Friday, January 30, 2009

Two morals: Get to Church on Time, and PG-13 Means PG-13

I stayed up late Saturday night watching "Man On Wire". Its a documentary about a french dude that walked on a wire between the World Trade Center North and South Towers. It was awesome. What was the best was that he did it 8 times. After walking across once, I would be able to say, ok, I've had my fill of walking 250 feet on a wire that's a 17 miles up. But he needed to do it 7 more times until the police threatened to pull him off with a helicopter (which would have been awesome to see). I wanted the kids to watch with us, so they could learn to follow their dreams and aim high and all that crap, but Mandi said NO because it was rated PG-13. The whole time I'm like, its just rated that because they dont want kids to do this, and its tense and scary sometimes. It's a documentary, what are they gonna do?

So finally she relents and the kids come in to watch. Then comes the part when he had just come down from the towers and he's all famous and the police let him go and he goes and immediately has intercourse with some chick, cameras rolling. The scene snuck up very quickly and stealthily, and it's full frontal, so I scramble for the remote and Mandi sends the kids out all panicky.

To paraphrase Patrick Stewart; "By that time, we've seen everything".

Oops. So now the kids think we're into watching that kind of thing, and that we do it all the time.

So Sunday morning i woke up really groggy and out of it. As usual we get to church at about 9:10, and I have this feeling in the back of my head that I've forgotten something major. "It'll come to me" I think, barely listening to the talks. Then the talk ends and I see the choir all congregate up there on the stand. For a split second I think "Oh good, the choir's going to sing" but then I realize that I'm supposed to be UP THERE WITH THE MUSIC TO PASS OUT AND I DONT HAVE THE MUSIC AND I'M THE CHOIR DIRECTOR so I run up there and say "hey dudes, I forgot. I'm gonna run home and get the music" (which noone hears) and I tell the bishop to just have the last speaker go and we'd do the song at the end. I stand up in the front of the choir, raise my hands, then slowly do the "sitdown" signal that we all know and love from Primary. I run outta there and drive home real fast.

Remember the weather on Sunday? Perfect for driving home fast in. I missed 4 stops because I skidded past them.

Turns out, the bishop didnt hear me either, so he awkwardly had the congregation sing a hymn from the book. I get back and sit down, and the last speaker is vamping, waiting until he sees me. He doesn't see me, so I wave my hands up in the air. So I get up there to the mike and say "I apologize...did you ever have one of those days?..". and everyone chuckles and I turn
around and we do the MOST OFF THE HOOK RENDITION OF QUEEN'S "DON'T STOP ME NOW" that any choir has ever sung.

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Lady is a Year Older

How can I describe your crosswords?
My pen burns with passion
My eyes ache, hands tremble
filling in the spaces you could not accomplish.

She has updated the blog.
The anticipation is over.
And I get the full "making of mandi's blog post"
like dvd extras of an excellent movie

The phone rings, and I answer,
Eagerness washes me, but quickly
I am repentant.
I have forgotten the house rules of not answering.

Together, we laugh at a picture
and my heart soars in readiness
for soon we will create a costume
and photoshop the likeness with tears of joy

You rein me in and whip my weathered hide
"The kids cannot watch this PG-13" you cry
I argue, I fight, your resolve weakens and the the children enter
Right when the graphic sex scene begins

Her eyes, shining, bedroomy, loving
Her sculpted lips, full of excitement
Her smile, telling me
That her birthday wishes are nothing,
but tending Oliver so that she might clean or do some aerobics.

I respond in wonder
for my wishlist is long and impossible
but you correctly and reasonably respond
that we are broke, as is always the case.

But...I find a coupon for Los Hermanos....

The passion is ablaze in the two of us.
Holding her tight I kiss those
Amazing and not yet aged lips.
What a woman,
My wife!

Monday, January 19, 2009

It was really, a chance to...go out n make memories with my kids

You may recall my previous post about getting a crisp hundie for taping an ad for an MLM. Well, I finally got the dvd.

Questions you might be asking yourself upon watching this video:

1: How gay can one man be? Can gayness be more than 100%, in essence bringing him around to the other side of the sexuality gamut, or perhaps entering a new universe of gay?

2: How sincere is the little "financial independence" nod?

3: Where do I sign up for Synergy?

I don't have the answers. Those await you once you enter the Synergy™ experience.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Good News for Watchers of Watchmen

Well, it looks like I won't have to go punch Rupert Murdoch in the crotch. He and his Fox cronies have finally settled with Warner Bros. over the rights to the Watchmen. This means I will be able to get the movie into my eyes in March like I've been planning on.

Q: What's the big deal?
A: It's Watchmen, the most well-conceived and executed graphic novel ever made. The complex beautiful brain-child of Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. And it's Zack Snyder, director of 300. A perfect storm of awesomeness.

Q: Shouldn't people just leave awesome books alone, and not try to make movies out of them?
A: That's like saying leave sugar, milk and flour alone, and not make dulce de leche churros out of them. I'm finally going to be able to watch Dr. Manhattan build his Mars Fortress of Solitude, and the prison breakout of Rorschach on a huge screen with full Dolby Digital sound. As long as a director appreciates the material, I have no problem with them making it into moving pictures. That caveat is important, otherwise you get Joel Schumacher's Batman Forever, which was 2 stiff birds in the face of ever Batman enthusiast in the world.

Q: Should Zack Snyder make all the Frank Miller Sin CIty books into movies then?
A: Can I make this chair smell?