Saturday, December 23, 2006

Hey hey, the kid's ok

I remember the first blog I posted was about Oliver's possible spina bifida. And he was fine. Well, now there's a new worry that we're enjoying this holiday season.

So, this is a coarctation.

The graphic doesnt really capture his button eyes and his cute way of dealing with every probe, poke and catheter. He smiles, sleeps and is such a tropper throughout this whole crappy thing. Poor little guy.

It's too serious to be fixed by balloon, so they have to go in and cut out the narrowed section. That will happen the 27th. I'm sure he'll be fine. Primary Children's Hospital does this all the time. But if it were me getting the surgery, I would have to decline and accept the possible strokes, hypertension and possibly death. No doctor will ever touch my chest with an instrument of any kind. Be warned; if I wake up from a coma and find that I've had chest surgery, crotches will be pummeled.

Have a good christmas, all 2 of you that still read this blog.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Halloween costumes at my work - part II

Hey, it's working! Happy day.

16 weeks of productive Wednesday nights

OK, I'm sick of this selective uploading feature on Blogger. It wont post my halloween pics, but it will upload this stupid Lost gif.

I enjoy Kate nekkid and all, but last night's episode bugs me more every time I think about it = 2 times an hour. There was supposed to be some answers. There were none. The cliffhanger is not really a cliffhanger if the guy that might die is dying anyway, and the girl that is escaping is on an island. I want to show some sack and just boycott. But of course, I'm too invested. I will be there on my couch, eating the nachos and watching ABC on February 7 like everybody else. But if there is not an Alex or at least a Juliette flashback in that first episode, I will be forced to lay down a heavy penalty.

Alex is that dark-haired vixen that shows up to provide confusion every 5th episode. I like her hair and lip shape. Plus, the actress is about 4 feet tall in real life, so I'd be able to put her in my shirt pocket and go on adventures with her and possibly solve crimes.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

This is BIG TIME

Now YOU can see the Interview of the Century. And try not to fall in love with the host as I did accidentally.
Go to

Click on Watch Now (it's a button on the right edge of the screen)

It tells you to download a little program, so you click on "Download." It doesn't take too long. And it only works on PCs.

Then push Install when the install button comes up.

Then click the button that comes up when its finished installing.

A tv screen comes up.

Look at the bottom of the screen, it has VCR buttons, dates, a scrubber, etc.

Click on the - (minus) button to get to October 24.

Use the scrubber (it's a click and drag format) to drag the timeline to about 6:18 p.m. It's a green bar with the word "Mountain" on it.

Don't wet yourself when you see Orrin Hatch, because he'll be replaced very soon by better looking people with more interesting things to say. Try not to be distracted by the coughs I was doing throughout the segment. And understand that when I say "Load of the RIngs" I meant to say "Lord of the RIngs" and when I said "phenomenon" I meant "thing".

Then: pass it around to all your friends, Tell them to buy the book, lest we send the Danites after them.

Monday, October 16, 2006

United 93

Saturday I saw a movie that was this equation:

World Trade Center - Poo(Hollywood) x Saving Private Ryan x X where X=awesome. It showed exactly what it needed to show, without adding glitz and polish and f/x, which was refreshing. It shows you in real time what was happening on the ground, in a world where crashing an airplane into a building just was not done. Therefore, when they were trying to find the missing airplanes, it took a while for them to understand that they were hijacked, let alone in the World Trade Center's smoking holes, even when they were watching it on TV. So powerful. So well done. Go rent it NOW.

It's So Time For Extremely Prejudiced Missiles

This is a different world, Bush. Don't listen to the media, stop worrying about the UN, just do what needs to be done and just take this whackjob OUT. Send a small team of Marines. Send an air strike. There's no negotiating with this guy, especially when he's making threats like this.

If it doesnt happen soon, I'm going to be forced to go over there and deliver some death. I could use those shades in my collection.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Land of the Lost

Tonight's the Season Premiere of ABC's Lost and this is the source of all your Lost answers and secrets. After getting home from the UK and seeing the first 3 episodes, I felt it might be a nice thing for my friends that are also fans to get the answers the the questions we've discussed all summer. Alias's Abram wrote and directed a beautiful premiere, but read no further if you want to be surprised.

Locke: Our favorite box-company account manager is injured once again. His legs are fine, but his left arm is completely blown off! It is all blackened and charred, and to me it looks like it's been chewed by Smoky the Beast, but he refuses to talk to anyone about it. He's recovering in a lean-to(thanks to Eko) next to the former hatch/hole. We'll see if the island can heal this injury.

Jack: The majority of the first episode is Jack's flashback. He's tied up in a hut, answering questions and devising a way to escape. he has seen the other computer (supposedly the one that Walt was using to communicate with his dad) and it is just flashing SYSTEM ERROR. The flashback deals with his homosexual tendencies and a lifechanging "streaking" event he had when he was 7.

Charlie is now deaf in both ears, which is nice, because Claire wants to talk to him about taking their relationship to the next level.

Hurley has his first nude scene! A full frontal of him showering in the Pearl hatch's shower is the opening shot of the season. And it is hotter than you would think.

