Wednesday, September 13, 2006

From Poo in the Fields We Get Healthy Crops

Once I was in a band called The Stoics. There was an excellent classically-trained guitarist named Randy. My bud, Matt, played bass. He, although insane, actually was fun to be around and he introduced me to Lobo, and for that I will always be grateful. There was 2.5 girl singers. I was the baby on the band on drums, and it was difficult, because this type of music (folky slow dirge goth) didnt really have good beats to drum to. But I figured if Steve Gadd could make his mark with Simon and Garfunkel, I could slowly steer this ship from behind the velvet curtain into a land of milk and honey.

I realize now that "The Stoics" is inarguably the number-one lamest band name ever. I thought it just meant "Greek wise dudes" but it turns out, it means something that was never any of the band's attributes or creeds.

We played at a number of places (a small number) and built up a cult following of 3. But we did have some fun campouts. We also recorded an album which I think was called Chest Hair. I still have it and can make it through 16 seconds before I have to empty a shotgun into the stereo. At the time we thought we were all ethereal and deep and soulful, but I can see now that the actual word we were was confused.

Through this band, I met a group of semi-humans named Earth, Lincoln, and Gerber. We formed a band called The Blue Meanies which somehow was harder on the ears than the Stoics. It was more experimental grunge goth. Earth cried sometimes, which would make his/her/its mascara/eye grime run, and he/she/it wore a black lacy dress at all times. We played at the National Guard Armory and poo was never sucked harder than the manner in which we did that night. Following each song was an apology.

These experiences gave me the... experience I needed to one day be the least talented member in an extremely cool band, Stretch Armstrong (later called Stretsch Armstrong, then Stretsch Magnifico, then the New Originals®).

We usually practiced at my house. My parents preferred The Stoics to Stretch Armstrong, since it was easier to talk over a woman singing an ode to Memorial Day than an eight-membered ska ensemble blasting "Charlie Brown".

I'm sleepy now.


La said...

Okay I miss SA. You guys need to get back together.

It was SO fun for me to be a punk little sister and bug you guys while you rehearsed. I was seriously a Stretchy, my newly-coined term for roadie.

Just do it, damnit.

Joel said...

I went to many of the Stoics performances and disliked every moment. You I liked. Matt I liked. But that music was intolerable. I kept going to the shows for one reason: Teenagers are categorically stupid.

heidi said...

The Blue Meanies is the coolest name ever. I remember going to one of your SA concerts. You seemed a lot more serious than normal--probably concentrating on your kick-A rythmn.

Montgomery Q said...

Joel, you were a Stoicy, just admit.

Remember the violins? I just remembered that when the girls werent singing they'd pull out these violins and you could see the audience's shoulders slump with resignation.

I had to be serious for most of the songs so I could do it as fast as it needed to be. Hot diggety that was a fun band, though.

jaime said...

I loved Stretch - you guys were so good! I went to a Stretch Armstrong concert when I was a senior in high school and got asked out by a college guy that I lied to and told him I went to the U. So, I gave him my number, never thinking he would call, but he did. That was the worst night of lies I have ever experienced. I never told him I was still in high school, but I'm sure he though I was retarded. He asked me about all my classes and professors and I don't know what I said. What an idiot I was. Anyways - he never called back. good times.