Monday, December 05, 2005

Review of Harry Potter-The Gobbler of Feces

It isn't too hard to make a Harry Potter movie now. It looks like all a director has to do is go on the same sets they've used in the past 3 or 4 movies, set up the cameras and have the actors say their lines. Then go into the computer and add dragons and floating candles. They've got those on their hard drive from the other movies, though, so it should take about 3 hours to make the entire movie.

Then the audience will come, since JK Rowling has ensured that this story will never end, and will not give them resolution to ANY plotline. Are Hermione and Harry going to make love? Is Harry going to conquer Lord Valdimore? Will Harry be involved in another tournament-type-deal where he kicks everyone's ass unexpectedly and has no idea what he did to kick the asses?

Rowling has built a solid formula with her books that worked well enough for the first movie, but has grown really tiresome with the rest of them. Rip off every interesting idea from every fantasy fiction you've read, mix it together, and leave the conclusion for the next book. The fans can be appeased with the numerous plotholes by adding the concept of Magic That Cannot Be Explained. And said magic can be brought on with a wand and saying some latin-sounding phrase. For example, if you want to hit your opponent in the crotch with a sack of doorknobs, you point the stick and say "testiculus doorknobium!" and it will happen.

But for those of us that are NOT fans of the book, it needs to be explained WHY Harry is so talented. WHY he needs to go to an academy where evidently he's in great peril everytime he goes, and he clearly outshines every single student and professor. WHY he doesnt insert his wand into Ron's neck and draw it quickly down into his pubic bone and let every organ fall out into a steaming pile on the floor. Side note: seriously, what's the deal with Ron? Is there friendship based on the fact that Ron lets Harry crash at his house? Is there any other reason in the books or movie that he isnt killed by every person that comes in contact with him?

I'll give an example of one scene, where the newly resurrected English Patient is threatening to finally kill Harry. They have a wand-pointing-magic battle. They stand there with competing rays of Magic struggling against each other...and then Harry talks to some ghosts and runs away and touches a magic trophy teleporter and gets away.

These two do not return to battle. We dont even see English Patient saying, "well, I'll do this next time" or "I'll get him". We're just left with two opponents that may or may not do battle again in the future. It would be like having a King Kong movie where the T-Rex and Kong hold each other's necks for a while, then run away into the jungle, and Kong talks to his trainer, Burgess Meredith, and he says, "you put up a good fight, kid, let's go eat some bananas" and they never fight again. This is not how a movie works! Will somebody please kick somebody's ass?!?!

The film is three hours, and every reviewer will tell you that it is the "darkest". Yes, it's dark, but for no reason. Spoiler: some dumbass kid that we don't care about and has three lines gets killed. It's as if Rowling is desperately trying to get out of a rut, but goes in the wrong direction, replacing imagination with death and gloom. She can't decide who her audience is anymore, so the result is a movie that is too scary for kids, and too retarded for adults. The wise wizard principal-dude says to Harry "the time will soon come to decide between what is easy, and what is the right thing to do". The easy thing for every fan of the books to do is deciding to watch this movie. That doesnt make it right.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

My Plans for World Domination

Since noone reads this blog but trusted friends and lovers, I can finally disclose the scheme I have been developing to make the world a better place. With all the required elements in place, I am ready to begin.

Twenty-seven years from now, the world will be a place so different from the current norm that the very thought of what is now our present existence will make you physically ill. Where there is now toil and misery, there will be new luxuries and technologies, new trends and tastes, and a completely new world power - PaulBrowning.

Maybe that's not correct to say it in that way. Not A world power. What I meant by that was that I would be THE world power. I will stand uncontested and unquestioned as the head of the Globular Commonwealth of Humans, and whatever I deem law is law - whatever I deem illegal or punishable is punished and corrected. Of course, such utter domination does not come easily. I have a complex plan, beginning with the graduation of Oliver, my son, from high school, that will faultlessly lead me to supreme world power.

You see, I've already begun preparing for my life of conquest and rule. Of course I've been spending a lot of time ordering people around in my household so I'll be ready when I get to the top, but I've also been preparing for my rise to power. For eleven years now, I've been working long hours at countless schmoe jobs, and stashing every spare penny I can sneak from the wife in the bank. I have learned of people's foibles and wishes from scrubbing their undersides at a facility for the mentally handicapped. I have taken their orders and money in the dead of night at Sconecutter. I have monitored their water resources and taught their children. I know the human heart and mind inside and out.

Once my youngest son enters college, I will have my name legally changed to Mike Ball, which also happens to be the name of a well established SCUBA diver and marine expeditionist. My next move will be to contact every large corporation and billionaire in America under my new diver persona, and pitch to them an expedition which I will head to find a sunken ship the was sunken by a storm =while transporting billions in gold ingots. "This expedition will require substantial funding," I will explain and I have not the means to fund it. After promising more than a full return to every ont of the get-rich-quick schemer who hands over a check, I will buy a compound in Somalia and purchase a large amount of arms and hire as many local militia groups as possible from the surrounding countries.

