Your Horoscope

Aries
You are in danger of falling into a large hole, If you see a large hole, don't go near it!

p.s. You are going to be tricked into falling down the hole.

Taurus
A YouTube comment will be the final straw and you will have no choice but to hunt down the person and give them a personal face-to-face thumbs-up.

Gemini
You will create something...unnatural. This will be a grotesque hybrid of some kind or a wheelbarrow with over 20 wheels. You're in over your head.

Cancer
Good grief but you have a lot of jars of urine. Your basement is more urine than basement, but it will not be useful to you or some kind of future scientist.

Leo
You should buy at least two baby coffins just to be on the safe side. 

Virgo
Too much Nyquil will find you dizzy and disoriented in your car at the Wal-mart parking lot, contemplating your life and your secret, farty smell.

Libra
You will be paged at Shopko to come pick up your wig at the Customer Service counter and they WILL pronounce your name "CatBoner".

Scorpio
You will start to exhibit the symptoms of Light Bladder Leakage and you should see a doctor before it's too late. Hurry. Strong, tight-urethra'd hunks are lining up and your woman is looking them over. 

Sagitarrius
Mostly moustaches manifest this month.

Capricorn
This is what I see in your future: you bowing and soaking up applause as game show host blood pools at your feet. "Thank you" you say.

Aquarius
I strongly recommend you take a substantial break in between the first and second dvd of the Beto's training program. It can be quite an emotional experience like Schindler's List or Before Sunset.

Pisces
You develop a seemingly telepathic link that allows fat people to know what other fat people are thinking.