That baby, Adam or John or whatever, is kidnapped by the Others and is breastfed by a completely stoned Miss Clue. Her crack cocaine is passed on to him, and causes him to go into a deep coma. The Others have to rely on Dr. Jack to get the baby back to normal.

The Marshalls make it to the crystal table and are attempting to get back to their time when the Sleestacks show up.

Sawyer is now the love slave of fake beard dude.

The ghost of Ana Maria appears to Rose and they discuss the book "Watership Down" for the entire 3rd episode.

That's about all I can remember. If you have questions, just post a comment and I'll answer it as soon as I can. Have fun tonight!

Monday, October 02, 2006

What is Golf?

What is the "perfect" way to swing a golf club? What is the ideal attire? Is there an example of golf perfection? A picture is worth a hundred answers.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Zombo and All That Entails

I remember going to this site when I was first experimenting with the internet. And when I say experimenting, I mean heavy petting. Anyway, it's always been there to help me through the hard times.

You can do anything at

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

From Poo in the Fields We Get Healthy Crops

Once I was in a band called The Stoics. There was an excellent classically-trained guitarist named Randy. My bud, Matt, played bass. He, although insane, actually was fun to be around and he introduced me to Lobo, and for that I will always be grateful. There was 2.5 girl singers. I was the baby on the band on drums, and it was difficult, because this type of music (folky slow dirge goth) didnt really have good beats to drum to. But I figured if Steve Gadd could make his mark with Simon and Garfunkel, I could slowly steer this ship from behind the velvet curtain into a land of milk and honey.

I realize now that "The Stoics" is inarguably the number-one lamest band name ever. I thought it just meant "Greek wise dudes" but it turns out, it means something that was never any of the band's attributes or creeds.

We played at a number of places (a small number) and built up a cult following of 3. But we did have some fun campouts. We also recorded an album which I think was called Chest Hair. I still have it and can make it through 16 seconds before I have to empty a shotgun into the stereo. At the time we thought we were all ethereal and deep and soulful, but I can see now that the actual word we were was confused.

Through this band, I met a group of semi-humans named Earth, Lincoln, and Gerber. We formed a band called The Blue Meanies which somehow was harder on the ears than the Stoics. It was more experimental grunge goth. Earth cried sometimes, which would make his/her/its mascara/eye grime run, and he/she/it wore a black lacy dress at all times. We played at the National Guard Armory and poo was never sucked harder than the manner in which we did that night. Following each song was an apology.

These experiences gave me the... experience I needed to one day be the least talented member in an extremely cool band, Stretch Armstrong (later called Stretsch Armstrong, then Stretsch Magnifico, then the New Originals®).

We usually practiced at my house. My parents preferred The Stoics to Stretch Armstrong, since it was easier to talk over a woman singing an ode to Memorial Day than an eight-membered ska ensemble blasting "Charlie Brown".

I'm sleepy now.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

"Dangerously Light-Minded"

It's a privilege to get reviewed, especially from a big deal like Publisher's Weekly. Their sweet review of the new Sugar Beet book gave me some hope that it could actually get some sales. And we got it in time to put in on the back cover, which is doubly awesome.

What's even awesomer is my kids.

Ask me what my son's name is, and where he got the cold cream. Oliver and All over are the answers. Remind me to have a few more kids. He's extremely cute, though.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

"Charles and Mary was doing it"

A while back, I took the bold stance that anyone that is unable to get out of bed because of their own weight gain should not be assisted. That's right. Not fed, not bathed, and certainly not helped out of the bed. Anyone can say "Your fat rolls hurt my eyes" but it takes a special love to say "Get your own damn Arby's".

So it is with great pleasure I present this lady who will now have to lurch her 500 lbs over to the toilet for herself. It's probably not such a good thing that the husband was doing the daughter, but I applaud his decision to NOT feed or clean this monster. He should be in jail for the incest, but all charges of neglect should be dropped.

Q: But, you agreed to love her "for better of for worse"...

A: That agreement does not encompass 24 hour care of someone that keeps eating the cheese fries even after the new door's installed.

Q: "But, we should be christlike and love those that can't help themselves and compassion and golden rule, blah, blah"

A: Wayward sons, we should love and help. Beat-up dudes by the side of the road, we should love and help. I can even see myself giving a leper some of my sandwich. Bed Jabbas are not my problem, though, and can die in their own poo.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Possible hepatitis = $500

Yesterday someone really smart (kristen) said that I am an impulse buyer, just because I bought a leatherman at the gas station and 2 meals at Sizzler instead of one. She can eat me, because what she doesnt realize is that I am also an impulse EARNER. I'll explain.

After work yesterday, i went over to Vox. I parked in the front next to this big mossy duck-poo-filled sludgebottomed swamplike lake that separates their property from the golf course in East Bay. I saw a big ugly fish jump. As I walked in the door, they were all gathered around the front, and they said "you got here just in time, Cheri's going to swim across that skanky swamp for 1000 bucks." Now, I'd like to see Cheri in her underwear more than probably anybody, but I needed some cash to upgrade my cell. So I said "I'll do it for 500 and I'll make it a show you won't forget"

They agreed, so I did. Cheri was not mad. She said it was her funnest day at work since she started there.

