Monday, December 22, 2008

Neil



After eating a delicious dinner with Nanette, Sherri, and Joel's family on Saturday, I was invited to go to a Neil Diamond concert. I raised the following objections:
1) I would have to listen to Neil Diamond sing
2) I would be surrounded by people who paid money to go to a Neil Diamond concert.

Eventually, I was convinced that a free Neil Diamond concert was better than sitting around at home, so soon I found myself in the Energy Solutions Arena, looking down at the vast stage that held separate moving platforms filled with Neil, the Neilettes, the horn section, 2 percussion sections, a keyboardist, and a lone dude with a guitar, all by his lonesome on his own platform.

Many of my N-word cousins were in attendance. Nan, Nina, Norene, Neva, Novocain, Nomsbane, and Nelda. I hadn't seen Nelda in many years, so I kept yelling Hello to her. I don't think she recognized me.

During the song "You Don't Bring Me Cigarettes", The Neilster found himself in a solitary spotlight at a cafe table, with a rose and a plate of scrambled eggs. The dude at my 8:00 began singing hoarsely and crying. I wanted to pat him on the back and say "there, there" and then punch him in the crotch with all the strength I could muster.

After all is said and done, I would have to say that a free Neil was better than sitting at home. I went home and made a t-shirt, because I didn't want to spend $35.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Will Work For Food


Let's cleanse the palette mentally after that last post, shall we? Here's our youngest dictating a letter to Santa to our oldest:

Dear Santa, my name is Oliver. I have been a super cute and good boy. I want...
• a pony
• Noodles that I can eat
• Candy cane that I can eat
• a toy Jerry the Mouse
• Popsicle that I can eat
• String cheese that I can eat
• PB & J sandwich that I can eat too
• basketball
• pencil to play with
• cereal

I love you,
Oliver

Apparently, we don't feed him enough.

My favorite 6 minutes of 2007 was watching him enjoy the new mp3 player on Christmas morning. I havent seen him play with it since then, but his glee with a new musical toy that was TOTALLY ALL HIS OWN more than makes up for his occasional tantrums and moods. Hopefully, he'll be just as excited on his new pony.

We told him to draw himself on the letter, but he wanted to draw Santa. You can tell it's him, cause he's got a beard.
They say men think about sex once every seven seconds. That's not true, but ever since I saw the digital drumset at my friend Jason's house, I've thought about it about that much. Not sex with it, but playing it, caressing it, maybe a little smooching. He said he'd sell them to me for $300.

It's looking like I might be able to buy them. Ever since Mandi agreed, I've been doing this.

video

This video is courtesy of Scottie V.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Said are you ready to dance


I went to English Beat last night with Joel. It was a beautiful thing, but kind of bittersweet to see just one original member left of an awesome band that's been around for 30 years. Dave Wakeland was in top form. He still had his original guitar.

I danced hard, but did no damage to my heart.

Joel, for the first time ever, neglected to bring something to write the playlist down with, so I took notes on my phone. There were two I didnt recognize, but I guessed at the title. Here you go, Joel.

Whine and Grine/Stand Down Margaret
Hands Off Shes Mine
Twist and Crawl
Tears of a Clown
Doors
Ruff Rider
Two Swords
Cant Get Used To Losing You
I'll (something)
Kiss From a Stranger
I Confess
Tenderness
Ranking Full Stop
Mirror in the Bathroom
Click Click
Save (something)
End of the Party
Joyride

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Photoshop Re-Creations of Bad Pictures

It's time to put them all in one place. These were originally here at my wife's blog and were the result of my love of Photoshop and her love of making fun of strange pictures. We welcome any submissions.



































This is the most recent one, from the classic moment when Cuba's Angel Matos kicked a referee in the face. Mr. Matos was banned from the Olympics, but he'll always have a beautiful picture he can hang on his mantelpiece.

Monday, September 08, 2008

What The Heck is in Our Oxygen Supply?


