Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Fantastic Clients That Are Smart and Know What's Up

Simple like Apple

I like clean lines and simple designs (such as Google, LEGO, Apple). Possible ideas: - treasure chest depicted which is overflowing with LEGO bricks and has the company name written on the front of the chest. - a small island with a single palm tree and a tattered pirate flag stuck into the ground next to a treasure chest with the company name on the flag. Should be able to be recognized in small format, so nothing too detailed.

Enhance the Y Axis

"On CSI they could blow up and enhance a security camera clip, so I need you to do that to our team picture you can find on our website and make a kit cover."

No Cleanup Necessary

"We are not paying you to make a clean vectorized version of the logo since we sent you a nice image earlier. (the image is a cell phone pic of an embroidered logo)

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Your Horoscope

You are in danger of falling into a large hole, If you see a large hole, don't go near it!

p.s. You are going to be tricked into falling down the hole.

A YouTube comment will be the final straw and you will have no choice but to hunt down the person and give them a personal face-to-face thumbs-up.

You will create something...unnatural. This will be a grotesque hybrid of some kind or a wheelbarrow with over 20 wheels. You're in over your head.

Good grief but you have a lot of jars of urine. Your basement is more urine than basement, but it will not be useful to you or some kind of future scientist.

You should buy at least two baby coffins just to be on the safe side. 

Too much Nyquil will find you dizzy and disoriented in your car at the Wal-mart parking lot, contemplating your life and your secret, farty smell.

You will be paged at Shopko to come pick up your wig at the Customer Service counter and they WILL pronounce your name "CatBoner".

You will start to exhibit the symptoms of Light Bladder Leakage and you should see a doctor before it's too late. Hurry. Strong, tight-urethra'd hunks are lining up and your woman is looking them over. 

Mostly moustaches manifest this month.

This is what I see in your future: you bowing and soaking up applause as game show host blood pools at your feet. "Thank you" you say.

I strongly recommend you take a substantial break in between the first and second dvd of the Beto's training program. It can be quite an emotional experience like Schindler's List or Before Sunset.

You develop a seemingly telepathic link that allows fat people to know what other fat people are thinking.

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Embracing my Goodnesses

Once a night I bathe myself and evaluate my looks carefully.

My thick back hair has surpassed the acceptable limit. It is probably against the law the amount of hair per square inch my back beards have. Possible against God's law. My masseuse uses roughly 2 liters of oil in order to fully lubricate me as she rubs.

When I'm at 7 Peaks Waterpark and Elderly Man Drinking Fountain, people stop and point and discuss the things that are caught in my back hair. Airborne trash like napkins and cup lids have been known to become ensnared. My front hair is a wilderness that has taken over my shoulders and arms. If I spill a piece of peanut butter cookie onto my chin, I can find it later beneath my belly button.

My fingers and toes appear elongated. They are delicate. People ask me of I can heal them like E.T. and I angrily poke them in the eye from across the room. In high school I was voted Least Likely to Own Well-Fitted Gloves.

My arms are exactly 2 inches longer than any XL men's button down can accommodate.

If my teeth were removed and replaced with kernels of corn while I was sleeping, I wouldn't notice for 3 weeks at least. They would probably get away with it, but where's the profit in that crime?

My shoulder skin is bespeckled and mottled like a potato. My entire torso is potato-like, in fact. A potato skin filled with meat. I've come to terms with the potato meat torso. My nipples are weird, long sons of bitches, but the areolas are satisfyingly small. Someday. I hope to make my belly less prominent.

My head is slightly more than double the size that it should be. It is similar to the yet unmade bobble-headed version of me, but with more neck meat. I used to be self-conscious about it as I walked down the junior high halls. Now I'm cool with it.

The key was understanding that some people are way too short, or have no head at all. People compliment me on my eyelashes and hair retention, so I remember those good things and feel nice.