Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Family Circus Improved With a Billy Madison Infusion

Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up? 

Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.

You got a misshaped head. 

That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ace.

I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a good game but I think Donkey Kong is the best game ever.


Whoa whoa whoa, Miss Lippy. The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for Happy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog gets lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that f***ing dog.

If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.

I'll tell you who it was, it was that damned Sasquatch!

You had an accident? What's that supposed to mean - GOO!

Lady, you're scaring us!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Real-Life Horror Stories

LB Talks About LBL
A guy drives his father to the airport. He mentions a commercial he saw that was for a product that battled LBL. He admits he didn't know what it stood for, but then Googled it to discover it stood for Light Bladder Leakage. The father admits that he has that malady, but he would call it Light Bowel Leakage. Over the screams of the son, the father goes on to calmly explain that he is currently wearing a feminine pad.

Don't Answer The Phone
It's a dark, stormy night. A man is at home when the phone rings. He answers and hears insane cacklings. Through the laughter is a woman trying to speak. He finally gets her to calm down enough to get this chilling message: it's his sister, and she thought of a really dumb joke.

The House Across The Street
A dude that looks like a frog moves in across the street. His wife looks downtrodden and worldweary, and thusly is dubbed Downtrodden. Sometimes a man-boy of indiscriminate age leaves the house and mows the lawn, sporting the wispiest of moustaches.

The frogman walks his pug twice per hour. The dog is allowed to defecate freely on neighbor's lawns. Eventually, the neighborhood is transformed into an enormous swamp of pug leavings. A neighbor gives him a letter, which is basically an angry rant about his dog. Her rant sort of turns him on because it's the most attention he's ever gotten from a woman. He calls her to initiate a steamy affair, but she doesn't answer.

The Graveness of Gravity
A man goes to see Gravity with his wife. In the ticket line, he spots a woman he went to school with. Back when the man knew her, she was statuesque and beautiful as a brassiere model. She now was squat, portly, gray and pushing an elderly blob of human substance in a wheelchair. They chat, then walk into the theater.

After the show, he asks her how she liked the movie. "It was great at first, and then got really sad towards the end." she answers. He realizes this description applies to her.

The Haunted Driver
One cold and gloomy night a man was driving on a highway. That year he had totaled 2 cars from hitting road debris. He was very skittish about driving, especially on wet roads next to semis.

Suddenly the truck in front of him in the next lane over popped a wheel. Shrapnel flew everywhere. Something huge and black flew at his car. He swerved expertly around it, then slowed down to stop and check his car out.

There was no sign of any damage. But, no, the truth was far worse. He dropped to his knees and buried his face in his hands.

His father wore feminine pads.