Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"Charles and Mary was doing it"

A while back, I took the bold stance that anyone that is unable to get out of bed because of their own weight gain should not be assisted. That's right. Not fed, not bathed, and certainly not helped out of the bed. Anyone can say "Your fat rolls hurt my eyes" but it takes a special love to say "Get your own damn Arby's".

So it is with great pleasure I present this lady who will now have to lurch her 500 lbs over to the toilet for herself. It's probably not such a good thing that the husband was doing the daughter, but I applaud his decision to NOT feed or clean this monster. He should be in jail for the incest, but all charges of neglect should be dropped.

Q: But, you agreed to love her "for better of for worse"...

A: That agreement does not encompass 24 hour care of someone that keeps eating the cheese fries even after the new door's installed.

Q: "But, we should be christlike and love those that can't help themselves and compassion and golden rule, blah, blah"

A: Wayward sons, we should love and help. Beat-up dudes by the side of the road, we should love and help. I can even see myself giving a leper some of my sandwich. Bed Jabbas are not my problem, though, and can die in their own poo.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Possible hepatitis = $500

Yesterday someone really smart (kristen) said that I am an impulse buyer, just because I bought a leatherman at the gas station and 2 meals at Sizzler instead of one. She can eat me, because what she doesnt realize is that I am also an impulse EARNER. I'll explain.

After work yesterday, i went over to Vox. I parked in the front next to this big mossy duck-poo-filled sludgebottomed swamplike lake that separates their property from the golf course in East Bay. I saw a big ugly fish jump. As I walked in the door, they were all gathered around the front, and they said "you got here just in time, Cheri's going to swim across that skanky swamp for 1000 bucks." Now, I'd like to see Cheri in her underwear more than probably anybody, but I needed some cash to upgrade my cell. So I said "I'll do it for 500 and I'll make it a show you won't forget"

They agreed, so I did. Cheri was not mad. She said it was her funnest day at work since she started there.

I came out of there with legs of jelly, cause I couldnt stand up anywhere, because the bottom was just sludge. And I had a huge headache. And I needed to throw up.

So as soon as I came home, I got in bed and tried to will myself healthy. Have you ever been on the verge of a huge illness and you can actually FEEL like the last half of the Two Towers movie and the war of your immune system is battling the forces of doom? I still had some penicillin from the thumb injury, so I took that, and a lot of Head-On(I applied it directly to the forehead). I was feverish, coughing, queasy, nauseous, and dizzy. I had green moss in my ears when I q-tipped them.

After 3 hours of restless sleep, I felt better, so I got on the computer and was cheered by the fact that some of my submissions to Illustrator world got accepted. I submitted 15, they accepted 6 ( I thought "I'm going to be somebody!"

I was so enlivened I invited Mandi to go walking with me. It was all rainstormy and lightning-tastic, which is how I like it, and she agreed. We got in a fight on the way, though. About whether or not I lose things. It started when I asked her if she'd seen my security badge. She's nuts. She just doesnt get that I do NOT lose things.

BTW, has anyone seen my stupid security badge? I need it to get into work.

The walk was invigorating and just what the doctor ordered. Now I feel better except the headache.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Getting Sunstoned

Friday I spent the day at Sunstone. I was in a panel talking about the history of the Sugar Beet, and it was a good chance to promote the new book coming out. I was a little nervous, but it went really well. I wish I had actually prepared something, though, instead of just muddling through some random thoughts in front of a hundred people.

After our lecture, I attended a few different other lectures. I enjoyed a couple, but some were so boring I just sat and analyzed every person in the room and made up elaborate fantasies about them.

Lunch with Susan, our publisher, was nice at the Trang cafe. I wish we had more vietnamese places in Utah County. We discussed promotion of the book, and where we're going after thie book is out. I hope it's successful. This has been a huge weight on my back for a long time now, getting this laid out and finding and creating just the right picture for an article. And I'm not sitting on a whole lot of extra time at this point in my life. So I hope it pays off and will be worth the effort.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Review of Match Point and 16 Blocks

Here we have a picture of Woody Allen directing his cameraman how to set up this shot. He's saying, "Over there, there might be something interesting, but I need you to focus on the boring crap over here."

Seriously. He would subject us to watching two characters walking down a street talking about something that noone cares about, then one would go into a store to buy some clothes. Woody has us wait outside, waiting. The remaining character waits with us. Minutes go by. "We're still here" we yell from our seats on the couch. Then the other character comes out with some clothes. This is what the entire movie does to us.

Another example. A dude shoots somebody. Do we get to see the shotgunned bloody face? No. We see just the dude aiming and shooting at the person. We have to assume he hit her. Then he sees someone else and shoots them. Again, just the shot of him shooting the gun. If we have to wait so long for something to happen, they could at least let us in on the action.

After the first hour, I had to just fast-forward with the closed-captions on so I could stay awake. Man, I feel sorry for those who watched this without the fast-forward button. Some parts, even the fast-motion would seem like slow-motion. There was an excellent scene made excellent by a freshly-oiled shoulder of Scarlet Johanneson. But that was 2 seconds out of a 5 hour movie.

Woody, time to retire. You deserve the break.

16 Blocks was a film about the cop from Sin City that has to take a convict named Mos Def 16 blocks from the police station to the courthouse, so he can testify against some people. They get shot at and have to run away in between buildings and on top of buildings. At the end they do some heavy smashing with a bus, which was fun to watch. It was ok, and I was appreciative that they let us see some interesting explosions and actual movement and bulleted bodies (unlike Match Point). I forgot to care about Willis and Def, though. I wasn't realy invested in their avoiding the bullets. And the ending sucked. Both the real one and the alternate. But it was a good way to spend a Sunday evening. 2.5 out of 4 units of measurement.

Friday, August 04, 2006

I'm Gonna Need You To Shut It

I've been intrigued lately by the theories circulating about the 9/11 conspiracy and cover-up. By "intrigued" I mean "blown away at the depth of retardation". If I see one more sign somewhere, I'm going to throw up. Because, even though I believe the government is capable of some evil stuff, and Sasquatch and the chupacabra will someday be exposed, even I can't stomach this BS.

"No plane was seen at the Pentagon!" "There were puffs of smoke on the lower floors before it collapsed!" "A plane's jet fuel can't get hot enough to melt the steel columns of the WTC!"

And there's no point trying to rebutt. It's like talking to someone about their astrology beliefs. With every word out of their mouth coming from a place of complete fantasy, you can soon tell that your words are a sturdy rope of truth thrown to an armless man in some quicksand of absurdity. Besides, actual scientists have given point-by-point rebuttals that make a whole lot more sense than my blog. Why not, here's another one for anybody interested.

All that needs to be said is "Yep, the government wanted to kill 3,000 of its own citizens."

Well, the conspiracy theorists got a hot carl yesterday in the form of a new report by, again, actual scientists that have been investigating the events of 9/11 and concluded that sorry, even the government didnt know about Flight 93 until it was blazing on the ground. Sorry, sad losers! Time-stamped audio tapes!

Incompetent military leaders, unprepared for homeland attacks, then lying about it after the fact to cover their asses? That I can swallow.