I like it when people with no grasp of reality document their own stupidity. This video = every 911 conspiracy website.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Not a Paid Actor, Just a Paid Liar


Through a random series of events, I was able to make some quick easy cash on Tuesday. And I just had to spout adoring loyalty to something I hate more than most anything: an MLM business! For about a minute, I was filmed talking about how I gained financial independence through Synergy. Am I taking vacations now that before I could only dream about? Hells yeah!

The best part was at the end, when I finally got the lines right, I was then asked to add a "knowing smile" to the end of the sentence, letting the world know that it was my oyster and I was about to crap piles of benjamins on it. But my smile was too sexy. In take after take, I would say "...that before I could only DREAM about!" and give this half smile/sneer that was too bedroomy-simmering for an MLM audience to handle. Those that know me are aware that it's very difficult for me to tone down the sexy, but I think I finally got it.


Of course I'll be posting the video for all to enjoy once I can get my hands on it. In the meantime, you can enjoy a clip from a movie dealing with this very subject, so you can get an idea of how it went. You can see more clips here.

Friday, August 08, 2008

My Dad


I don't usually like to talk about my dad, but he really irritated me today.

He calls me today on my cell at my absolute busiest time of the day (the morning). I ignore it, because I'm busy, and plus, it's my dad.

He calls me at 3:30 in the afternoon, which is usually more calm, workwise, but today I had 11 hours of work scheduled, with 4 more projects I had to do before I left. SO again, I dont answer it. He calls immediately afterwards. I think "Shoot. Maybe it's an emergency or good news, like he's on fire". So I pick up.

The only thing he needed to say: "Can you scan in 2 documents for me and email them to me?"

What he really DID say: One(1) hour of bullcrap about email, technology, his wife, Xiana, his kid, his computer, the people he has talked to recently, and how he stayed at my 2nd cousin's house for 3 days. I actually had something to contribute to the conversation at that point, but years of experience have taught me that there's no way to get in a word edgewise once he gets talking. Even if you do manage to say something whilst having a "conversation" with him, you run the real risk of heading his train of thought down a another, even more tedious track.

You can see why we don't answer the phone when he calls.

Sometimes I just put the phone down and get some work done, sometimes picking up and saying "wow" and "you betcha" to give him the idea that someone is actually following his diatribe about the state of humankind.

Heaven smiled on me, because my cell battery conked out in the middle of an "uh-huh". I had retained the vital information which was that I should call him when I am ready for him to come over.

Well, come 6:00 while I was watching Mad Men, he shows up without calling, towing his wife and kid (it seems like they're perpetually stuck to him) and asks that I do his scanning for him. (Interesting sidenote: I said we'd have to scan his hard copy in to send it overseas, and he wondered aloud why it would help to read it through quickly. I got to educate him on what most people mean by "scan").

The one good thing was that after the scanning was done (20 minutes, as opposed to the 30 seconds it would have taken if I had been alone) I got to take him upstairs and show him how to play Rock Band.

Technology befuddles and awes him, so it was fun to watch his wondrous glances at his wife as he witnessed Isabel, Alex and Me rock the HOUSE on Dani California. We let Moshi (their kid) play, but since he's legally retarded thanks to their parenting, he didnt do too well.

People deal with weird parents all the time. I'm glad I wasn't raised by Joel's Dugald or some coked-out party girl, so I can't complain too much. I just need to remember to stop answering the phone when he calls. Laura, Dorth, if Dad dies or something, call me and let me know, ok?

It has finally arrived


Through years of extensive research and sweat, scientist have finally found something that is gayer than the book "Twilight"

Monday, August 04, 2008

What You Should Be Reading Instead of Twilight



If you're over 14, that is.

In Alan Moore's The Watchmen, the characters have moral dilemmas, not "OMG, I hope he's my b/f 4evr" issues, but gut-wrenching, soul-bending dilemmas that make you really question whether the characters are justified in their decisions. Holy crap, this is a good book. And it will be a movie in March.

If you can't get past the fact that it's a graphic novel, then go read Interview With The Vampire at least. Now there's a vampire novel.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

What the crap is this?


