8 Life Hacks You Must Know or You May As Well Be Dead

I like it when they call simple tips "hacks" because it's just like a programmer getting into an encrypted server, except it's not like that at all. So that's what's good about calling it that and not annoying. 

I made some new ones that have made my life 29% easier and about 15% less percentage-based.

1. When going over 40 mph it is more economical to have your windows up and AC on. Under 40 mph, it's better to have your eyebrows up and pants down. 

2. To relieve painful gas, lay on your back and life your left knee to your chest. Make sure you have your cell phone ready to record! To obtain painful gas, eat anything from Beto's. 

3. The waitstaff has nothing to do with how long the food takes to prepare, so don't punish them with poor tipping when the food is slow to arrive. Instead, place a fresh piece of your feces on the plate when you're finished with a note that says "Deliver to chef". They are legally obligated to eat it. 

4. Getting a call from Larry? Don't say anything, just press 9, it'll add your number to the "do not call" list.  Next time, it's jail time.

5. Mosquito bite? Press a HOT sword 2-3 inches into the bite. The heat will destroy the chemical that caused the reaction and the itching will stop.

6. If you eat enough blue crayons you can temporarily turn your skin a shade of light blue.

7. If your cat is disrupting your computer enjoyment, flip a box upside down and set it on its side. Boxes are like magnets to cats. Then close the box with strong tape and mail to:
CHINA
Tianjin, Hexi District
No. 51 Weijin South Road
Cultural Center for Sport
Scott Kiwao
300202

8. Keep a square of cardboard in a ziploc bag with you to protect small, important documents like checks from rain and keep them uncreased. Also, keep extra cardboard in your pants for when people see you doing that and hit you in the crotch.