Thursday, June 06, 2013

Dating Profile Picture Tips from a Pro

Hi. I'm eHarmony founder Dan Genitalia. I'm here to guide you men through the process of creating your dating profile.  

Your profile is important, because if I remember my Biology teacher correctly, chicks do not grow on trees, which means finding one gullible enough to interact with you can be no small task. In the old days, you could just hang out in the women's restroom in Applebee's and chat up the ladies, but now you have a different tool in your arsenal: your Profile Picture.  
Tip 1: Try to dress nice, and use a prop.  The old saying is true: a picture is worth at least a thousand Applebee's restroom pickup lines. The right picture will mentally stimulate her and make her remember you as a man that can hold a phone or guitar or whatever.

Tip 2:  Pull back the curtain. Now that you've made the first impression, it's time to show the casual side.  Put on a t-shirt, or, if you've got a horrible skin disease like me, stick with a turtleneck. Turning the camera at an angle gives the impression you're artistic, and you look at life differently from the rest of those losers. 
Tip 3: Touch That Face. I can't emphasize the importance of you touching your face enough. Make sure at least one of the pics has you touching your face, because it sends a subtle message to them "I'm not afraid of skin" and "the face I'm touching could be yours". 

 Tip 4: Photoshop, Photoshop, Photoshop. We're visual people, so take the time to edit out those arm rashes. In this one, I fixed my arms, whitened the teeth, removed a nipple, and then I noticed the chair I was sitting on had a booger on the side. Three hours later, that chair was gone.
Tip 5: Tell a Story.  Remember, at this stage, you are most definitely the supplicant, so make a face that says  you will be offering tribute to her as much as you would a goddess; a slaughtered lamb and three bushels of grain upon a granite altar. 

Tip 6: Sunshine is Your Friend. Natural sunlight enhances your facial features, even if your body is neglected. There's a point in your life when the pendulum of caring/not caring about your appearance swings back to "not caring".  For me it was age 50. My workout goals are gone, and now my goal is to set the record for most valium consumed while watching Star Trek:NG dvds.
Now might be a good time to warn you that you're taking tips from a man that hasn't had a woman in his life in years.  Yes, I own a dating website. But nine out of the last ten dates I've had were with my own cat, and the other one was with a homeless man that wanted free lasagna. 
Tip 7: Show Them You're Not a Couch Potato. Make sure to include one when you're standing. You always look your thinnest when standing for a full body shot. You can also post some active shots of you doing something like playing tennis, surfing, holding up a fence, etc.
Good luck and happy hunting. Next week we'll discuss how Hot Pockets can help you vomit the pills you just overdosed on.

1 comment:

mandi said...

Do you recommend wearing a wedding ring in your profile pics? Maybe that's why the women aren't grooving on you. That's the only reason I can think of, anyway.