Carl's Wife Deals With It

This is it. He's really leaving me. Mother****.

Maybe if I put on my best hat...no. That's just silly.

Hey. I just wanted to say...I didn't mean it. I'm staying.  I could never leave you. 

I can't even dance...it just didn't make sense. 

Tell you what. Here's 4 dollars. Go buy yourself a nice new hat. I know how you love hats.

A hat?!? Mother****,  I've been needing a new hat! I only have 147!

Make sure it's black and sexy...just like my lady.

He told me I could buy a new mother ***** hat.

Mmmmm,  girl, I can almost feel that mother f**** hat on me right now. 

Did he touch his chin when he said it, like this? I love it when he touches his chin. 

Nah, it was more like this.

Well, I found my new hat. I hope that mother**** likes it. What the-? What is this
mother***********  doing in my pocket and why is it making that sound?

Oh, right. It's my phone.

Hello?

Uncle who died? I inherited how mother****** much?

SON OF A MOTHER******* MAMA****MOTHER*****

$400,000. Let's see...how many hats can that buy?

Mother****, I'm bad at math.

...carry the 5...

Peekaboo, mother**.

That equals roughly 778-850 mother************** hats for me to buy.
I'd call that a mother****** bonanza.  Now, where'd my hat go?