I came out of there with legs of jelly, cause I couldnt stand up anywhere, because the bottom was just sludge. And I had a huge headache. And I needed to throw up.

So as soon as I came home, I got in bed and tried to will myself healthy. Have you ever been on the verge of a huge illness and you can actually FEEL like the last half of the Two Towers movie and the war of your immune system is battling the forces of doom? I still had some penicillin from the thumb injury, so I took that, and a lot of Head-On(I applied it directly to the forehead). I was feverish, coughing, queasy, nauseous, and dizzy. I had green moss in my ears when I q-tipped them.

After 3 hours of restless sleep, I felt better, so I got on the computer and was cheered by the fact that some of my submissions to Illustrator world got accepted. I submitted 15, they accepted 6 ( I thought "I'm going to be somebody!"

I was so enlivened I invited Mandi to go walking with me. It was all rainstormy and lightning-tastic, which is how I like it, and she agreed. We got in a fight on the way, though. About whether or not I lose things. It started when I asked her if she'd seen my security badge. She's nuts. She just doesnt get that I do NOT lose things.

BTW, has anyone seen my stupid security badge? I need it to get into work.

The walk was invigorating and just what the doctor ordered. Now I feel better except the headache.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Getting Sunstoned

Friday I spent the day at Sunstone. I was in a panel talking about the history of the Sugar Beet, and it was a good chance to promote the new book coming out. I was a little nervous, but it went really well. I wish I had actually prepared something, though, instead of just muddling through some random thoughts in front of a hundred people.

After our lecture, I attended a few different other lectures. I enjoyed a couple, but some were so boring I just sat and analyzed every person in the room and made up elaborate fantasies about them.

Lunch with Susan, our publisher, was nice at the Trang cafe. I wish we had more vietnamese places in Utah County. We discussed promotion of the book, and where we're going after thie book is out. I hope it's successful. This has been a huge weight on my back for a long time now, getting this laid out and finding and creating just the right picture for an article. And I'm not sitting on a whole lot of extra time at this point in my life. So I hope it pays off and will be worth the effort.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Review of Match Point and 16 Blocks

Here we have a picture of Woody Allen directing his cameraman how to set up this shot. He's saying, "Over there, there might be something interesting, but I need you to focus on the boring crap over here."

Seriously. He would subject us to watching two characters walking down a street talking about something that noone cares about, then one would go into a store to buy some clothes. Woody has us wait outside, waiting. The remaining character waits with us. Minutes go by. "We're still here" we yell from our seats on the couch. Then the other character comes out with some clothes. This is what the entire movie does to us.

Another example. A dude shoots somebody. Do we get to see the shotgunned bloody face? No. We see just the dude aiming and shooting at the person. We have to assume he hit her. Then he sees someone else and shoots them. Again, just the shot of him shooting the gun. If we have to wait so long for something to happen, they could at least let us in on the action.

After the first hour, I had to just fast-forward with the closed-captions on so I could stay awake. Man, I feel sorry for those who watched this without the fast-forward button. Some parts, even the fast-motion would seem like slow-motion. There was an excellent scene made excellent by a freshly-oiled shoulder of Scarlet Johanneson. But that was 2 seconds out of a 5 hour movie.

Woody, time to retire. You deserve the break.

16 Blocks was a film about the cop from Sin City that has to take a convict named Mos Def 16 blocks from the police station to the courthouse, so he can testify against some people. They get shot at and have to run away in between buildings and on top of buildings. At the end they do some heavy smashing with a bus, which was fun to watch. It was ok, and I was appreciative that they let us see some interesting explosions and actual movement and bulleted bodies (unlike Match Point). I forgot to care about Willis and Def, though. I wasn't realy invested in their avoiding the bullets. And the ending sucked. Both the real one and the alternate. But it was a good way to spend a Sunday evening. 2.5 out of 4 units of measurement.

Friday, August 04, 2006

I'm Gonna Need You To Shut It

I've been intrigued lately by the theories circulating about the 9/11 conspiracy and cover-up. By "intrigued" I mean "blown away at the depth of retardation". If I see one more sign somewhere, I'm going to throw up. Because, even though I believe the government is capable of some evil stuff, and Sasquatch and the chupacabra will someday be exposed, even I can't stomach this BS.

"No plane was seen at the Pentagon!" "There were puffs of smoke on the lower floors before it collapsed!" "A plane's jet fuel can't get hot enough to melt the steel columns of the WTC!"

And there's no point trying to rebutt. It's like talking to someone about their astrology beliefs. With every word out of their mouth coming from a place of complete fantasy, you can soon tell that your words are a sturdy rope of truth thrown to an armless man in some quicksand of absurdity. Besides, actual scientists have given point-by-point rebuttals that make a whole lot more sense than my blog. Why not, here's another one for anybody interested.

All that needs to be said is "Yep, the government wanted to kill 3,000 of its own citizens."

Well, the conspiracy theorists got a hot carl yesterday in the form of a new report by, again, actual scientists that have been investigating the events of 9/11 and concluded that sorry, even the government didnt know about Flight 93 until it was blazing on the ground. Sorry, sad losers! Time-stamped audio tapes!

