I have entered the celebrity coccyx trade for two reasons only:
First: To satisfy my customers fully. I pledge to offer the finest famous tailbones and tailbone-related merchandise at the lowest prices. If you have a celebrity coccyx to sell, I promise to pay the highest prices for even the most inferior of coccyges.
Second: To spill the blood of as many annoying celebrities as I can.
I OFFER YOU FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE COCCYX OF LARRY KING.
An irritating man who is paid millions to "interview" other irritants, the incomprehensible Larry King has been my main source of irritation with CNN for nearly two decades. Though Mr. King is a decent and reputable man, he has always maintained his talk show to a standard of quality easily attainable by, say, a housecat. Except a cat might listen to the guest's answers more, and offer more intelligent insight. He also is repulsive to the eye, and seems to enjoy hurting me with his choice of ties and suspenders. Because of these violations against me, I must hereby offer a ransom for his extracted lower vertebrae.