For everyone that didnt get a Christmas Card

I still have 10 of these left, so I guess I forgot to send them to a few people. Well, here you go. And on the back it has a very personalized message of peace and yuletide cheer, and your name. So quit crying.

Spider Monkey

Oliver is a fun kid to give presents to. His reaction is always excited joy, whether it's a poptart or a SpiderMonkey he's opening.

Bu the cutest was when I found him listening to his 4-song mp3 player, singing along and bouncing.

Shouldn't those stink lines be wavy?

We moved into a brand new office in PG that takes up the entire third floor. It's nice and all, but I'd rather be working from home.

In the handicapped stall in the men's bathroom, someone hung a sign that confused me as I took my morning constitutional. How can we be courteous with our poos? It's an automatic flusher, we're down the hall from any cubicles...is there something I'm missing?


So I hung a sign that turned out badly blurred that says: "Only fresh-smelling poos please". I would have retaken the shot, but when I went back, someone had taken it down.

Well, of course, I couldn't let that stand. So throughout the day, I've been putting up more signs to replace them when some weener takes them down. Is this what HP has become? If you can't put up good comedy in the bathroom stalls of a huge corporation, then the terrorists have already won.

Yes, but does it have Darth Vader playing the Violin?

My new website is up. Finally. So...if you like black-backgrounded portfolio sites with pictures you've seen before, make a bookmark of it!

I lost 5 pounds in one hour! Ask me how!

OK last post on this topic

I wish I could have gone.

Brianna from Illustration Friday did a nice post about the show. I found Oliver's picture on someone else's blog, though. I wonder what people that don't know him think when they see it. It looks lonely. I wish I could be there.

Who wants to go to LA?

Thanks for your votes. The Oliver illustration won. I got an email saying it was in the top 25, so looks like it will be in a gallery show in Long Beach. I'm pretty happy, considering how many people entered and the talent at IllustrationFriday.

Here's a link to read more about the contest. The show opens on November 3 and goes to January 20.

The coolest part is not only can I sell the Oliver picture, but 25 prints of my other stuff. I feel like Navin R. Johnson when he got his name in the phone book; "Things are going to start happening to me now..."

Open Oliver

I did a picture of Oliver for IllustrationFriday that I would like to win a contest with. If I win, it gets to be in a gallery called "Open" in Long Beach.


To vote for it, you go to the Illustration Friday Link Viewer and follow these instructions:
To vote, you need to log into the forums with your username and password. (If you don’t have an account in the forums, simply click on the gray star next to the participants’ entries and it will take you to a signup page.) Then click on the Link Viewer to choose faves.

You are allowed only 5 votes. After you choose your 5 favorites, you will not be able to vote anymore… so choose wisely! :)

I wish they made it easier. Oh well. Probably noone will vote for it once they see they have to login. It's free, and they dont spam you. But still, it takes about 5 seconds, which is more time than I usually want to spend on a website.

It was fun to do anyways. Oliver is fun to draw, because he's always so emotional.

Be the ball, Danny.

The golf tournament yesterday went well. I actually hit some balls that went forward! Thanks to Sylvia for the help with the knickers.

Hey, neat! New stuff I can buy!

I updated the Zazzle Product Gallery (to the lower right). I took all the lame stuff noone wanted and put in some lame stuff that maybe someone will want. You just click on the item, then "buy it". Then customize it how you want it. There's a limit of 99 of each product, so try not to buy too many.

Enormous Pink Eye-Sucking Worm Attacks Doctor

I need to see a doctor. I haven't been in 13 years, so I want to get the whole shebang, just a thorough examination of everything that might be going wrong or growing in me or infecting me. I feel healthy and muscular, I just want to make sure before I change insurance. The reason it's been so long is because the last time was so traumatic, I havent been in too much of a hurry to get back in there. It was with a urologist, in the middle of an already embarrassing interview, suddenly confused his hand with an elephant's trunk, and me with another elephant.

