Friday, February 17, 2006

Phrases That Earn Their Speaker An Immediate Roundhouse Kick To The Face

1: "You'll get a dollar credit if you return this tomorrow before midnight" First of all, that's not gonna happen. Second of all, and more importantly, please don't say "before midnight" because if it was after midnight, it wouldnt be tomorrow. Just say tomorrow.

2: "I could care less..." it's not a grammar thing anymore. It's just the fact that people that say this actually do care a little about it, otherwise they wouldnt be making me listen to their freaking grammar problems.

3: "I hate to bother you, I just need..." Those 3 dots signify a significant bother will now be entering my ears. I will now be bothered, and this person is telling me he doesnt like to bother me. If he doesnt he would fall into a trapdoor and fall 3 floors immediately into lava. That would be much better if it went that way. Or even "Hey, I like to amuse you, so watch me dive into this lava." If he has to bother me, he could say, "I hate to bother you, but I like to juggle knives. Watch this (juggles knives) and by the way, can I put you on this overdue logo project? (roundhouse kick to head, followed by knives falling into eye) Owww!!"

4: "The logo needs to show what we DO" This is what is said after 3 things occur:
The person has received some pretty good logos

The person has a business which deals in general concepts like "consulting" or "Products and Services" or even "Truck Accessories" that is impossible to illustrate in an icon.

The person has said that his favorite logos are Dell Computers, Nike and CocaCola, without realizing the gross contradiction he has just committed.


La said...

How about little sisters that call you in the middle of a work day to reminisce about "eggs on toast"?

Will that get me a kick?

DFB said...

How about framers who call joists "joistses" because they just can't figure out how to get all the s's in there.

Or what about builders who call masonry "masonary" because they just feel like the word deserves an extra syllable.

Those bug me. Also bartenders who say "what can I get you?" when they know good and goddamn well what I want. A Heffy.. NO FRUIT! That's just annoying.

tony said...

Wouldn't "Whats your poison be better?

Montgomery Q said...

I was reminded last night of another phrase that earns the speaker an immediate roundhouse kick to the face. "You know what?" has become the new "ummm..." Here's Sharon Stone: "After all these years, you know what? I've decided that you know what? I DESERVE another Basic Instinct movie. Critics will probably hate it but, you know what? I dont care. You know what? I DO appear nude in 90% of the scenes. And they didnt give me any lines. You know what? I don't mind so much."

Tony (cool) said...

Bush sucks should be one. (expecialy when said by kids under 16.)

Tony (cool) said...

or "you might be at a small risk"
we are always at a small risk!