Part II of the plan will follow in 2 days. Make your plans accordingly....

Monday, October 24, 2005

Review of Transporter 2

"Senseless, silly movie" was the thought I had after Thursday night's viewing wth Adam. The action was all I had hoped for, with some interesting character development of Jason Statham's Frank Martin. But nothing of value for my everyday life.

Or so I thought.

The next morning, a red glimmer in the puddles made me notice the reflection of a small black box with a flashing red timer firmly attached to the undercarriage of my 96 Corolla. Having neither a crowbar nor the time to figure it out and disable it, I zoomed away, looking for just the right setup. I thought I might try the same trick I had seen the previous night, which was risky, but the benefits would greatly outweigh the possible consequences.

Locating a ramp, I sped up and launched the left side of my car up the ramp, causing the car to simultaneously jump and begin a slow spin. A convenient crane with a hook was there to pull the bomb from the car just as I passed under it. The removal caused the bomb to detonate, but by that time, my car had twisted around again, and I was driving away, laughing into my rearview mirror.

Once at work, I walked into the back door, hoping to use the stairs. A burly man greeted me with a gun in my face. Looking around, I saw the situation was hopeless. 6 other armed men were ready to blow me away. "What would Jason do?" I thought.

"Slap" went my hand against the closest man's wrist. "Shatter" went the glass covering the firehose. "Clang" into the jawbones and testicles went the firehose end, whirling around and turning bones to jelly.

Trailing profanities, two different guys went running up the stairs, but I lassoed them with the firehose end. I also remembered to twist the hose around the body of each guy I beat up. One guy I even pulled up to the rafters. All six were now wrapped up and immobile. My hose proved to fast for their semiautomatics.

Then I turned it on.

So, you can see that if I had not seen this wonderful film, I woulda been one blowed up and bulleted sumbitch.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Ode to Junko

With love and affection
You showed me the connection
between Oranges and Graphic Design.

With a crash your marriage broke
Maybe because you let me stroke
the silky black hair on the top of your fingers.

O Junko, I bady mangled your name
when to Unicity I first came.
And now I consider you a true and valued friend.

Sugar Beet is Down.

Looks like somebody didnt pay their bills, cause the site has been down for a while now. You can still find the tasty goodness of the Beet in Google's archives here: and then to see the past issues, just click on the Archives part in the top right. And then to go back you click back. And then to print, you go File>Print. I try to be helpful where I can.

The last issue #31 was printed this week, and it's sad to be done. Now the work on the book starts, and luckily we have a little funds to get it published.

Current Lovers

Lover #1: I found a place here in Orem that sells Facturas. These are little pastries tthat they put various things on like powdered sugar, dulce de leche, yellow pudding, etc. I lived on them when I was in Buenos Aires, and didnt know I could find them here WITHIN 10 MINUTES OF MY HOUSE! They're the perfect thing for putting into my mouth and chewing and swallowing, so I go there about once daily to get a dozen. Let's do some math.

350 calories=1 factura
12 facturas-daily consumption rate

12*350=2 inches of belly growth/day.

Lover #2: Common Cents. This gas station here by my work. They say good morning to me, and...well, that's about the only reason to love it. It has the same quality of goods and services as the other 12 gas stations around here, but they always say good morning as I walk in. So I go there, and love them.

Lover #3: Leslie Cabarga's book on Color Combinations. I still havent figured out how to put a link into the text of my blog, so here it is:

Lover #4: Frank Miller's Sin City books. I just finished "Hell and Back" and the artwork is amazing. A graphic novel can be done so cheesiily, but when it's done right, it's glorious. The section where the main character is hallucinating, and it goes to colors and strange, funky images will make you crap your pants in delight. So plan ahead.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Back to the Mac

Today I finally switched back to my true love. After almost 2 years working for 8 hours on a Windows machine, I finally switched back to good old Apple's most kick-A product, the iMac. It's one of those new G5s with the huge wide screen, and it's all contained in this sleek thin monitor.

I've been using a g4 at home, and I love it, so now it's nice to be on a mac all day, with the iTunes radio playing the ambient beats and the desktop breathing easy with all the extra space.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Grab an MQ tee for the wife

Now you can create and buy your own t-shirt, hoodie, or any other apparel item of your choice with authentic MontgomeryQ artwork! Browse through thousands, or at least several unique and beautiful images. Whether youre a rock god, a gorilla enthusast, or just a baseball coach needing a quick way to reward little Carson for last night's shutout, you're sure to find something to fit the bill. Just click on "Grab an MQ tee" and browse the living crap out of the selection.

Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Hey, can I make a t-shirt that has those rings around the collar and sleeves?
A: Can I make a shoe smell?

Q: That deejay one is awesome! When I wear it, people will think I am a deejay and have fine taste in music.
A: I know that they will.

Q: Why such a hodge-podge of different illustration styles? Why dont you adopt one art style and stick with it?
A: Why don't you stick it?

