Tuesday, April 24, 2007

High Points of My Television Watching Career

TV is a valuable tool for me to help stave off the crushing bleakness, and I watch it a lot. I'm trying to watch it less. The shows I like fall into two categories. There's the retarded shows with lazy writing and horrible acting that I cannot help but be addicted to. This category would include Walker, Texas Ranger and Prison Break.

The second category are brilliant beautiful things that make me laugh and think and wonder and gurgle. Here are my favorite moments of this kind of show.

Any scene of Arrested Development with Will Arnett. I love this man, and he helped this make this show the kind of magical hilarious entertainment that inevitably must be replaced with a Fat Slob, Hot Wife and Some Kids Sitcom.

Any scene in HBO's Extras where Gervais is talking to his agent, played by his buddy, Something Merchant. Hoo boy. They announced they would call it quits after 2 seasons (with a bonus finale episode) and that just sucks.

Oh my sweet Andy. Please come back to us.

And finally, any Martin Short appearance on David Letterman will make me happy for weeks afterwards. His style is so confident and relaxed...it's a joy to watch him tell a simple story. For further proof go here and savor.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Things I'm Sick Of

#1) Excessive photoshopping of people's eye bags until they look like mannequins. Hey, People cover designer? If you're photoshopping the wrinkles off of newborns because they look too aged, you might be overdoing it. I'll post a pic of me photoshopped to the other extreme in retaliation. Will it teach very much lessons?


#2) Interview questions for Virginia Tech students that start with "Were you" and end in "scared". I can picture the interviewer prepping for the interview..."Ok, I'm gonna nail this one...I'm gonna get to the core of it, find out all the facts....get the news out to the public...its go time!

Interviewer: Were you scared?

Student: yeah it was so surreal and freaky and he was all, bang bang, and I'm like, what?

Interviewer: When you heard the shots, were you scared?

Student: Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong, I like, love this school, and I seen my friend jump out the window, but I was freakin'!

Interviewer: How did you feel when you saw the people being dragged to the ambulances?

Student: I was all woah!

Interviewer: And scared?


3) Clients that are dumb. I'm not posting any more of their comments, but today is a bad day for asinine client requests. Yeah, I'm sick of that.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Neighbor and Daughter of PlateLawn

I'll type the handwritten part out so you don't have to strain your eyes.

"Does not include mailperson-friends or relatives.our-My yard is not contending for a beautification award. this property was purchased to use for betterment of those in need-yes, its messy sometimes when items are being sorted for distributution. If you don't like the way it looks, Look at, or walk on the other side of the street. If you have time to whine to the city about it, Please use that time to help the needy. visit the lonely-or teach a child to read-donate time at a school. If you aren't interested in making peoples lives easier, -and are conceited and self righteous, Remember, your day to stand before God is coming-Hope your excuse will be acceptable! No, I'm not perfect! but I'm not whining about you either"

Can I use their sign to teach my kids to read?

self-right·eous [self-rahy-chuhs] –adjective
confident of one's own righteousness, esp. when smugly moralistic and intolerant of the opinions and behavior of others.

schiz·o·phre·ni·a [skit-suh-free-nee-yuh] noun
1. Psychiatry. Also called dementia praecox. a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations.
2. a state characterized by the coexistence of contradictory or incompatible elements.

Apparently the 3-foot latticework is not working.

This person lives by my mom. I wish they would put out one new sign a month.

Some questions that came to me:

Is the severity of their threats increased or diminished by the 10,000 dinner plates half-buried in their lawn?

What if a delivery worker is retrieving a baseball?

If I pay the $500, does that mean I can come and go into their yard as I please? Because it would be totally worth it to peruse the awesomeness that is in her yard, like: a mural of Arches National Park, boxes of books, birdbath made from appliances, etc.

If I was a minor, but I was retrieving 2 of my soliciting agents, would that mean my guardian would pay double for the soliciting aspect of me (Total: $3500)? Or would it be double for all my infringing attributes ($6000)? What if they were soliciting softballs? They need to put out a price sheet.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Under the Banner of Retardation

Quick background: I'm an independent Conservative who loves Bush. There's a large number of people I would RATHER hear speak at my graduation, but having Cheney there would be both cool and historical. I went to BYU, found it extremely lame in many ways, and finished up my schooling at UVSC. Did NOT attend my graduation. Did NOT care.

It's a good thing I was not visiting my alma mater yesterday though, or my arms would be limp noodles from the crotch punches I would have been forced to deal out. On BOTH sides of this non-issue. My good hell, people. It's great that you're exercising your free speech rights. But for the love of crap, read what you've written on your posters. Look at what you're holding up. Ask yourself: "Do I deserve a pummeling to my genitals for what I'm expressing in marker?"

The best one, and the one I cannot find a pic of, is the one I saw on the news "Cheney/Voldemort 2008". That one sums it up for me.