Incompetent military leaders, unprepared for homeland attacks, then lying about it after the fact to cover their asses? That I can swallow.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Owen Wilson is My New Lover

This picture is from an incredibly awesome movie, Royal Tenenbaums, with Owen Wilson. I didnt want to support You, Me & Dupree, cause it looks really stupid.

But now, Steely Dan's is all mad, cause they think the movie (You, Me & Dupree, not Royal Tenenbaums) is based on a song they had (Cousin Dupree) about an annoying houseguest. You know what matters? Whether a movie has the same name as a person in your song.

Quoted from USA Today, "There are some pretty heavy people who are upset about this whole thing and we can't guarantee what kind of heat little Owen may be bringing down on himself," band leaders Walter Becker and Donald Fagen wrote in the letter.

In a statement released by his spokeswoman, Ina Treciokas, Wilson said: "I have never heard the song 'Cousin Dupree' and I don't even know who this gentleman, Mr. Steely Dan, is. I hope this helps to clear things up and I can get back to concentrating on my new movie, HEY 19. "

This is the awesomest response he could have possibly said. They deserve any mockery they get for actually saying to someone with a microphone that they could generate any kind of "heat" from their awesome influence of power and fanbase. And Hey 19 is another one of Steely Dan's songs. Is it lame to explain that?

Review of Lady in the Water

Friday I took Mandi to a movie called Lady in the Crappy Movie, the latest in a downward spiraling series of movies by M. Night Shyamalan. I will not contribute to his popularity by searching for the correct spelling of his name. This was a peanut log, and he ought to be ashyamed for having squeezed it onto the public's face. He takes a bedtime tale that he made up when drunk, hires some awesome actors like Paul Giamatti and Ron Howards daughter, then makes some monsters on his pc using MS Paint. Add some poo that doesnt make sense(like Frederico working out only one half of his body) and 20 days of shooting later, he's got himself another $200 million movie.

Pros: Paul Giamatti, Ron Howards daughter

Cons: every line of dialogue, and the parts where people weren't speaking, and the things that M in the Night made us watch during the talking and the nontalking parts. And the music. And the idea behind the movie.

I bet Disney is thankful they split ways with M. He got too big for his britches and left them because they had a meeting to discuss this movie, and one of the executives had to go to her kids b-day party, so he got pissed and said no more Disney partnership. I wish I had gone to a b-day party instead of seeing this movie.

The rest of the weekend was spent trying to remove this movie's taste from my head.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Subway or the Highway

Last night at Subway I had the most awkward and embarrassing experience for me that I can remember.

I walk in to get some dinner for me and mandi. I'm being nice, cause I hate this place. But I was talking to mandi on the phone and happened to be driving by, and I know she's a fan. So I said I'd get her something. I see this girl that I used to know from when I lived in a different neighborhood. I can't ever remember her name, but she always goes on and on about how I'm dressed. "Oh I love HomeStar Runner, blahblah"

She makes Mandi's sandwich without incident. As she's doing this, This fat turd starts making mine. He cuts the loaf, then starts to pull on some gloves. The exertion causes a drop of something nice from his greasy mane to drop onto his gloves. Without thinking how this will scar his life, or how loud my voice was, I say "Wait. never mind on that."

Greasy turd: "What?"

me: "I said never mind. I lost my appettite."

GT: "You don't want it?"

Me: " just dripped onto your glove. Sorry, but that's gross."

GT: "Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's just so hot back there...I can start a new one.."

Me: "No, I..just...I can't deal with this-"

I turn quickly to run like a little girl from the store and put this behind me. My sandalled foot hits the chip stand, and I catch it barely, but not before yelling an awful word. Loudly. I hate toe injuries the most. Every head in the room that is not already looking swivels over. The girl has an extremely amused look on her face. The dude looks ready to cry, because he's not prepared to defend his hygiene to a roomful of customers and coworkers and all he wants is to take the knife and slice his throat then and there, and I felt so bad for him and my toe and myself, for letting myself be embarrassed and that I made things so much worse.

I need to remember to ask myself "What would Chuck Norris do?"

So I left and got me some Arby's.

Possible Oral Disease=$15

There was a gooey stain on the table at Sonic. For a small fee I went ahead and licked.

One-paragraph reviews

Good Night, and Good Luck

A George Clooney peanut loaf that he pinched off just in time for Oscars last year, under the guise of paying tribute to Edward R. Murrow. It just did not have anything I cared about or needed to know. Great, Murrow stood up to a senator. By reporting some boring news. Why didnt he just beat the Senator McArthy with a bedpost that says "Love, Eddie" on it? What country does he think he lives in, if he can't get his enemy beaten with a bedpost? Why didnt the entire country give this senator a beatdown?

The Matador, starring Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear
This movie got some great reviews, by critics who are officially retarded. We walked out halfway, because it stunk so bad.

The DaVinci code. The book had one acceptable part where they're meeting with Gimpy Smart Guy and it makes you think and its interesting and the rest was a big Encyclopedia Brown car chase that makes you tired. The movie was exactly the same, except the Gimpy Smart Guy is played by Magneto and you get to see Albino Retard smackin himself with whips. Hey, Albino Retard, you know what would feel better than doing that? Not doing that. You might want to stop doing that.

