Thursday, February 26, 2009

Secret of my Success

What if I could show you a system of eating which was so different from anything else you've ever seen, that you'll notice a change in your body in just 7 Days from today? Take your psychiatrist-searching finger out of those Yellow Pages for a second and read this. Do you think I'm blogging about it for any kind of personal gain or satisfaction? I've got literally a two-foot pile of projects that are past due, but I'm taking the time to help people out, so they'll stop asking me why I look so good.

Forget about your past dieting failures for a freaking SECOND.

This is my life and I'm loving every minute of it.

If the possibility of EXTREME WEIGHT LOSS is "science fiction" for you then go to the kitchen, look under the sink, and and immediately drink an entire gallon of whatever cleaning product you find because you do not deserve to read this post or exist in the same universe as me. But if you are brave and ready to live the HOTTIE life please meet the secret to my success.

Here is the secret: One morning I turned on the TV to Oprah (my favorite celebrity), she had Dr. Oz on the show and they proceeded to talk about a snack called "Animal Cookies" and how it is the new "superfood". Dr. Oz proceeded to talk about this cookie that had been discovered in the Amazon called "Keebler Frosted Animal Cookies". The part that caught my attention was when Dr. Oz explained how these cookies help you lose weight by suppressing hunger and boosting energy, exactly what I needed. It was on Oprah (and she knows weight loss) and promoted by Dr. Oz so I figure why not?

At this point I need to tell you that any doubters about this cookie can 1)stop reading this. Then, 2) find some scissors and RUN WILDLY AROUND YOUR HOUSE. You don;t deserve the blessings of this product, because your cold callous heart can't allow room for miracles.

To continue my story: It seemed almost coincidental when I saw Dr. Oz again the next day on other shows talking about another good way to lose weight. Dr. Oz also mentioned that keeping your colon clean can be a great way to lose weight in which dieting and exercise cannot. Expressing that a years worth of bad junk get stuck in your colon like toxins etc. I don't know all the medical terms but the point is simple and I just figured out the perfect answer that led to my incredible weight loss! And I didn't need to look any farther than my bathroom (next to my toilet).

That's right. I used a toilet brush ***REST OF SENTENCE DELETED TO MAINTAIN STANDARDS OF DECENCY***. Once a day, in fact. and let me tell you: besides the pounds of fat I'm sweating off, I have also developed numerous muscles. Tore like three t-shirts this week alone. I didn't want to freak anyone out if my pectoral muscles involuntarily flexed and ripped another shirt, so that's why I've just been wearing muumuus.

There are those that think this is ridiculous. I feel sorry for you, frankly. In fact I hope a witch casts a spell that traps you in an infinite time loop where you experience your first day of junior high every waking moment of your life for the rest of eternity. This is how serious I am about helping you lose weight.

During my trial period of 7 days I lost of total of 23 lbs, how amazing! Currently I'm 210, so I have about 40 or 45 more pounds to go for my personal goals but I am so much more happier and I will continue to use this system for the last lbs I don't want. It has only been a week, so that's close to 3.5 pounds per day! I don't know if it's the Folic Acid or the Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, but something in these cookies is working!

I feel the best I've ever felt in years and it's all thanks to those Keebler elves and Body Cleansing, Dr. Oz and Oprah. My wife and family are extremely proud of me and the time I get to spend with my kids and family is just priceless. Best of all, I feel at least 10 years younger! If you can't see the value in that, then I I hope a wild rhino bursts through your living room window and tramples your face. In fact I'll be riding that rhino and I won't stop him.

I hope my story has inspired you to go take action change your life by losing weight. Don't give up! Let me know how it works out for you!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

hey did you know he was hanged

the way I found out was a mass emailing was sent to me with the title URGENT URGENT URGENT so I hurried and answered it and quickly clicked on every picture and link in it so I could get the news as quickly as possible and then I forwarded it on to every person I know.

Thank you to Carrie for spreading the word.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Doesn't anybody drink human blood for the taste anymore?

You may remember my earlier post about Jonathan "The Impaler" Sharkey; Vampyre, wrestler, and Presidential candidate.

He's in the news again. The only part of the story that I need to know is a) he harassed a girl that felt some sympathy for him, and b) she tried to break up with him using the "I'm a vampyre hunter" ploy that never works.

He's a pretty tough dude. He says in his MySpace page that he "makes Rambo look like Mother Teresa" and he plans to impale "CHILD MOLESTORS, RAPISTS, KILLERS, DEALERS AND ISTS". So I guess he stays pretty busy.

So there's your morning entertainment.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

As long as you're grieving, let me steal your stuff.

My sister and boyfriend had their car broken into on Saturday while they attended a funeral up very close to my inlaws' house in Cottonwood Heights. The thieves took her purse, cell phone and other valuables and gave them the chance to drive back to Orem with a completely missing window. With this weather, who needs windows anyway?

Apparently, the same girl that did that stole from another member of AFCU, and their cameras were able to capture her successfully getting money out of her account with stolen ID (that looks nothing like her) and stolen checks. The tellers don't look at your ID to see if you look like your picture, so why do they ask for it? Answer: Just for fun.

As of today, there's been no detective assigned to the case, even though they have a good load of evidence to work with and plenty of victims. So I thought I'd post a couple pics of the fine piece of humanity that does this for a living. If you see her, I wouldn't recommend calling the police. Just do me a favor and tackle her, tie her up and slowly lower her into a velociraptor cage.

p.s. Laura made me take them down for some reason, so I'll have to post an illustration.