the phone rings. He answers and hears insane cacklings. Through the laughter is a woman trying to speak. He finally gets her to calm down enough to get this chilling message: it's his sister, and she thought of a really dumb joke.

The House Across The Street
A dude that looks like a frog moves in across the street. His wife looks downtrodden and worldweary, and thusly is dubbed Downtrodden. Sometimes a man-boy of indiscriminate age leaves the house and mows the lawn, sporting the wispiest of moustaches.

The frogman walks his pug twice per hour. The dog is allowed to defecate freely on neighbor's lawns. Eventually, the neighborhood is transformed into an enormous swamp of pug leavings. A neighbor gives him a letter, which is basically an angry rant about his dog. Her rant sort of turns him on because it's the most attention he's ever gotten from a woman. He calls her to initiate a steamy affair, but she doesn't answer.

The Graveness of Gravity
A man goes to see Gravity with his wife. In the ticket line, he spots a woman he went to school with. Back when the man knew her, she was statuesque and beautiful as a brassiere model. She now was squat, portly, gray and pushing an elderly blob of human substance in a wheelchair. They chat, then walk into the theater.

After the show, he asks her how she liked the movie. "It was great at first, and then got really sad towards the end." she answers. He realizes this description applies to her.

The Haunted Driver
One cold and gloomy night a man was driving on a highway. That year he had totaled 2 cars from hitting road debris. He was very skittish about driving, especially on wet roads next to semis.

Suddenly the truck in front of him in the next lane over popped a wheel. Shrapnel flew everywhere. Something huge and black flew at his car. He swerved expertly around it, then slowed down to stop and check his car out.

There was no sign of any damage. But, no, the truth was far worse. He dropped to his knees and buried his face in his hands.

His father wore feminine pads.

Friday, September 06, 2013

I might be cute.

Feedback from a chinese customer on a frog I illustrated:

Flog has a good design. I guess if flog has a big, round belly, and a red protrude tongue. I might be cute.

Friday, August 23, 2013

8 Life Hacks You Must Know or You May As Well Be Dead

I like it when they call simple tips "hacks" because it's just like a programmer getting into an encrypted server, except it's not like that at all. So that's what's good about calling it that and not annoying. 
I made some new ones that have made my life 29% easier and about 15% less percentage-based.

1. When going over 40 mph it is more economical to have your windows up and AC on. Under 40 mph, it's better to have your eyebrows up and pants down. 
2. To relieve painful gas, lay on your back and life your left knee to your chest. Make sure you have your cell phone ready to record! To obtain painful gas, eat anything from Beto's. 
3. The waitstaff has nothing to do with how long the food takes to prepare, so don't punish them with poor tipping when the food is slow to arrive. Instead, place a fresh piece of your feces on the plate when you're finished with a note that says "Deliver to chef". They are legally obligated to eat it. 
4. Getting a call from Larry? Don't say anything, just press 9, it'll add your number to the "do not call" list.  Next time, it's jail time.

5. Mosquito bite? Press a HOT sword 2-3 inches into the bite. The heat will destroy the chemical that caused the reaction and the itching will stop.

6. If you eat enough blue crayons you can temporarily turn your skin a shade of light blue.

7. If your cat is disrupting your computer enjoyment, flip a box upside down and set it on its side. Boxes are like magnets to cats. Then close the box with strong tape and mail to:
Tianjin, Hexi District
No. 51 Weijin South Road
Cultural Center for Sport
Scott Kiwao

8. Keep a square of cardboard in a ziploc bag with you to protect small, important documents like checks from rain and keep them uncreased. Also, keep extra cardboard in your pants for when people see you doing that and hit you in the crotch. 

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Earl's Dream

You are in our Dreamrealm now. We control your surroundings. I am your guide.

This aint so bad
Too bad Timmy's not here to get this thing tuned right

I bet I could stand like this in real life if people would not judge
Maybe if I told them I had leg problems I could sit like this. In the dream land it doesn't hurt

Yep this place is pretty cool

Now I am placing you in the Dreampark of the Awkwardly Armed

What am I doing?!?

This feels so wrong! Make it stop!

You've endured enough. You may exit the Dreamscape of the Damned.

Crap on a cracker! The dreamcolors, they remain!

Friday, July 19, 2013

The man who believed a "wizard impostor"

I just read an online article about this man.

Say there. 
It's a good read, but the writer does something that bothers me. He keeps calling the guy that sold the spells a "wizard impostor" and a "fake sorcerer".

That's biased reporting. How does he know he's fake? Maybe he just didn't sell the correct spells to him, or the guy didn't do it right. Maybe they can call him "presumed wizard" or "a sorcerer that doesn't quality check his services often enough". Or they can go to the SOURCE and interview him before they call him a fraud. It could very well be that he gave him perfectly functional spells, and explained to the man carefully how to use them. Then the guy could have mispronounced them or wore them on his arm when they're supposed to go into the anus. We can't hold the wizard to blame for his client's misuse.

He should have just upgraded his hit points to Invulnerability or rolled a c24 for Advanced Stealth and done it at night.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Imagination Time

My name starts with Doctor,
and then Rosenberg
and this is my office
in downtown Pittsburgh
I've got to see patients
day in and day out
during seasons of swine flu
I wear a pig snout
Good morning, first patient!
I've just taken a glance
I see that you're healthy
and you've removed your sweatpants
Hey Doc, I just need you
to check out my wrist
it hurts when I do this
I should probably desist
Your x-rays show nothing
your wrist bones are great
And here are some pictures
of a sandwich I ate
Now lean forward a little
and give me a cough
I'll stare at this camera
and check these things off

Say doc, let me ask you
if you had your way
would you still be a doctor
and be here today?
Well, that's a good question
I'm glad that you asked
I've always imagined
creating podcasts
If that didnt work out
I'm sure that I'd make
a really good potter
you just shape it and bake
I'd make a good lawyer
handling lawsuits and libel
I'd also have fun
with you sharing a bible

I could be a lab tech
measuring gasses and vapor
I could even be happy
making cards out of paper
But back to reality
I'm just an old doc
that's weird that you asked that
but it feels good to talk