From ages 0-21, I went to a family doctor that I really liked. He never got too handsy and it amused me that in his spare time he was an Elvis impersonator. I've spent the morning trying to look him up, but turns out he's just doing laser hair removal now. At least I think so. It's difficult to tell what it is exactly he does after reading this bizarre article.

What I took away from that article:
1) He is both suing American Laser Clinic AND being sued by them AND being sued as a partner of ALC, which makes him a co-defendant to himself and a plaintiff on the same case.

2) Don't ever ever go to American Laser Clinic.

3) I'm going to need a new doctor.

Breakfast Fiber

Kent and Leisy's Blog reminded me of a video I had seen. Warning: It's not for the squeamish. Wait, yes it is. It's for everyone-young and old to enjoy. Who doesnt love elephants?

What Celebrity Wishes They Looked Like Me?

In high school I went through a Kajagoogoo period. Try not to fall in love. I think the main reason I had the mullet was so it would stick out the back of the football helmet.

Nowadays I hear that I look like the dude from Balls of Fury. I can kinda see that.

Sunday Trippin'

Sunday I had a fun experience involving the kids in my primary. The previous night I had manufactured a fairly awesome mechanism which involved a needle-topped star that rose up a string. It moved according to the quality of the kids' singing. If it got to the top, it would pop a large balloon, which gets the kids' hearts a'racin'. It worked well with one song, with all the kids laughing and shouting. I immediately went into panicky, let's-keep-it-quiet mode and started shushing them while blowing up a new balloon. For some reason, I worry a lot about the kids being loud and provoking wrath from a neighboring meeting, even though I'm the one that usually incites them to irreverence and frivolity.



I was almost out of my allotted time, so I quickly tried to get the new balloon to clip to the top. My apelike grip snapped the heavy duty black clip, but I had brought backups, since I'm well aware of my propensity to break things. I half-skipped over to the piano to get the spare clips, but not before hooking my leg on the easel supporting the display. Everything came down, luckily missing the kids, who were all laughing and pointing. I did a long fall/trip all the way past the podium to the area behind the piano, where Mandi was attempting to duck down even further, so noone would associate her with this mess. Then I got up and announced it was time for Singing Time to end.

That night I decided to relax in the hammock with Oliver. I called him over and got in the hammock. We had bought the support straps online, thinking they were a big improvement over the chains and wires we had used previously to suspend the hammock. I guess that being outside in the rain somehow corroded the straps, because once I got in and laid back, I immediately found myself hitting the railroad tie underneath as hard as you can expect. Yes, the pain was intense. The back of my head was throbbing, and for a a few seconds I couldnt breathe. Oliver came to tell me "gettup daddy" while I tried to assess the damage. I was thinking, "If only Mandi was here, so she could laugh at me and then drive me to the ER" The spine seemed intact. I think I did most of the damage to my internal organs and head. I told Oliver that daddy fell down and he said "Oh, I sorry....Kissit?" Then he kissed my back for me. That and 4 Advil Liquigels soon got me right as rain. I'm glad he wasn't in the hammock with me. Should I sue the hammock strap company?

Bellies.

This is at my cousin Nan's house. We all have good lookin firm abdomens that we're proud of.

Browning: The Best There Is

Back in the 1890s John Moses was out shooting duck on the Great Salt Lake in Ogden. He noticed that each time he shot, the escaping gasses would make the grass and his dog's fur move. He thought the gasses could be put to a better purpose and he started making test rifles of a different design, ones with a hole drilled in the barrel to divert some of the gasses behind the bullet into a cylinder to drive a piston. This piston would extract the cartridge case, and reload the next round, and fire it, all from a single trigger pull.

Thus was born the first fully automatic rifle.

The Navy bought his rifle in 1895. The Army bought his Colt Model 1895 Peacemaker, which was a huge mother automatic that was beloved for its power and reliability. The BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle) is still famous for its innovation and simple design. And his Colt M-1911 (which he developed from his first automatic pistol design) is still used by the military and police today as a standard officers sidearm. "It just worked" is what people said about his gun designs.







So we're all safer and speaking English because of my great-great-great uncle. On this day of recognizing pioneer heritage, let us give praise.