I'm having trouble identifying the type of bug that bit me when I was sleeping in a cabin on Friday night. Today it looks like this, and it burns a little. It doesnt feel itchy like a mosquito bite, but just achey and burning. When I find out what bug did it, they're getting a punch in the face.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Please, just leave it.


We had Comcast installed again, which means free movies. Tonight I watched The Gods Must Be Crazy again with the kids. This scene reminded me of my songleading in Primary. If I set something up, the odds are pretty good that it will be crashing down.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Need to steal $1000


I do freelance for a company called Vox in Provo. The other day I went in to find the place had been burgled. Well, "burgled" might be the wrong word, since he didn't touch my laptop, Homie collection, comic books or anyone else's valuables. All the guy had done was shoot his shotgun into the lock of the safe. He didn't get into it, though.

There's a poorly written article about it.

It's strange that the guy thought he wouldn't be caught. We all knew his temper, knew he had a shotgun, and knew he had some kind of stupid grudge against Vox. He was the first thought all of us had, and the detectives there said they couldn't possibly create a better profile of the perpetrator.

Anyway, I didn't deal with him a lot, I had some lunches with him, and joked around. He seemed like a nice enough guy to me. He was about to get married, but that's probably not going down now. I'm glad he didn't get too ambitious and take all my stuff.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Great Moments in NonPresidential Speeches



I'm so sick of the people posting "hilarious" Bush gaffes. Take any political figure and make sure you record literally everything he does. Now edit. It's extremely easy to make a huge list of goofs and idiotic things he said. It's really pissing me off. I just had to make my own version. In compiling this list, I discovered that the stuff Hillary and Obama are saying our seriously scary. But let's just keep this light-hearted and fun, shall we?

"In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. 10, 000 people died-an entire town destroyed."—Barack Obama, referring to a tornado that killed 12 people.

"Where is the g***** f***ing flag? I want the g****** f***ing flag up every F***ing morning at f***ing sunrise!" 
—Hillary Clinton


"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
— Vice President Al Gore


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
— Vice President Al Gore

"Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.”
—Barack Obama


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
— Vice President Al Gore

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it.'- Barack Obama

"We just can't trust the American people to make those types of choices...Government has to make those choices for people." —Hillary, discussing her s***fest of an expensive, spectacularly failed healthcare plan.

"Iran doesn’t pose a serious threat to us" —Barack Obama
“I’ve made it clear for years that the threat from Iran is grave.” —Barack Obama, the next day.

"You know, I'm going to start thanking the woman who cleans the restroom in the building I work in. I'm going to start thinking of her as a human being." —Hillary Clinton


Obama, speaking at a church for the anniversary of the 1965 "Bloody Sunday" in Selma, Ala., said his parents got together "because of what happened in Selma." Really? Obama was born in 1961.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Taggance

1. What was I doing 10 years ago
I was starting my job as an inhouse designer at Enrich/Unicity...living in that sweet trailer.

2. 5 things on my to do list
Fix toilet
Put oil in the van
Make a camp t-shirt for a friend
Illustrate another friend beating up an alien
Draw the kids (an annual tradition that's 2.5 years overdue)

3.What snacks do I enjoy?
Artichokes with Miracle Whip
Peanuts
Dr. Pepper

4. What would I do if I were suddenly a billionaire?
I'd still keep doing freelance design...just with a lot easier deadlines. I don't know. I like my house, neighborhood, clothes, etc. I'd do what Pamela did, I think. Pay off debt and spend it on family.

5. 3 bad habits
Openly flipping off people and objects at work
Procrastination
Killing hoboes

6. 6 places I lived
Orem
Buenos Aires
Ecuador
Alpine
Murray
Provo


7. 6 Jobs I've had
Mentally Disabled Caretaker/Genital Cleanser
Orem City Water Meter Reader
Night Auditor for Best Western
Hotel Booker for Holiday Inn
TJ Maxx salesman
Cutco Salesman

8. 5 things people don't know about me
I balance out my conservative side with a daily dosage of NPR
I was knocked out with a lead pipe on my mission whilst fighting a group of young toughs called Los Pistufos (The Smurfs)
Co-wrote/designed The Mormon Tabernacle Enquirer (in stores now!)
Got lost at the age of 5 in downtown San Francisco
Be-friended a handicapped girl at a beach at the age of 6, her mother gave our family Disneyland tickets.

