Friday, February 08, 2008

Everything about my anus you wanted to know

Blogs are sort of like online journals, right? At least that's how I explained it in my "family heritage" talk. It's where we should write down the highs and lows of our lives, so later we can look back and be grateful for blessings and learn from our mistakes. It's time to stop thinking my private life can be private, especially when I have sisters with huge flapping mouths. So take a deep cleansing breath. And release.

I guess you've heard: I have anal fissures. It's a pretty big relief for me, because I couldnt stop thinking that I had butt cancer after I started seeing blood. The doctor gave my butt a quick check while we chatted and joked, then gave me a prescription for some stuff I can put on it. Wikipedia gave me a lot more useful info, though.

"Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Various causes of this fissure include:

* Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry (that doesnt sound like me)
* Severe and chronic constipation (nope)
* Severe and chronic diarrhea (This is the one I'm going with)
* Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis (maybe)
* Tight sphincter muscles (I'm trying to work out that area. I have a "Sphincter of Steel" dvd)
* Anal intercourse (almost never)
Many acute anal fissures will heal spontaneously. Some fissures become chronic and will not heal. The most common cause for this is spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle. This spasm causes poor blood flow to the anal mucosa, hence producing an ulcer which does not heal since it is deprived of normal blood supply.

(I'd be able to tell if this is happening, right? I'm pretty sure I'm not having internal rectal spasms)
Anal fissures are common in women after childbirth, and following constipation in infants.


(It then gives a lot of things you can do for infants, and then goes into ways to prevent it, most of which, I'm sorry, but arent likely to happen, like changing my diet. There are however, some more interesting preventatives...)

* Treating diarrhea promptly.(how do you do this? All my life, my only treatment is to wipe afterwards or take a shower... there's a treatment?)
* Avoiding straining or prolonged sitting on the toilet. (Well, then, make an easier crossword puzzle, Daily Herald!)
* Using a moist wipe instead of perfumed and harsh toilet paper. (I have been buying the Charmin instead of the Angel Soft and already I see a big difference. I dont want to use wipes, though. They dont flush well, and leave the whole area wet.)
* Keeping the anus dry and hygienic. (Well, which is it? Lube it up, or keep it dry and clean?)
* When using Analpram (cream) do not use the dispenser which can injure the area. Instead use a finger to insert a pea size amount of cream. (That sounds expensive. And I've been instructed to keep my finger outta there.)
* Carmex lip ointment (the version without sunscreen-protection chemicals) also helps and is much less expensive than Analpram ($70.00 small tube). (Chapstick is an even cheaper solution. Or maybe this lip gloss that I bought for Isabel's friend.)


mandi said...

APPROPRIATE is what you are.

Joel said...

"Easier crossword" - GHB

Glad to hear your bum is (mostly) secure and benign. I think a photograph rather than a diagram would help me to better visualize, though.

Montgomery Q said...

OK are you happy? I edited the picture!

I didnt draw taht, btw. I found it at a reputable medical site.

Sherri said...

And he was worried about your picture with you flipping the bird?

mandi said...


DFB said...

Do you know why you don't know about my anus? It's because I don't talk about it publicly. That's why.


sugarbritches said...

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life!! I want to add another helpful hint. When visiting the prison or other institution where showing male love is prevalent, tape a pie tin to your anal area with duct tape. This will prevent additional anal fissures.


You should of had the Dr. at least buy you a dinner for that!

Rand & Pam said...

There is actually nothing I wanted to know about your anus. Way too much info for me! I really hope you stay healthy for all our sakes.

heidi said...