Mission Impossible 3: Ethan Hunt is a Bad Mofo. Wow, the only movie in this post that I've liked. Spoiler Alert: Felicity gets her brains asploded in the first 10 minutes, so I knew I was in for a RIDE. Then some helicopters get crushed by huge industrial fans, Phillip Seymour Hoffman (my fantasy sleepbag mate) gets held out of a plane hatch, an Asian chick wears a hot red dress, and they break into the Vatican by running straight up a huge wall. There's so much awesomeness in this movie dammit GO SEE IT now. TELL YOUR SUPERVISOR TO KISS YOUR BUM.

Suck the Crap, a movie about Johnny Cash. starring Harelip guy that did his sister in Gladiator. The problem was, it had Reast Witherspoon in it.

Here is a graphic that illustrates how seamlessly Reast blends into every movie, nay, scene that she finds herself in.

We watched a couple minutes, then turned it off to watch another show about a man who weighed half a ton and had to go to the hospital. Hey, caregivers and loved ones of fatasses? How bout when they can't get out of bed, you DON'T bring them their food? Gee Minentley!

Nacho Libre was a movie that I should have just waited for the DVD (and then used a coupon). It was lamer than I'd hoped. I liked Napoleon Dynamite, but this was a cheap mexican clone that didnt quite finish what it had in mind. Jack Black was beautiful, it just needed another year of writing correction.

The Hills Have Poor Actors, a movie about twisted nuclear mutants that trap and eat people in the New Mexican desert. In the end, the least annoying person kills them, or calls the cops or something. I don't know, cause I couldn't last past the first 20 minutes. Why do I do this to myself?

Friday, July 07, 2006


My realtor, Evelyn, has four limbs that end in paws. Each paw has five long, sharp claws that are unretractible, unlike cats. These claws can be used to climb trees, rip open termite nests and beehives, dig up roots, or manipulate a cell phone. While most carnivores tend to walk on their toes in a way that is adapted for speed, my realtor has a plantigrade stance. She walks with their weight on the soles of her hindfeet, with the heel touching the ground, while the toes of the forefeet are used more for balance. Although slower than most bears, Evelyn can reach speeds of up to 50 km/h (30 mph). She is stronger than most realtors and her limbs are more flexible and agile.

Evelyn has a large body with powerful limbs. She is capable of standing up on her hind legs and putting on a business suit. She has broad paws, a long snout, and round ears. Her teeth are used for defense and tools. Her claws are used for ripping, digging, mouse-clicking, and pointing out features of a home. Her eyesight is probably similar in acuity (sharpness) to human realtors, though she can spot architectural flaws better than most. We know that she does have color vision to help her identify fruits, nuts, and carpet colors
Evelyn has a wide mouth with 32 to 42 teeth. They are not specialized for killing her prey like those of cats. Normal canine teeth in a carnivore are generally large and pointed used for killing prey, while Evelyn's canine teeth are relatively small and typically used in defense or as tools. Her molar teeth are broad, flat and are used to shred and grind plant food and powerbars into small digestible pieces.

In all bear species, males are larger than females, but the difference between sexes varies and is greatest in the largest species. While her husband is a human, her husband is as tall as her, but with some striking differences that we noticed last night while on a walk. He walked by us a few times, and we noted his stature and gait. He is very asymetrical, probably due with years of having to perform sexually with a bear. He looks like two different tall men (both of whom have sticks up their anusses), stuck together.

For the most part, bears are shy and are easily frightened of humans. This is what makes Evelyn a rarity, because she is very bold and forthcoming, and will approach anyone, even strangers, without hesitation. She "speaks" in short bursts, and will not back down from a challenge. She will also defend her cubs ferociously.

Friday, June 30, 2006

The Movie That Fell to Earth

Superman was not that great. HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL!! Any Superman movie that has him going to the hospital does not know the character. Writing=2 mangled thumbs down. Acting/casting=2 thumbs up.

I'd much more like to talk about the mexikids sitting behind me. There was a herd of 7 or 8 hispanics with kids ranging from 10-13 years old that each needed one punch each, right in the mexi-nuggets. They wouldnt shut up or stop kicking our chairs. I had to turn around and talk meanly, which I dont like to do, being a funloving sweethearted guy. That would get them to settle for 5 minutes, though, before their retard mouths kicked into gear again. And you can't beat up kids in a Superman movie. Wait, can you? Cause I think they needed it. Just thinking about pummelling them makes my mouth water. I would take my time, starting out with a good working over in the crotchal region, then start cutting up the face with fists of rightous fury. The parents would rise halfway through (they were a little slow) and say something like "Deje de pummel mis hojos...." and receive the Pibb in the face, blinding them so I can move in for the orbital-lobe-fracturing elbows and throat chops. Then here comes the bag of doorknobs in the crotch. Kids start to recover, weakly struggle to protect their parents. I snap off their seat-kicking feet and cram them down their gullets. Eyes bulge as they fight for breath around the cruel vinyl and rubber of their costco roller-sneakers. Losing consciousness, they sink back into their chairs, and the audience cheers and hoots. Hands are shaken, gratitude is expressed. and I yell out "Let's shut it up for the Soops!" and we all do.

