Thursday, July 27, 2006

One-paragraph reviews

Good Night, and Good Luck

A George Clooney peanut loaf that he pinched off just in time for Oscars last year, under the guise of paying tribute to Edward R. Murrow. It just did not have anything I cared about or needed to know. Great, Murrow stood up to a senator. By reporting some boring news. Why didnt he just beat the Senator McArthy with a bedpost that says "Love, Eddie" on it? What country does he think he lives in, if he can't get his enemy beaten with a bedpost? Why didnt the entire country give this senator a beatdown?

The Matador, starring Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear
This movie got some great reviews, by critics who are officially retarded. We walked out halfway, because it stunk so bad.

The DaVinci code. The book had one acceptable part where they're meeting with Gimpy Smart Guy and it makes you think and its interesting and the rest was a big Encyclopedia Brown car chase that makes you tired. The movie was exactly the same, except the Gimpy Smart Guy is played by Magneto and you get to see Albino Retard smackin himself with whips. Hey, Albino Retard, you know what would feel better than doing that? Not doing that. You might want to stop doing that.

Mission Impossible 3: Ethan Hunt is a Bad Mofo. Wow, the only movie in this post that I've liked. Spoiler Alert: Felicity gets her brains asploded in the first 10 minutes, so I knew I was in for a RIDE. Then some helicopters get crushed by huge industrial fans, Phillip Seymour Hoffman (my fantasy sleepbag mate) gets held out of a plane hatch, an Asian chick wears a hot red dress, and they break into the Vatican by running straight up a huge wall. There's so much awesomeness in this movie dammit GO SEE IT now. TELL YOUR SUPERVISOR TO KISS YOUR BUM.

Suck the Crap, a movie about Johnny Cash. starring Harelip guy that did his sister in Gladiator. The problem was, it had Reast Witherspoon in it.

Here is a graphic that illustrates how seamlessly Reast blends into every movie, nay, scene that she finds herself in.

We watched a couple minutes, then turned it off to watch another show about a man who weighed half a ton and had to go to the hospital. Hey, caregivers and loved ones of fatasses? How bout when they can't get out of bed, you DON'T bring them their food? Gee Minentley!

Nacho Libre was a movie that I should have just waited for the DVD (and then used a coupon). It was lamer than I'd hoped. I liked Napoleon Dynamite, but this was a cheap mexican clone that didnt quite finish what it had in mind. Jack Black was beautiful, it just needed another year of writing correction.

The Hills Have Poor Actors, a movie about twisted nuclear mutants that trap and eat people in the New Mexican desert. In the end, the least annoying person kills them, or calls the cops or something. I don't know, cause I couldn't last past the first 20 minutes. Why do I do this to myself?


mandi said...

You saw DaVinci Code without me? You jackass.

DFB said...

An otherwise fine take, but The DaVinci Code succeeded in pissing off the Jesus Freaks, so I have to give that a big thumbs up.

Nacho Libre succeeded in making me wet myself laughing, so I'm giving it nine-and-three-quarters adult-sized diapers out of a possible eleven.

Edward Morrow is a man among girls and his battle with Senator Jackass is epic. I never saw the movie, though.

Did you forget Superman? I liked this better the first time I saw it, when it was called "The Passion of Christ." I give it one-and-a-half Crowns of Thorn out of a possible six, mainly for omitting the part where Lois Lane becomes the Holy Grail.

Montgomery Q said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Montgomery Q said...

I think I had Nacho too built up in my head, since I had watched all the making-of minitrailer podcasts.
It had some funny moments.

Superman was reviewed in an earlier blog. Come on, keep up.