Friday, May 01, 2015

Your Horoscope

People take notice of what you do today. Some of them will even get teary-eyed when you unveil the bellybutton lint you've allowed to accumulate and ferment into a very fine cheese. 

A few extra things need to be done around the house today, Taurus. A few more letters need to be written, a few more cleaning chores should be done, and you might still want to dress the place up a little. And the smell must be addressed.

Children may be a part of your day today. And a walrus tusk harvest is an important and beautiful thing that every child needs to see.

Your mind is quicker than usual, so you can probably grasp some rather complex ideas. Also, the cocoon you've been waiting for 2 months to hatch is, in fact, a dog turd.

Don't get cocky. Real ninjas move in silence, like smoke, or a nice lasagna. 

What begins with a sneeze will end up with your tattoo artist "accidentally" dragging his tattoo gun across your back and creating a beautiful panorama of Mario characters and scenes. Maybe bring along a witness. 

This will be a difficult battle of self-control. You will take the most perfect dump ever; a long symmetrical uniform log. Fight the urge to pinch off! In the end you will gaze at the upright monument; your safety wipe coming back snow-white. Glorious. Then the seizures begin.

A message from a friend could make your day, Libra. The good news may involve travel, money, or a love relationship. It could be "you have ulcerative colitis"

Talk of traveling to distant and exotic places could come up at a gathering of family and friends, At this point you'll discover that Chinese women's breath smell of dry hair and boiled shrimp.

A busy and stimulating day is definitely ahead. Your boss will take all your dental benefits hostage until you answer his riddles three.

Get your camera charged and ready. There's a reason you've named your colostomy bag "SeƱor Stretchy"

"It's better with bath fitters" is all the horoscope you need to know.

1 comment:

Joel said...

How incredibly precise this has turned out to be