Superman probably wouldnt approve. But the awesomest superhero character in the universe, Lobo, would heartily endorse my actions.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Lists for a ShouldBeWorking

9 lasts

Last dollar spent: Costa Vida nachos
Last cigarette: Never never never
Last beverage: Diet Coke with Lime to wash down the Percoset
Last movie: Spinal Tap for the 125th time (this time with commentary)
Last phone call: Kip from Vox
Last song played: POD-Boom
Last bubble bath: Saturday
Last time you cried: When I smashed my finger on thursday night. 2 tears.
Last thing you ate: Papa Murphy hawaiian

8 have you evers.

Have you ever dated a best friend: yes
Have you ever skinny dipped: yes, in some hot springs
Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: yes
Have you ever lost someone you loved: yes, Grandparents, but that's nto very original
Have you ever been dumped: like a hot turd thrice
Have you ever been drunk and threw up: yes
Have you ever ran away: no
Have you ever wanted someone you thought you couldnt have then found out they liked you: yes

7 states you've been to.

1. CA
2. NV
3. UT
4. ID
5. WA
6. CO
7. AZ

6 things you've done today: (in no particular order...)

1. showered with my thumb sticking out above the curtain
2. designed 2 logos
3. made plans for a meeting with bosses
4. emailed a guy about a trip to Canada
5. emailed some people
6. mad eplans to pick up a check from a client

5 of your favorite things in no order.

1. rain walks
2. sunglasses
3. nachos
4. Tenacious D
5. drums

4 people you can tell [almost] anything to in no order..

1. mandi
2. joel
3. christopher
4. sisters

3 things that make you smile.

1. lesbian art directors
2. gooch massages
3. Marcos Mateau

2 things you want to do before you die.

1. too many things to list
2. go to Argentina

1 one thing you can't live without

1. Kids (just mine, I can live without all other kids)

One-Legged Man Part Two

Craig comes over last night to chat. We sat outside and nothing, not the setting sun, a phone call from a client, kids, NOTHING could get this man to pack up his leg and get home. The pretense of the visit was he wanted to rototill with me, but he saw my thumb and realized that wasnt happening. I think the guy really likes to rototill.

Highlights of his ramblings:
He used to go walking when he lived in Salt Lake. He would bring along a huge knife, in case of dog attacks. He DID get attacked by a dog, a rabid pit bull, and he killed it by driving his knife into the back of his head.

He went to Gold's Gym for a while, but had to stop cause of some "bowel problems" he had in the pool.

He used to sit in the sprinkler in his wheelchair in only his shorts. The neighborhood kids would dance around him.

He once saved the neighbor kid from geting run over in the street in front of my house. Because it was so hot, he got a blister from the asphalt (he doesnt wear shoes), which got infected and eventually led to his leg being amputated. The mystery is solved! But he's not blaming her, she's just a kid, he says, but he kept on saying "If only she'da stayed on the grass..."

He told the bishop he didnt want to get married again, cause he didnt want to replace him. The bishop recently got married, and then soon after was made bishop.

He had to punch his dad to get him to stop telling One-Leg's daughter to come to church.

All these gems and more were interwoven with very little coherence into a long life narrative which is a conversation with One-Leg. I've grown to cherish these moments with him, when you can say and ask anything, and it will somehow flow into a bizarre story with beautiful imagery and creativity.

Monday, May 08, 2006

One-Legged Man

Saturday, I told Mandi that I was going to cobblestone the back of the garage. I've been meaning to do that since I moved in 3 years ago. She didnt believe me. So I went over to this guy's house that is the son of the guy that lived there and had probably watched his dad do the cobblestoning on the front to ask him how to do it. His name is Craig, and he has one leg. He told me how he lost it, but I forgot. He is 59 years old and has 2 hours worth of material to discuss on any topic you could imagine. He's kind of a weird guy. Talkative and demanding, large and pasty. Long white stringy hair. He told me that after he had open heart surgery he would sit on the front porch of my house with no shirt and a huge chest scar and short shorts and a leg stump and watch the neighborhood kids play in the yard. Even though I liked the guy, the mental image gave me goosebumps.

He lives 2 doors down from me in a small basement apartment. I said I was going to Home Depot to get the supplies for this project and he said "Hell, I'll come with you" So I came back and picked him up. He insisted on stopping at Carl's Jr on the way, and made the front of my van messy with his droppings. He took great pride in the fact that he was good buddies with all the workers there, and made me say to the speaker "This is Craig, honey".

Then we were walking across the parking lot of Home Depot (he refused to use a wheelchair or crutches, preferring to use me as his crutch) and my sisters walked by and said hi. He told me he wanted to take them to a bar, but I said they were married.

Cutting this huge cobblestoning story short, we got an area about 5' x 1' done. It was arduous, dusty work , and I think I got concrete in my lungs. Then he insisted we have a barbecue with my sisters, so I got them over there and we had a barbecue. Within 20 seconds of sit ting down with my family, Craig had regaled us with the story of when he got in a fight with his dad in my front room and he kicked his dad and his fake leg fell off and he splattered stump blood all over. We got along just fine. Craig ate 2 burgers and a hot dog before I cut him off. I had nothing, cause I was coughing.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

My version of Blob's painting

Hey, look. It's me and Laura D. That was the sweetest stash I've ever had in my whole life.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

My sister Blob

I have a sister named Blob. She lives far away. I wish she lived close.