My New Hero

HERO CABBIE: I KICKED BURNING TERRORIST SO HARD IN BALLS THAT I TORE A TENDON

This article in the Daily Record made me laugh. And he worked there at the hospital? I hope his former coworkers accidentally lost their morphine when they were treating this guy.

Statues I Question

Doing research for that Stockholm Olympics logo made me even confuseder than when I started. Why did they use this image? What is that man doing to the horse? I thought that it would be some kind of statue or monument in Stockholm, but my hours of searching for it have been fruitless. But I DID find a bunch of other statues that I hope I'm misinterpreting...


Remember when Elaine found that mannequin of her in the store window? I felt a similar feeling when I saw this statue. It is an exact replica of my friend Christopher when he rides a turtle naked.










This one is a tribute to Diarrhea. Here is a princess riding a wave of her own fecal matter.
















This one is called "Sculptor's First Try" and was a real bargain for the city of Reykjavik, Iceland. It depicts 2 fisherman that were looking for the best fishing spot, but suddenly realized that their work would improve if they stopped wearing boxing gloves.











"Dolphin Rodeo" shows what happens when you take dolphins lightly, and decide to mount them unbridled.













This one is outside of a library. Why is the mom so against libraries, that she has to yank her kid so violently out of one? IIs this a monument to book-haters?

There's an old saying in the ad game...

This week, the topic of the logo design podcast was Why The 2012 London Olympics Logo Sucked. After listening to the latest podcast, not only did I notice a lot of chapter mistakes (which aren't my fault) but a really negative, derisive tone (which is totally my fault). I sound really "high and mighty". But this logo just got me really agitated. Why does such a talented designer, Wolff Olins, think he can just ignore basic design principles like legibility? Why bright pink? Why do I hate the 80's so much?

Jon Stewart pays tribute to it here. I thought he had exactly the right tone. I remember really liking Nutsy the Olympic Mascot.

Tanks For You Preference

What is it with Provo and mexican restaurants? I know it's being taken over by Mexico, but you would think they would want to eat something different now that they're in the states. Or maybe each latino family that moves there is thinking "I will start a mexican restaurant that's authentic, and the BYU students will beat a path to my door".

I went to Beto's once in SLC because I had a gun to my head, if I recall correctly (I may have just been extremely hungry). Their food and smell was as good as this sign. It is hanging on a Beto's in Provo.

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover"

Now that the cable has been downgraded from "mounds of turds with the occasional nugget of goodness" to "All Turds, All the Time" there's no longer a way to Oliver down on the couch at any time of the day and put on a show. His two favorites Teletubbies and Thomas are only on once a day, instead of anytime on OnDemand. It's going to suck for the next month until I break down and upgrade the cable again.

I remember when I was a small one I watched Picture Pages. I dont think my mom ever got me the actual book to follow along with, despite the warning tone in the theme song...


Picture Pages, Picture Pages,
Time to get your Picture Pages,
Time to get your crayons and your pencils..."

"You can play with Picture Pages,
FIll your day with Picture Pages,
'Till Bill Cosby does another Picture Page with you!"

But I liked to watch it anyway. it was like Bill was standing there doing my homework for me in an entertaining way.


I also like Romper Room. They had a lot of fun toys I wished I had. One toy I was scared of was the ICanSee Mirror, which freaked me out. I didnt want the lady to see me. It was my job to be watching HER.













The best shows were one that interesting secondary characters that enriched the enjoyment of the show. One example of a show that did NOT do this was Capt Kangaroo. Holy Crap, I hated him. Hated his moose, hated Mr. Greenjeans, and hated his coat. He was condescending and boring. And I really tried to like him, because my friends did.






Then after the introduction of Slim Goodbody, I went and kicked my friends asses and got new friends with better taste. I was not going to stand for that.



















I did like The World of Commander McBragg, though. I see a lot of his influence in my life to this day. God bless that mustachioed adventurer.