I tag Leoj, Sherri, Nan, Mandoo and Adam.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Paul Illustrates A Dream


When people tell me their dreams, I have to fight the urge to punch them in the pants, because dreams are exciting to nobody. So, in an effort to make the world better, I'm taking something UNinteresting and putting it into an interesting format. And since it's fun, feel free to send me your dreams you want illustrated.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Yum.


My theory is she's a robot with a faulty faceplate cover. Mandi, we have our work cut out for us.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Why I Love Life, part two

Two years ago: I met an awesome man at Burger King. He was old, joke-filled and persistent. If you've forgotten who I'm talking about, then you can refresh your memory.

Present Day: I pull up to the post office with Maddie. A mexican kid starts in as soon as I open the door: "Hey mister! My grandpa wants you! Come here! In his car! He needs you! Hey, is that a steering wheel? Can I drive your car? Come on, he's over here!"

Repeat that last paragraph 10 times extremely fast. That's what this kid sounded like.

I have to wrench this kid out of my car. He takes me over to his grandpa, who is sitting in his car shaking terribly with oxygen tubes in his nose and swollen, purple ankles . It's Mister Joke Man. He asks if I know what happens if a duck flies upside-down.

"Of course! It quacks up! How are you? I bought your book! I have all your jokes!" I yell, pumping his hand. "Whassup my man?"

He seemed kind of out of it. It was a very sad portrait of a moneyless man that likes to inject the world with equal parts nervous laughter and awkward pauses. A guy that is supporting grandkids and a wife and can't get out of his car anymore to peddle his ramblings.

WWJD? He would ask for another joke book. He was out of them, so I did the second thing that Jesus would do and gave him five bucks. Am I a hero? Please. I just do what I can. Stop, really. I'm just a humble guy, making his way. Warning: If your comment calls me a hero, humanitarian, and/or Savior, it will get deleted. So just watch yourself.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Ensenada, part �?tyři

I think I can sum up the enjoyment of the trip with this video clip.
video

Ensenada, part drei

See this mermaid? The day before, it was here in front of this mermaid, that the competition for the Sexiest Legs occurred. Those of you that have seen my legs can guess who the winner was. I got a medal, a Royal Caribbean hat, and frequent recognition and kudos throughout the rest of the cruise. Unfortunately, the camera was not functioning during the competition, so my erotic dance number was only captured in the hearts and minds of all those present.

A seagull pooped on my shoulder. It was a two-part poop, the first part falling on Kelly's chair. You can see it in the background.







Sometimes when we entered our stateroom, we found that the attendant had folded our towels into animals. I think I can do that. I've already taught myself how to make a dead cat that's been run over by a semi.





Even though the trip was pretty fun, I was overjoyed to see my kids again.

Ensenada, Part Deux

Because the owner was nice enough to guard our cart while we shopped, we ate at a nice little outdoor place. Vendors of name-etched rice, bracelets, and shoeshines swarmed us like mexican bees. I purchased 2 songs from a gentleman who gradually moved closer and closer until he was actually playing from inside my ear.



Inspired by the man's talent, I went and purchased a guitar for Oliver, and I practiced it with some other musicians, both living and non.
























The drinks on this cruise were fanciful and umbrella-ridden.

How was Ensenada, you ask


This is us on the plane. It worked out very smoothly, because the couple we were going with arrived by car right when we landed.







After getting settled in our closet/room, we had a lifeboat training that was both mandatory and educational. I learned that there was only enought lifeboats for 500 of the 2500 of us passengers. In the event of a sinking, they follow the procedures we learned in Titanic and enter in the lifeboats in order of wealth. At our income level, we were told to just relax in our bed and try to take deep gulps of water to get it over quicker.











I don't know what worry dolls are, but this store was awesome. It had every kind of skeletal figurine imaginable.







Losers take expensive excursions to see Labufadora and other sites. Awesome-heads like us just rent a golf cart and do their own excursioning.