She paints good.

One time she made love with her husband in the same room that they thought I was sleeping. I wish she hadn't.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Revenge of the V-Man

After you're done wth this movie, you will say, "Who the hell is that guy shaving her head?"

I don't get it. I guess the Wachowski bros.' name attached to a movie no longer means "This movie will kick all kinds of ass". I had such high hopes for this. And I was one of the few who liked the second two Matrices. The V for Vendetta graphic novel had a lot of potential, and the movie started out pretty well, but then Princess Amadala ran away from Agent Smith and everyone started doing stupid things and the movie slowly began to suck and I was worried, cause I had the faith, then everything came crashing down, and it lost all the beauty it had started out with.

I need to address the suckholes. There are those who feel this is a pretty good metaphor for today's American political climate. If you think that, you are automatically officially retarded. The government is not trying to control you. George W does not give a suck what you are saying to Aunt Mavis on the phone. The government will not kill you for rebellion. The government depicted in this movie closely resembles Iraq's, and is the type of government that AMERICA IS FIGHTING AGAINST.

Anyway, things happen in this movie that dont make any sense, but it's not the kind of thing like Matrix II: Pants Re-Crapped where you can enjoy weeks of re-thinking and figuring it out and discussion and online browsing and thoughts are provoked and souls stirred. It's just laziness. I give it a C, and I want to go cry now.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Where I've Been

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

Umm..this Create Your Map thing is kinda flawed. I've only been to Toronto in Canada, but it highlights the whole country. Plus, I've never been to Alaska or Hawaii.

Oh yeah, and who cares.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

The Steaming Toxic Fecal Mound that is Just Like Heaven

"Oh, this is a nice cover of a song I like by a band I like" you might say as you hear Katie Melua sing through the opening credits. Beware. Soon you will hate the song and anything else associated with this movie. You might enjoy Mark Ruffalo, as I once did, but even he now hates himself for being in this movie. Just look at his face on the cover of the dvd. That "working-through-a-dookie" face is him saying "I know. I'm sorry."

I can't say how I liked the middle part, cause I walked out when he decides to do a seance, and I returned when he was giving her mouth-to-mouth in the hospital in front of everyone. Mandi filled me in that a lot of things happened, like her being a spirit of a comatose body that has amnesia, and when she goes back into the body, her spirit has amnesia. And her spirit possessed the guy at one point and made him act like an ass in a bar and save a life. This is what they've given us to enjoy as an audience.

Witherspoon, spend some time away from a camera for a few years, take care of your kid. Work for some charities. Maybe then God will forgive you for this movie.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Phrases That Earn Their Speaker An Immediate Roundhouse Kick To The Face

1: "You'll get a dollar credit if you return this tomorrow before midnight" First of all, that's not gonna happen. Second of all, and more importantly, please don't say "before midnight" because if it was after midnight, it wouldnt be tomorrow. Just say tomorrow.

2: "I could care less..." it's not a grammar thing anymore. It's just the fact that people that say this actually do care a little about it, otherwise they wouldnt be making me listen to their freaking grammar problems.

3: "I hate to bother you, I just need..." Those 3 dots signify a significant bother will now be entering my ears. I will now be bothered, and this person is telling me he doesnt like to bother me. If he doesnt he would fall into a trapdoor and fall 3 floors immediately into lava. That would be much better if it went that way. Or even "Hey, I like to amuse you, so watch me dive into this lava." If he has to bother me, he could say, "I hate to bother you, but I like to juggle knives. Watch this (juggles knives) and by the way, can I put you on this overdue logo project? (roundhouse kick to head, followed by knives falling into eye) Owww!!"

4: "The logo needs to show what we DO" This is what is said after 3 things occur:
The person has received some pretty good logos

The person has a business which deals in general concepts like "consulting" or "Products and Services" or even "Truck Accessories" that is impossible to illustrate in an icon.

The person has said that his favorite logos are Dell Computers, Nike and CocaCola, without realizing the gross contradiction he has just committed.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Open Valentine to the Phantom Urinator

You. YOU. Hey, you.

You probable mexican, you, that couldnt hold it, and just didnt care. I opened the Toyota's door on that fateful morningnot knowing what awaited me. The smell immediately told me that my car had had an encounter most delicious. My daughter sat in your leavings, and innocently thought it was cat urine. I had her touch it and smell her hand. Then she knew it was you, and it melted my heart.

Happy Today, my little wandering Valentine, glancing around furtively while you tried to find a comfortable position. Was the lilac bush 10 feet away too far? Do you have a phobia of letting your little guy taste the open night air?

I know it's been a while, and you probably have only a dim memory of that night, but I have a favor to ask. I have a van. It's always open. I hate this van and want to leave it, but I'll need your help. With the window motor broken, the engine being repaired, the oft-skipping cd player, just everything so wrong with it, I need to make it right. So right, and I'm gonna need some more of your goodness.

In fact, leave more than mexi-urine. Vomit, go number two, spew whatever filth that only a sinverguenza like you can come up with. I want to see it shamed and befouled, so that keeping up a relationship with that fat-bottomed van is out of the question.

