Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Natchah vewsus Nuhchuh

I used to not be able to say my S's in elementary school. Nor my R's and Z's. My mom got sick of me asking for popthicles, so he made go to a speech therapist during class to practice saying "Sally the Slippery Snake Slid Down the Waterslide" and if I did good, I would get thtickos.

The therapists name was Mrs. Sauter. I couldn't say her name. She looked like this, except without the thunglatheth.

How come the twins inherited that, but not Maddie or Oliver? That's weird. What causes speech impediments? You can ask Yahoo answers, and get answers that range from slightly helpful:

to the toxically retarded:

But I'd rather just do my own research on the web, and now I'm feeling overly qualified. I've come up with the following guide that is the ultimate resource for anyone needing to know how to cure their child of a speech disorder. Welcome, Google searchers! You're in the right place.

4 Guaranteed Ways To Cure Your Child's Speech Impediment

1. Be sure to give them plenty of fluid

Did you know that for every mis-said S, 2 ounces of saliva are expelled? It's probably true. Then the next time they go to say something, they come up dry, and get frustrated and start to cry, and lose MORE fluids. Be sure your child stays hydrated and moist. Hopefully you have a faucet or local water delivery. Make sure they swim with their mouths open, and apply a damp rag to their mouth at night, so the unconscious breathing doesn't create a moisture deficit.

2. Keep Them Awake at Night

According to doctors and Dr. Drew's comments section, getting 8-10 hours of sleep every night is important. What they DON'T tell you is that it's a great way to cope with speech problems. It IS a good way for people to get killed by prowlers, enemy combatants, and night-spiders. So, think about that!

3. Get a Way-Hot Tat

Don't just get angel wings. Go for a detailed portrait of someone famous you kind of like. Or maybe a big long, nasty phrase.

4. PB&J sandwiches with Dulce de Leche

Some might scoff and say that a PB&J (grape jelly) has no business being served with a spanish dessert topping. Well, the medical establishment has a different view on that and this will not only supply the child's caloric needs but it's convenient and economical. Turns out Dulce de Leche near its expiration is extremely cheap and recalled peanut butter tastes just like normal peanut butter.

Oh, don't act like your kid deserves better. They're bad kids, and you're a bad parent, or close enough. You should have been practicing with him before he started talking and not tried to make his first word be "Batman". Yes, it was the first word out of his mouth. Now you have to pay the Piper.

Served with oven-thawed French fry curls and "Mandarin" orange slices.

If you are an internet browser and came looking for knowledge and are now wondering about the "Guaranteed" claim, please email my legal department.

Now here's a video of the kids displaying their diversity of speech.

Wikipedia has some cool speech problem examples, like Dysprosody. I think I would like to have that disorder.

Have you ever known someone with a speech problem? Have you ever had trouble focussing on work, so you decided to make a lengthy blog post about nothing?


Joel said...
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Joel said...

I was hoping the Wikipedia article would have an audio sample demonstrating the disorder but then it gave the speech of G-Man from the game Half-Life as an example. Here is a YouTube video (SPOILERS if you plan on playing Half-Life 2 and haven't yet) of G-Man speaking:

It's difficult to believe that PB&J is very effective against speech disorders, but hey... if you say it THEN I believe it.

Joel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Montgomery Q said...


Joel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.