As i got a little older, I remember watching 2 shows very faithfully every morning. I mean FAITHFULLY. The ritual was to get up, urinate, eat a sandwich, make some Nestle Quik to drink while I watched Rocky and Bullwinkle



which was enhanced by the creative concoctions of Fractured Fairy Tales. Man, I love those. I am going out TODAY to get the book of Fractured Fairy Tales. My kids NEED that influence of combined cynicism and creativity in their lives.





Right after that, Underdog came on, which ruled. I saw a trailer for the new live-action movie they're doing for Underdog, which will probably suck (there's that cynicism again). I'll see it, though, because I feel I owe it to him. He was there for me, and he taught me so much.



So, thanks, TV. A great man named Homer once said, "When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! "

How to Design the Awesomest Logo in the Universe

Me and John wrote an article for logodesign.com. We're trying to do our part to help the world look nicer.

What time is it when your bottom feels strange?

My video posting isn't working, so you'll just have to go to the link.

Favorite moment: 1:07 when the mexican jumping bean poo is making its presence known and URGENTLY. And of course, 2:21 is a close second. Does the handle make it easier?

Mother's Day

Should I add any more to this? Or just call it good?

When priming the tiller engine, don't accidentally touch the engine.

Thats bad advice. How can you avoid doing something accidentally?

I think I'm officially accident-prone. Or maybe just my left hand is. I've cut the tip off my thumb, smashed the same tip in a weight machine, busted the bird, and now blistered the bejeebus out of the thumb. This all occurred on my left hand. Maybe I should just cut it off and start over.

Get it off of me!!!!

After seeing Spiderman 3: Revenge of the MJ last Friday morning at 12:09, I felt like Peter Parker up in that bell tower, trying to wrestle the black tar mass of a movie out of my mind. But it clung viciously, because it did have some good moments, like beautiful Sandman effects, an awesome opening battle, and the blind Village girl who should win an Oscar for sculpting her turd lines into semi-digestible burritos with her acting.

Keep in mind, I have about 56 Spidey comics, which puts me in the range of "Fanboy With A Life". I love Spidey. He was way different from the Superman, the world's policeman with no real issues. Spiderman taught me right and wrong have huge fields of gray (especially in the Venom storyline), and hardly anything ever went right for him. I had really high hopes for this one. The first one was a little disappointing, but I figured they'd build up steam and I was right, because the second one was a pants splatterer. Loved Alfred Molina, the Doc Ock effects, the story moved along, and Goblin got killed.

THen Raimi decides to turn this one into a WB soap opera with Mary Jane and Peter going back and forth with lines like "we have to forgive each other...or everything we ever were will mean nothing!" MJ and Aunt May both need to shut up. Just go lay down. I JUST DON'T CARE. I thought "all this soap needs is a good amnesia character...oh wait there he is." Then I thought "At least they're not having Tobey do a dance number to make his girlfriend jealous....AAAAIIGH!!!!"

Topher: meh. Thomas H. Church: well done. Green Goblin guy: Die in a fire. Seriously.

Raimi: Call it quits. With great budgets and expectations come great responsibility to not pinch loaf.

High Points of My Television Watching Career

TV is a valuable tool for me to help stave off the crushing bleakness, and I watch it a lot. I'm trying to watch it less. The shows I like fall into two categories. There's the retarded shows with lazy writing and horrible acting that I cannot help but be addicted to. This category would include Walker, Texas Ranger and Prison Break.

The second category are brilliant beautiful things that make me laugh and think and wonder and gurgle. Here are my favorite moments of this kind of show.


Any scene of Arrested Development with Will Arnett. I love this man, and he helped this make this show the kind of magical hilarious entertainment that inevitably must be replaced with a Fat Slob, Hot Wife and Some Kids Sitcom.


Any scene in HBO's Extras where Gervais is talking to his agent, played by his buddy, Something Merchant. Hoo boy. They announced they would call it quits after 2 seasons (with a bonus finale episode) and that just sucks.


Oh my sweet Andy. Please come back to us.











And finally, any Martin Short appearance on David Letterman will make me happy for weeks afterwards. His style is so confident and relaxed...it's a joy to watch him tell a simple story. For further proof go here and savor.