Because recently I came close to losing that van, but mandi made me keep it and try to fix its many ills, instead of buying another van. And it hurt to make that decision. So I need you. And in a crazy mixed up world likethis that we live in, is it too much to ask to get a cleveland steamer on my dashboard? You can even spell out "I heart you"...wait. Just surprise me.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Personal History Questions

What were you doing 20 years ago?
Lakeridge Jr. High. Bugging my little sister and skateboarding at the high school

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Trying out various jobs around Utah. I believe I worked most of the year at Holiday Inn Worldwide, setting up reservations for Holidays Inns....worldwide.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Working here at LogoWorks and teaching night classes in Illustrator and Photoshop. Preparing for the arrival of Oliver, and stressing about money.

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Deli Style Lays
2. Sconecutter
3. Taco Time
4. Argentine Pastries
5. Popcorn

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
The The-Sweet Bird of Truth
Every Beatles song
Los Divididos-Que Tal
They Might Be Giants - Unsupervised, I Hit My Head
Fishbone - Sunless Saturday

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. New car
2. Travel to Argentina and France, in fact most of my money would go to travelling
3. Quit my day job and spend my time drawing, occasionally teaching
4. Gold-plated diapers for Oliver
5. Invest

Five bad habits:
1. Drinking too much Dr Pepper
2. Eating too much fast food
3. Plucking Chris Bigelow's beard
4. Swearing
5. Speeding

Five things you like doing:
1. Eating out
2. Reading for pleasure
3. Sleeping
4. Working on logos
5. Movies

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Ball gag
2. A jockstrap
3. Gold-plated diapers
4. bolo tie
5. Corduroys

Five things that scare you:
My driving
Fundamentalist muslims
Home Intruders
Child Rapists
Danny Elfman's cameo in "The Gift"

Deep Thoughts I Hadn't Heard

If I was a doctor operating on a patient, and he died on me, and his spirit was hovering above his own body, looking down on it, I would take out a hundred dollar bill, flash it at the spirit, and then stuff it in the hand of the dead body. This would coax the spirit to return to his body. If that didn't work, I'd put the body's hand on the breast of a nurse. That oughta do it. In any case, I'd take the hundred dollar bill back before he woke up.

You know what it is that frightens ants the most? It's not the anteater, and it's not the steamroller. No wait, it is the steamroller. I got mixed up.

It's funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then look back at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you'll do whatever anybody tells you to.

When he was a little boy, he had always wanted to be an acrobat. It looked like so much fun, spinning through the air, flipping, landing on other people's shoulders. Little did he know that when he finally did become an acrobat, it would seem so boring. Years later, after he finally quit, he found out he hadn't been working as an acrobat after all. He had just been a street weirdo.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

Instead of crucifying a guy on a cross, what about a windmill? That way you get the pain and the dizziness.

Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Magical Mystical Car

Here are the instructions for the little scooter-car I bought my son for Christmas.

Magical recreational exercise car operation instructions

Offer children the happy gift

High-grade children entertaining vehicle is a new toy for children. It has got many patents and has detected by Chinese Toy Import & Export Test Center. Also it conforms to Europe and American Toy Safety Standard. After put to the marketing. the children vehicle has been hot all over the world. It is easy to operate though it has no battery and gearing. Just to turn the steering wheel. You can run ahead or backward. With mystic power. wonderful appearance, and congregated by environment protection, body -building as well as entertaining. The children vehicle is welcome by children.

1. After going on the car, hold steering wheel and shake left to right. Then that is in motion. If need to accelerate the speed, shake the core of body left to right. The highest speed can reach at 2.8m/persecond.

2.(a). The car can be used on the hard flat such as sitting room, park, squarer, housing area, kindergarten and so on.

(b). As can shake left to right when the car is being driving, that can help exercise lumbar muscles. The design of the round footpad can stimulate the acupuncture point of the foot. That can promote the health of Children's growing.

3. The car chooses high quality platic of PP, ABS, nylon and material bearing, etc.

4.(a). If the car is drive on cement road and asphalt road, it can't be loaded than 55kg.

(b). If the car is on smooth road surfacefor example hard marble, earth brick or terrazzo, it can't be loaded more than 100kg.

5. It makes good use of the theorem of centrifugal force and inertia theorem of human body. No need electric, oil and roll device can move freely.

6. It consists of the body, steering wheel and wheel of the front and rear, etc. only view the chart, then can assemble, But the car is assembled into finished products when it will be retailed in the market.

7. Remark:
(a). Must drive with the accompanying of adult.
(b). Don't drive on the steep slope, rough and uneven of surface.
(c). Strictly forbid driving on the motor vehicle road. The sitting location is better ahead-avoided leaning back, can be overtake the fait of car.

1). Put the bearing of forward foot into the main sheath, use the small hammer offered by us make the bearing and the bottom of sheath closely.

2). Put the steering wheel into the upper sheath, then adjust the direction, screw on the distensibility screw tighter, Lastly put the small cover on the middle of the streering wheel after thedebugging finished. (please note the direction of the small wheels and the bigger wheels the same as the steering wheel). Please contrapose our sample car carefully (the second car you got later).

3). Put the behild right and the lelt foot into the slots of car body, then adjust the position by using the small hammer.