Friday, July 07, 2006

Evelyn


My realtor, Evelyn, has four limbs that end in paws. Each paw has five long, sharp claws that are unretractible, unlike cats. These claws can be used to climb trees, rip open termite nests and beehives, dig up roots, or manipulate a cell phone. While most carnivores tend to walk on their toes in a way that is adapted for speed, my realtor has a plantigrade stance. She walks with their weight on the soles of her hindfeet, with the heel touching the ground, while the toes of the forefeet are used more for balance. Although slower than most bears, Evelyn can reach speeds of up to 50 km/h (30 mph). She is stronger than most realtors and her limbs are more flexible and agile.

Evelyn has a large body with powerful limbs. She is capable of standing up on her hind legs and putting on a business suit. She has broad paws, a long snout, and round ears. Her teeth are used for defense and tools. Her claws are used for ripping, digging, mouse-clicking, and pointing out features of a home. Her eyesight is probably similar in acuity (sharpness) to human realtors, though she can spot architectural flaws better than most. We know that she does have color vision to help her identify fruits, nuts, and carpet colors
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Evelyn has a wide mouth with 32 to 42 teeth. They are not specialized for killing her prey like those of cats. Normal canine teeth in a carnivore are generally large and pointed used for killing prey, while Evelyn's canine teeth are relatively small and typically used in defense or as tools. Her molar teeth are broad, flat and are used to shred and grind plant food and powerbars into small digestible pieces.

In all bear species, males are larger than females, but the difference between sexes varies and is greatest in the largest species. While her husband is a human, her husband is as tall as her, but with some striking differences that we noticed last night while on a walk. He walked by us a few times, and we noted his stature and gait. He is very asymetrical, probably due with years of having to perform sexually with a bear. He looks like two different tall men (both of whom have sticks up their anusses), stuck together.

For the most part, bears are shy and are easily frightened of humans. This is what makes Evelyn a rarity, because she is very bold and forthcoming, and will approach anyone, even strangers, without hesitation. She "speaks" in short bursts, and will not back down from a challenge. She will also defend her cubs ferociously.

2 comments:

DFB said...

Holy shit I hope she doesn't read your blog! Also, very funny.

sugarbritches said...

I swear I just fed your realtor at Yellowstone!