Friday, July 22, 2005

A Mighty Warrior

He has grown brawny and muscular from filling his belly with enormous plates of spiced meats and tankards of mead. For proof, look no further than these pictures three.

Soon he will hunt the Kodiak with his warrior father.

I'm picking out a thermos for you

I went and rented the Jerk last night. Steve Martin was never better. Favorite line "Check away, Navin R. Johnson!" Mandi and I used to watch that a lot when we were dating.

Moab was fun. Although I suspect a few of the stores are there to just make a profit, and not just provide food and goods to the public and enjoy the Moab scenery. The hotel (ramada) was only $50 though! Cause we made the reservations 4 months ago. The kids went on an easy river trip all day, and I went on a hardcore one all day. They were all day, did I mention that? I was with all my bros, and sisters, except for the Chinese one.

Theres only 2 sets of bald eagles in Utah, and I saw 2 of them. They might have been animatronic, though. I also saw some cliff swallows. I asked the guide, and turns out they don't actually swallow cliffs, that's just their name.

With the success of logoworks comes increased projects, so Ive been busy. But my boss pulled me aside yesterday and gave me a 2 grand raise. That was nice.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

 Posted by Hello

I'm fixing a hole

With the new tramp needing to go in the ground, I have a need for a 14-ft wide 4 ft deep hole in my side yard. So I decided to invite people over for a good dig. What kind of tunes do you put on a hole-digging mix cd? Obviously anything by Hole, and maybe Head Like a Hole by NIN. Didnt Aerosmith do a Hole to Heaven song? Anyt more suggestions?

Friday, June 03, 2005

Captions are the best because they help describe the graphic. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The Story Behind Montgomery Q

It would be much easier and satisying for the viewer to see an actual site with the graphics and complete word-for-word story of Montgomery Q, the Crosscountry Dancing Menthol Cigarette, but that project hasn't been completed.

Montgomery Q is an illustrated storybook created by my friend Joel and I for our girlfriends. We recorded an ad-libbed story on tape, using all the titles of Love and Rockets songs for some reason. We tended to do odd things. There would be a click of a Snapple lid safety seal being popped when it was time to turn the page. I then illustrated it, and put the book together and gave it to them with the tape. The book still exists in Joel's archives somewhere, so once its scanned and cleaned up, it will go online for several people to enjoy.

Be warned: MQ is the dumbest story you will ever read in your lifetime. It's probably the dumbest story the human mind could create, even if we started now and were given unlimited time and resources.

Synopsis: Montgomery Q was a 6-foot living menthol cigarette. He rode a motorcycle, and discovered in his youth he was talented at ballroom dancing. At the urgings of his father (who planned to kill him) he headed to Nashville to enter a crosscountry ballroom dancing race. He wins, and the story follows his career as this odd sort of sportsman figure. He marries, has kids and the end of the story has him retiring. There's no "Rocky"-like comeback, or even a climactic race. The story is extremely entertaining for exactly 2 people (Joel, Me) and is a confusing pile of dung for all other readers.

I like the name, though.

The Hole and its Medical Implications

Hey hey. The kids ok.

The dimple/hole is "non-connective" which means it doesnt connect to the spinal column. Which means no surgery. He'll just have this really deep dimple in his buttcrack for the rest of his life.
My friend Scott said something which is absolute truth. Doctors will always tell you the worst case scenario FIRST. Is there a reason? Can they not say all the things it might be, and then say what the options for us are? Damn, that bugs.

So, if you have a bump, it's a cancerous goiter. Dimple is most likely spina bifida. And redness in the eyes? You've got yourself some Parkinson's, my friend.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Oliver's Hole

So this kid I have...I was worried about having another kid because it might be all screwed up? Or maybe I didn't express this. I was worried about this because this brother of a fellow gymnast in Maddies gymnastics class sits by us and is about 19 but has this helmet and likes to drool on my shoulder and Mandi and I got to talking and saying how we might get a helmet kid, but we'd love him anyway.

So then Oliver is born and he seems fine.

Then we do the 2 week checkup and the dr. finds this curious little hole at the base of his spine. Its called a "sacral dimple" and is located actually INSIDE HIS CRACK and looks like a, well just this really deep dimple. The dr. gets us worried, saying it's a possible sign of spina bifida and we need to get an ultrasound, and then do an MRI. How do you do an MRI on a baby kid, I wonder. So that'll happen Friday.

So mandis all crying and I'm stoically strong but concerned (on the inside), but then I talk to my sister nurse last night and she says it wont get any worse and it might not even be that. And I remember when we had the twins, they found a "chromosomal abnormality" and said they might be retarded and made us wait for 4 days and then come to find out it's twins and that was the problem. Doctors like to get people worried, cause they'll spend more money, I think.

So even if it's a touch of the biff, or even just a deep dimple, I can deal and we know he's not paralyzed or neurologically damaged (he sometimes acts a little immature, though) so we'll be fine. We just need to Q-Tip out the fecal matter or spinal fluid when we change the diaper. I'll let you know what happens when I find out, but it wont be until wed or thurs of next week, I think.