Friday, April 19, 2013

My Twins and Why They Rule

Today is the 13th birthday of Alex and Isabel, who are the best couple of kids a dude could ask for. 

Here they are as  babies. Sometimes they would sleep. 
Here they are as chubs. I don't know why I can't find a color picture of this. Alex has a big round head like me, and Izzy looks more like Mandoo. 
They were such cute babies, we were worried that they would grow up and be not-cute kids, as is so often the case. Luckily they retained their looks. 
Look at them. They're precious. THey like to play together and fight each other and pose for pictures together. 
Here they are eating food and smiling.

Alex is a gamer. Once he beat me at a video game that he was playing while he vacuumed.

They like to smile and laugh and take care of their little brother. 

Here's Isabel being a music stand. Now she plays the violin, and uses a music stand for a music stand. 

Happy birthday, chickens! You make me happy as the summer's wind!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Natchah vewsus Nuhchuh

I used to not be able to say my S's in elementary school. Nor my R's and Z's. My mom got sick of me asking for popthicles, so he made go to a speech therapist during class to practice saying "Sally the Slippery Snake Slid Down the Waterslide" and if I did good, I would get thtickos.

The therapists name was Mrs. Sauter. I couldn't say her name. She looked like this, except without the thunglatheth.

How come the twins inherited that, but not Maddie or Oliver? That's weird. What causes speech impediments? You can ask Yahoo answers, and get answers that range from slightly helpful:

to the toxically retarded:

But I'd rather just do my own research on the web, and now I'm feeling overly qualified. I've come up with the following guide that is the ultimate resource for anyone needing to know how to cure their child of a speech disorder. Welcome, Google searchers! You're in the right place.

4 Guaranteed Ways To Cure Your Child's Speech Impediment

1. Be sure to give them plenty of fluid

Did you know that for every mis-said S, 2 ounces of saliva are expelled? It's probably true. Then the next time they go to say something, they come up dry, and get frustrated and start to cry, and lose MORE fluids. Be sure your child stays hydrated and moist. Hopefully you have a faucet or local water delivery. Make sure they swim with their mouths open, and apply a damp rag to their mouth at night, so the unconscious breathing doesn't create a moisture deficit.

2. Keep Them Awake at Night

According to doctors and Dr. Drew's comments section, getting 8-10 hours of sleep every night is important. What they DON'T tell you is that it's a great way to cope with speech problems. It IS a good way for people to get killed by prowlers, enemy combatants, and night-spiders. So, think about that!

3. Get a Way-Hot Tat

Don't just get angel wings. Go for a detailed portrait of someone famous you kind of like. Or maybe a big long, nasty phrase.

4. PB&J sandwiches with Dulce de Leche

Some might scoff and say that a PB&J (grape jelly) has no business being served with a spanish dessert topping. Well, the medical establishment has a different view on that and this will not only supply the child's caloric needs but it's convenient and economical. Turns out Dulce de Leche near its expiration is extremely cheap and recalled peanut butter tastes just like normal peanut butter.

Oh, don't act like your kid deserves better. They're bad kids, and you're a bad parent, or close enough. You should have been practicing with him before he started talking and not tried to make his first word be "Batman". Yes, it was the first word out of his mouth. Now you have to pay the Piper.

Served with oven-thawed French fry curls and "Mandarin" orange slices.

If you are an internet browser and came looking for knowledge and are now wondering about the "Guaranteed" claim, please email my legal department.

Now here's a video of the kids displaying their diversity of speech.

Wikipedia has some cool speech problem examples, like Dysprosody. I think I would like to have that disorder.

Have you ever known someone with a speech problem? Have you ever had trouble focussing on work, so you decided to make a lengthy blog post about nothing?

Thursday, April 11, 2013

As long as we're looking at old pics

That is a sweet ride. And a sweet moment between two lovers. That's my mom and dad going off to consummate.

On the left, that's Susan, my mom's best friend. She has large dogs.

There's my mom, looking chinese. I think my dad liked that.

There's my dad, all bright-eyed and hopeful,looking out to a whole new future of creating kids and earning useless degrees. He looks like someone on Mad Men. I want to whisper in his ear "don't go to China ever again, focus your love of that ancient land into holding down a job".

That's his mom next to him. She's all begloved and ready to go.

That disapproving man looking on from the porch was my grandpa, who I can't remember. From all reports, he was a stern disciplinarian, but I think he was a jock, because he was in the military and he used cool pens to make maps. I inherited those pens.

That house was a not fun place to visit.

2 People I Love

These are my grandparents. They died a while back. Their names are Cleo and Norma Browning.

It's hard to express how much I miss them. We would visit them whenever we went to St. George, and they would visit us often. I love them more than a lot. I never heard one negative thing out of their faces, even to each other. I wish I was more like them.

Once when I was little, Grandpa played billiards (a kid's version, with red and green colors instead of stripes) and he would lose badly. Later I was told he couldn't tell the difference between them, because he has always been colorblind.

Look at them! Could they be more loving and perfect? Since it's hard for me to picture God, I often think of them, wherever they are, watching my actions. I try to make them proud, but sometimes I forget.